Friends and Family

Talk about LGBTQ issues in a positive way. Bring up awesome LGBTQ-positive news stories and say how awesome they are. But not so much that it's obvious you suspect something.

Just enough so that the person knows they have an ally and someone who is understanding and supportive if they ever do want to talk about it. But don't try to get someone to come out to you. That will likely just push someone further into the closet.

Unless and until you get to the point that they're actively dropping hints that strongly suggest they want you to ask because they're too shy to bring it up on their own.

That's it. Be awesome and show you'd be supportive without pushing them.

• Honestly, if a family member comes out to you and you continue treating them normally, you're already way ahead of a lot of people. I remember one time I was talking to a group a friends and I casually let it drop that I was bisexual-- none of them even blinked, and the conversation continued as normal. That's the best feeling in the world: being accepted without comment or question.
• Even if you're an open-minded and well-intentioned person, you are eventually going to say something offensive by mistake. Everyone does. It's okay. Listen, understand, apologize, and move on.
• The person you are talking to knows more about their identity than you do. They've probably been researching this and talking about it for a long time.
• Don't argue with a person about their gender identity or sexual orientation.
• Even if you yourself are a gender or sexual minority, you still need to be respectful and open-minded.

That's all I can think of.

Viridian said:

Honestly, if a family member comes out to you and you continue treating them normally, you're already way ahead of a lot of people. I remember one time I was talking to a group a friends and I casually let it drop that I was bisexual-- none of them even blinked, and the conversation continued as normal. That's the best feeling in the world: being accepted without comment or question.

Click to expand...

Very often this is true, but I want to add a caveat. Sometimes someone does want to talk about it, and sometimes accepting yourself is a majorly big deal, and coming out to someone can likewise be a big deal, so if someone seems like they want to talk about it — if it seems like they want you to comment or question — do so! Positively and respectfully, of course!

(Talking about my sexual orientation was never a big deal for me, but talking about my gender identity was very much a big deal to me, and I wanted [positive] questions and comments.)

Maryn said:

It's also never okay for the person who's recently revealed some aspect of their sexuality or gender identity to berate people for things they've said in the past about "those people." When our daughter shared that she was trans, I wondered if I'd ever said anything negative and hoped I hadn't. If I did, she never brought it up.

In the following few months, as I poked around online for stories about other people who transitioned as adults, I found plenty of sad and angry stories of families who rejected their trans member--and of those, quite a few of the trans people contributed, by frequently bringing up a list of past offenses and offering no possibility of forgiveness.

Click to expand...

I understand we must forgive (and I would forgive my family and friends because I love them, though it would take time). However, "those people" comments* (and more) are what are still keeping me in the closet.

If I ever "out"ed myself, and I see that my family is trying to be supportive, I can totally forgive them for "those people" comments. Until then, "those people" comments are not helping at the moment, and are the reason I am not outing myself.

However, after the reveal, I do think we should give family/friends time to adjust, especially if it's a big change. I know I would need time to adjust to new info (like someone transitioning gender/sex), and I'm willing to give my family time to adjust as well.

After all, there will be changes in how society treats gender/sex and sexuality, and I wouldn't blame my family/friends for being surprised or having some struggle to get used to the new reveal. (I love my family very deeply.) If the person outing themselves is going to change their usual habits and activities, for example, then the family may need time (and patience from the out-er) to adjust.

I would not berate my family for being surprised or upset. I understand it is a change, and I'm willing to forgive and love them (as long as they don't abuse me in some big way after the reveal, of course).

However, not everyone will have supportive families and friends, and those families and friends may even continue "those people" comments and keep up or bring about the abusive behavior after the reveal...

*ETA: Regarding "those people" comments, I'm thinking of those negative or unflattering comments, or just plain bigot talk kind of thing.

In all things be gentle and kind and you can't go wrong.

I think being visibly accepting (commenting positively about gay rights, being casually supportive of gay friends, etc.) is very valuable. When you have no idea what to expect from someone, that makes coming out more daunting.

When it comes to something parents can do for children, I think that just being passively accepting isn't always enough. Kids pick up on homophobic attitudes outside the home, and it can be very hard for LGBT and questioning kids to find role models or examples of being LGBT being normal.

My parents were very casually accepting, and it helped a lot. But I still internalized some homophobia from the world around me, and it was hard for me to wrap my head around my sexuality because while I understood being gay or bi on a theoretical level, I didn't know any gay people and couldn't envision marrying a woman or even dating one. I'd only ever seen heterosexuality in real life or the media. Maybe that's a little better these days.

Not hating my guts from the time I was about six would have went a LONG way in helping. They recognized what they hated in me before I even fully developed language, let alone awareness of the existence of sexuality.They brutalized and insulted and marginalized whenever they could. I came out at around sixteen, and moved to the street. In my lifelong struggle and need to be accepted by people who hated me, I went back in the closet and tried to do everything 'right'. But they never stopped hating. They knew I was role playing. Sometimes I think about it and I get angry with myself for wasting years trying. It's almost an inborn need to want love from those who brought you here. But it's not a right. I've walked away from that expectation now and I've been sickeningly happy for almost threetyears now. And my children (from my years of attempting 'right') love me and don't give a Damn about my sexuality. Nobody should. I know that now. Even my ex wife knew my parents doomed me. We are friends now. She knew me when I was out as a teen. I went from my last boyfriend to her. And we stayed together for almost 30 years. Most of them good. We were destined to be best friends... And we crossed that line. And we have beautiful children and grandchildren because of it.

My feedback... Man I digress too often!! Family and friends have to like the person you are if they want you in their life. They also have to accept that whether or not they like it your sexual anything is not a topic for discussion. It is something you do in private... Something that does not concern them. I no longer expect or want approval. I live my life on my terms. For the second time in my life.

And as for forgiveness. It is earned... Not offered. I'll do no such thing. I will release their transgressions from impacting me... But I will not forgive. I have scars... And not just invisible ones. When forgiveness is not sought it is not given.

My family casually accepted my bisexuality. I have several friends who are gay/bi/pan, so they didn't judge. Only my BF's parents don't know. Not sure about my childhood good friend. I'm curious what she'd say.

As long as people enjoy me as a person I don't need much support - except the feeling that finding a female partner is hard and I've only had boyfriends. *shrugs*

Maryn said:

It's also never okay for the person who's recently revealed some aspect of their sexuality or gender identity to berate people for things they've said in the past about "those people." When our daughter shared that she was trans, I wondered if I'd ever said anything negative and hoped I hadn't. If I did, she never brought it up.

In the following few months, as I poked around online for stories about other people who transitioned as adults, I found plenty of sad and angry stories of families who rejected their trans member--and of those, quite a few of the trans people contributed, by frequently bringing up a list of past offenses and offering no possibility of forgiveness.

Click to expand...

My parents have been accusing me of not being understanding or compassionate of their feelings.

I'm trying. But it was hard enough for me to accept myself.

I'm already putting on a brave face with them, trying to to be more confident in who I am than I really feel inside.

It can be difficult to be forgiving when you're always being put on the defensive.

Edit: What is the difference between "selfish" and "self-preservation"?

kuwisdelu said:

My parents have been accusing me of not being understanding or compassionate of their feelings.

I'm trying. But it was hard enough for me to accept myself.

I'm already putting on a brave face with them, trying to to be more confident in who I am than I really feel inside.

It can be difficult to be forgiving when you're always being put on the defensive.

Edit: What is the difference between "selfish" and "self-preservation"?

Click to expand...

That's ironic, considering that most likely it was your desire to please them that has led to your hiding your true feelings from even yourself. Non-trans people often see things as selfish where trans folk see them as self-preservation. You've spent your whole damn life living your life to others (i.e. your parents, et al.) expectations. It's time for you. I'm totally for helping friends and family accept, but not at the point of not being true to yourself. You've lived your life for others for long enough. Live for you.

I want to echo what Kuwi said about the casual acceptance, "Cool story, bro," sort of reaction being not quite what you're looking for sometimes. If you come out casually, in a, "Oh by the way," sort of way, that's one thing. But if it's more, "Listen. I have something to tell you. Um. *deep breaths* (oh god) So, I'm [insert orientation here]." THAT is a big deal. That takes time, courage and trust to build up to. If someone's telling you they're LGBT with that sort of lead-in, they want you to listen and tell them it's okay.

It depends on the out-comer, but it's something to keep in mind. For me? Best reaction is this: "Oh, thank you for telling me. I know it's not easy. I'm honored." I've had two people say that in response to me coming out, and it's the best of all possible reactions, IMO. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Because it's not easy. You really don't know what the result's going to be until you do it.

And to add to that:

I see a lot of people saying parents should be openly supportive of LGBT rights, talk positively about their LBGT friends/coworkers, and that's great and all, except. . . Well, that was my experience growing up. It led me to think it'd be safe to come out at home, and it . . . kind of wasn't? There's this weird disconnect when it's your actual family somehow. So the reaction was more, "Oh, these groovy people I work with, they're just 'normal,' y'know, and I'm definitely voting on this thing--WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE ONE OF THEM????"

So I guess, don't do that? I don't know. It was weird.