Where should the focus be

Stormyness · Feb 15, 2017

Hi,

I'm revisiting my second novel (my first is also a WIP). One character in particular is depicted very much from my protagonist's point of view, and is carefully observed by the protagonist. I've been writing, for example, 'she lifted her chin in dismissal,' or 'she'd cut her hair above her shoulders.' But recently i've been hung up on how that comes across. Should it be 'Her chin lifted in dismissal,' and 'her hair had been cut above her shoulders.' What do these two writing styles say about the story, what do they say about the protagonist, and are either of them grammatically incorrect? (Although I am not going for a grammatical A*, I am going for emotiveness).

I'd welcome your thoughts,

Thanks,

edutton · Feb 15, 2017

It entirely depends on what effect you're going for! The second set of examples put a greater emotional distance between the narrator and the person they're describing.

King Neptune · Feb 15, 2017

What would fit? The examples that you gave go from showing feelings to being rather bland. You might read or reread books by authors who express in a manner similar to what you want, and you can try to emulate the style. How would the characters speak and act? You have to figure that out and convey the feeling to the reader.

Where should the focus be

Stormyness

edutton

Ni. Peng. Neee-Wom.

King Neptune