If A Tree Falls In Hesperides

Stew21

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My Amelia, mon ami, sucks a lemon
and puckers a perfect kiss.
Half-lidded, she remembers the grove of Hesperides:
.....bright dripping citrus,
.....high green tang of damp earth,
.....how cool rain pools
........into the footprints of titans.

She presses a lingering whisper
into her lemon lips
before it slips too soon,
too finally,
from memory.

Hush -
she's gone back to the day that broke her world
(almost ended it).

She slides a wedge my way; I taste.
"Does it not make you feel like a demi-god?"
(It does not.)

And could I not see eternity?
(I could not.)

Though she admits
eternity has been broken
for quite some long time.

Mon coeur - my Amelia.
"I love you."

But she doesn't hear me;
her eyes have gone distant.
I know the look,

as she recalls the ancient crush,
.....sickening rush of leaf and branch,
.....the crack and wail; her world gone pale,
then dark with death

at Hesperides. Yes,

it still makes a sound.
 
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Stew21

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I'm a bit disappointed in this one, as it really didn't come together as I had imagined it would. I don't hate it or anything, it just isn't at all what I expected, and I wonder if it's a different poem I'm brewing up getting in the way, or if it's a matter of having the chops to see this one through to the original vision. Not sure. but I thought I'd rather have comments than not to maybe help me figure it out.
 

Perks

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You hate it? I think it's beautiful. Of course, I can't know what you're going for, but these lines -

She slides a wedge my way; I taste.
"Does it not make you feel like a demi-god?"
(It does not.)

And could I not see eternity?
(I could not.)

For me, it so catches the disappointment tinged with irritation when you can't absorb someone else's abstraction.
 
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Stew21

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oh no. I don't hate it (I wouldn't have posted it if I hated it). I'm just a little disappointed.

But I am glad you like it.
 

Kylabelle

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Powerful writing, and a lot to like. Since you're not completely satisfied with it though, I read again for places it might become stronger with some tightening, and found two possibilities:


She presses a lingering whisper
into her lemon lips
before it slips too soon, too completely,
too finally,
from memory.


Hush.

She's gone back to the day that broke her world.
Dangerously close to ending it.

.... The underlined seem to need focus instead of repetition, if you follow. The triple "too" phrases could be condensed without losing impact, and that last line "Dangerously..." is repetitive; the use of "dangerously" there is a bit imprecise. What exactly is dangerous here? might be a question to pose. ....

the crack and wail; her world gone pale. -- Really nice music.

Then dark with death. --
The emphasis here feels forced, with the line space and the capital letter. I wonder if it would actually increase the impact to de-emphasize instead.

At Hesperides. --
Again, this couplet feels overwrought unnecessarily.
Yes.

It still makes a sound. --
IMO, a lighter touch on the immediately preceding lines would greatly strengthen the impact of this final one.

All that said, it is a beautiful poem that I'm grateful to have read. Thanks for posting it.
 

Stew21

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good suggestions, Kyla. Thanks.

I just made the line breaks this morning that you suggested I reconsider, so I guess I should have left those alone after all.

I'll definitely take your suggestions to heart and see if it improves my view of this one.

Much appreciated.
 

Kylabelle

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I think that worked. Gives me chills to read it now. :)
 

Stew21

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I made a couple more small edits, and small line break changes.
Thanks for the fresh eyes, Kyla.
 

frimble3

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I am not much of a poet, so I have no helpful advice, but, a matter of perception: When I think 'Hesperides' I think of apples, the 'Golden Apples of the Sun'. Modern thought may have made these citrus fruit instead, but my go-to is apples. And, when reading 'girls and lemons', I flash to that song about 'The Lovely Lemon Tree', and how it turns bitter.
My mind is trying to blend the two images, which is distracting me from the bigger picture, the last of the Hesperides, mourning all that she's lost, and wanting someone to share those memories with. (A very touching image, BTW.)
 

Stew21

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Yes, Hesperides is golden apples. Though, modern people understand it to be oranges or citrus now, it really wasn't about the modern or ancient understanding. Citrus worked better for me for this. I can see that it might be a distraction if you are very set in the mythology.
Citrus worked for me because it has a strong flavor and scent which are big sensory memory triggers, where as the taste and smell of an apple, I don't believe would be as strong at all.
I'm not familiar with the song you mentioned.

This came from the old philosophical question "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?"

So Amelia is around to hear the "I love you", but doesn't hear it because she is mentally somewhere else; at the same time she isn't in Hesperides but she hears the tree fall so clearly that it actually drowns out the voice next to her. She is trying desperately to get him to understand where she is, but he can't. He desperately wants her to be in the present with him, but she can't.

Thanks for reading it and commenting, frimble. I sincerely appreciate feedback and enjoy feedback from non-poets as well as poets.
 

frimble3

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I can see that it might be a distraction if you are very set in the mythology.
That would be me, set in the mythology.;)

I'm not familiar with the song you mentioned.
'The Lemon Tree' by Peter, Paul and Mary. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eceRvPx3wrs

This came from the old philosophical question "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?"

So Amelia is around to hear the "I love you", but doesn't hear it because she is mentally somewhere else; at the same time she isn't in Hesperides but she hears the tree fall so clearly that it actually drowns out the voice next to her. She is trying desperately to get him to understand where she is, but he can't. He desperately wants her to be in the present with him, but she can't.

Thanks for reading it and commenting, frimble. I sincerely appreciate feedback and enjoy feedback from non-poets as well as poets.
I did get the two of them, poles apart and deaf to each other.
 

Siri Kirpal

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Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

I got the philosophical reference from the title. Also, in Loves Labors Lost, I understand there's a line (which I may be misquoting): Climbing trees in the Hesperides.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal
 

Stew21

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Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

I got the philosophical reference from the title. Also, in Loves Labors Lost, I understand there's a line (which I may be misquoting): Climbing trees in the Hesperides.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

"Is not love a Hercules,
Still climbing trees in Hesperides"

Hesperides is featured in several stories, including stories of Heracles , Atalanta, and Eris (causing trouble with the help of Paris).
 

Magdalen

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Really enjoy this & think it's quite fine. I keep coming back, reading & thinking I should post some type of comment, but by the time I finish reading I find I'm kinda lost for words in some ancient grove . . . so finally I've taken the extra moment - thanks for sharing this, it's a keeper!!
 

CassandraW

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Nice work, Trish. This is particularly vivid to me:

as she recalls the ancient crush,
.....sickening rush of leaf and branch,
.....the crack and wail; her world gone pale,
then dark with death


 

Teena

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Sorry to be so late replying - I pop in and out and the title made me hesitate and read. Nice work.
Favorite lines: .
how cool rain pools
........ into the footprints of titans

Not sure the parentheses are needed. Placement and lack of quotations make them fit nicely without being 'asides.' JMHO. Amelia's fading back into a fresh realization of a past loss resonates with me, having been there. Moving and nicely done!