[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Can you explain what's meant by the mention of slit nostrils placing the reader at arm's length? I think that you mean it creates some kind of break, and if so I would like to know more so that I can avoid it in the future.

Yes, the child is sweating oil and going through a molt. I'd like to take a visceral approach to describing the alien elements of the character. Any kind of advice that would let me accomplish this goal while maintaining a smooth narrative feel would be fantastic.

Thank you for your critique.

"His slit-nostrils detect a confectionary odor;" Yes, I was referring to POV break. He wouldn't think of his nostrils as slit, would he? I get that you're trying to build an image of the being, but there other, more subtle ways. Besides, mentioning nostril shape draws focus away from the point of this paragraph: the dead tutor in the room.

The sentence also filters the experience by having him note that he detected an odor versus just presenting the odor, such as, "A confectionery odor wafted in" from somewhere. We'll assume his nostrils detected it without the writer having said so.

ETA: Read Bufty's replies to a question about narrative distance http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7391197#post7391197


Hope this helps!

Fun! Here's my first three sentences from a short story I submitted to a lit mag last month:

The fibers of Rhea’s peacoat were porous and the grey polyester silk lining tissue thin. Together they did little to warm her, though they worked in sync to turn her into an unwilling sponge for the damp November cold as soon as she stepped out of the car. She stood outside the empty concrete building and stared at its blank façade while Sanjay walked inside with Mr. Daniels, the landlord, to take a final look at the interior before signing the lease for the lot.

PriyankaB! It's certainly an engaging start. Perhaps a bit flowery with your opening line, though perhaps I'm not your target audience. I really liked that you're jumping right in though, we know that Rhea and Sanjay are purchasing a house from Mr. Daniels straight away, which instantly raises plenty more questions. Just by the names alone, (Rhea, Sanjay and Mr. Daniels) I can gather that these are perhaps immigrants moving to a country that isn't their own, especially if Rhea's ill prepared for the cold November weather. You're painting a fairly melancholy picture, and doing so really well. Good job!

These are the first three sentences of my current WOP:

Of all the things humanity failed to preserve, apples were not one of them. On a lonely island, the last of the apple trees swayed, dipping this way and that as it was hauled across a decrepit desert wasteland.
“Me Ma inherited the tree from her Grandpappy, and he from his Ma before him."

Oldborne said:

These are the first three sentences of my current WOP:

Of all the things humanity failed to preserve, apples were not one of them. On a lonely island, the last of the apple trees swayed, dipping this way and that as it was hauled across a decrepit desert wasteland.
“Me Ma inherited the tree from her Grandpappy, and he from his Ma before him."

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Firstly, I love your opening sentence-it's strong, succinct and makes me want to know more/read more/understand more about the story.
However, the second sentence confuses me because, unless I'm missing something and am way off base, the first sentence implies that apples were something that humanity saved, but the second sentence leads me to believe that we are now talking about the last apple tree? So, what happened? If my reading is correct, then there is a jump in logic that throws off the rhythm, and I'm spending too much time trying to figure it all out.

Here are my first 3:

The torrid earth, fattened on the heat of July and August, exhaled the promise of an intense burning to come that could only be imagined this side of Hell.
Eli pushed open the sliding glass door and stepped into a wall of unrelenting heat. Though he still felt seventeen in his head, the cracks and pops in Eli’s body were a painful reminder that sixty-eight was not seventeen and that his race with time was nearly over.

A dozen bronze-breasted, turkey-sized cockerels trailing iridescent tails followed a boy across a road. Full blonde ruffs, dappled with orange, thick and heavy as lion manes enclosed their necks, and spilled over their shoulders onto scythe clawed wings that shimmered gold and green. The cockerels purled, heads held high, passing like a retinue of flame crowned kings.

PriyankaB said:

Fun! Here's my first three sentences from a short story I submitted to a lit mag last month:

The fibers of Rhea’s peacoat were porous and the grey polyester silk lining tissue thin. Together they did little to warm her, though they worked in sync to turn her into an unwilling sponge for the damp November cold as soon as she stepped out of the car. She stood outside the empty concrete building and stared at its blank façade while Sanjay walked inside with Mr. Daniels, the landlord, to take a final look at the interior before signing the lease for the lot.

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My initial impression was that it did not work for me. Yet I discovered, it flowed better the deeper in I read. This leads me to believe you wrote yourself to your first sentence...the present last sentence. What if you started with this woman standing outside while Sanjay talks to this other guy. This establishes the visuals of the scene...a couple outside a building and a conversation with a third part. The reader is located. The stage is set. Now talk about the inadequacy of Rhea's clothing for the weather. Basically just flip the sentences and edit for flow and clarity.

I also am not sure you gain anything by talking about the porous nature of her peacoat's material. Maybe just say the peacoat acted like a sponge for humidity and was ill suited to the cold and damp November weather

rwhegwood said:

A dozen bronze-breasted, turkey-sized cockerels trailing iridescent tails followed a boy across a road. Full blonde ruffs, dappled with orange, thick and heavy as lion manes enclosed their necks, and spilled over their shoulders onto scythe clawed wings that shimmered gold and green. The cockerels purled, heads held high, passing like a retinue of flame crowned kings.

Click to expand...

OK, I personally officially love this, because POULTRY. I have a love affair with poultry. As I type this, there is a lovely blonde chicken standing on the windowsill outside, peering in at me, and an iridescent Mille Fleur rooster strutting past. <3

Question - is it normal poultry, or extra-reality poultry? Just wondered because you say they are "turkey-sized", rather than "turkeys".

The part that goes "followed a boy across a road" felt a little detached maybe. Like it was some random boy and random road. What about "followed THE boy [or even his name there so you don't have an echo] across the road"? Unless of course the cockerels are the main focus. Maybe they are, in which case it works fine.

I love the description of the birds, although I wonder if it could/should be worked in later, and get more action going right at the start. I personally would read on, because birds, but then I'm not the average reader/editor.

RCtheBanditQueen said:

OK, I personally officially love this, because POULTRY. I have a love affair with poultry. As I type this, there is a lovely blonde chicken standing on the windowsill outside, peering in at me, and an iridescent Mille Fleur rooster strutting past. <3

Question - is it normal poultry, or extra-reality poultry? Just wondered because you say they are "turkey-sized", rather than "turkeys".

The part that goes "followed a boy across a road" felt a little detached maybe. Like it was some random boy and random road. What about "followed THE boy [or even his name there so you don't have an echo] across the road"? Unless of course the cockerels are the main focus. Maybe they are, in which case it works fine.

I love the description of the birds, although I wonder if it could/should be worked in later, and get more action going right at the start. I personally would read on, because birds, but then I'm not the average reader/editor.

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Thanks. Part of the problem is that this is just an excerpt from a longer work not an entirely stand alone piece because of the word limit. Characters are identified soon after this paragraph. That said the visual focus was on the giant mutant chickens. Structurally I conceived it as a medium long shot...the approach of the stranger (cue whiplash and ocarinas).

rwhegwood said:

Thanks. Part of the problem is that this is just an excerpt from a longer work not an entirely stand alone piece because of the word limit. Characters are identified soon after this paragraph. That said the visual focus was on the giant mutant chickens. Structurally I conceived it as a medium long shot...the approach of the stranger (cue whiplash and ocarinas).

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Nice! It is definitely hard to say "oh this does or doesn't work" with a brief snippet and not seeing the longer piece. At any rate, it did pique my curiosity. The first sentence led to the next, and the next, building interest in the visuals (for me).

here you go, thanks for feedback!
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By then, the annual gathering concluded earlier than ever before.

Almost criminally so, someone would gripe–Auntie Carolyn usually, from her roost on the couch. Shaming cousin Martin, that little flake, who’d roll out the old song and dance–they just gotta to make it back to Kankakee earlier this time, the weather says heavy snow!

“Can’t I just have a beer instead?”

Joe smiled as he set down the tray. “You could, but I prefer you humor me just this once.” he said. “Besides, we are not just having tea here. A traditional Japanese tea ceremony is a spiritual experience that embodies harmony, respect, purity, and tranquility.”

5 =/= 3

Super_Duper said:

“Can’t I just have a beer instead?”

Joe smiled as he set down the tray. “You could, but I prefer you humor me just this once.” he said. “Besides, we are not just having tea here. A traditional Japanese tea ceremony is a spiritual experience that embodies harmony, respect, purity, and tranquility.”

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Problems:
--Opening with unattributed dialog
--sentence two three gets a comma at the end to tie it to the speaker, Joe
--More than three sentences

Possible rewrite to solve the above:
Joe smiled as he set down the tray. "A traditional Japanese tea ceremony is a spiritual experience that embodies harmony, respect, purity, and tranquility.”

(Character 2) made a face and said, “Can’t I just have a beer instead?”

etc.

Can I have a go at this?

"Like a moth to a flame, every time." her sigh came across a notch above disappointment.
"How do you do it? Does he even know he's doing it?" they both frowned down at the lump on the couch.
"I don't know, it could be worse, Jen," she flopped down next to him, "he could be into hookers and blow or something."

Godyth said:

Here are my first 3:

The torrid earth, fattened on the heat of July and August, exhaled the promise of an intense burning to come that could only be imagined this side of Hell.
Eli pushed open the sliding glass door and stepped into a wall of unrelenting heat. Though he still felt seventeen in his head, the cracks and pops in Eli’s body were a painful reminder that sixty-eight was not seventeen and that his race with time was nearly over.

Click to expand...

Although I might want to pare this down a tad, I enjoyed it and would continue reading.

Totally forgot about this thread.

Cindyt said:

We were a one, the five of us, strangers caught up together aboard a frigate and flung west into a whirlwind.

Albert Siding dropped the quill beside the inkwell, leaned back in his desk chair, and thrust his hands into his pockets. He had finished with his papers at dawn--or at least thought he had.

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Mixed reaction to this. I like the first sentence, and the idea of opening with just one line from the memoir being written. The second, though, puts the breaks on, imo, losing the potential impact in the third, "at least he thought he had." Maybe ending that second sentence at inkwell, this gives us his name and sets us in time. In the third sentence I'm not quite clear, is this well past dawn? If so, maybe something like, "He'd thought he'd finished his writing at dawn--apparently not." obviously in the voice of the character

First three from one of mine, a satire piece I wrote a while back:

“You never loved me!” Sammy pulled the screen door open.
“Boo fucking hoo. Get a job,” his mother called down the stairs.
He tried to block her shrill voice by slamming the front door, but it escaped past the flocked velvet wallpaper and cut through all the open windows on the block.

During the night in the cold damp hours in Addis Ababa I perched myself in a chair talking about what Ethiopia stood for upon the words of my aunt that had the nerve to disagree with what I was saying.

I read the first few words on the thread feed and it looked interesting. I think you need more punctuation to clear your thoughts. I haven't been brave enough to share yet, so not being superior or anything. Rework it and resubmit?

Ok, since my last thread was closed because I couldn't post in the right place, here goes:

This day for me was different. I can still smell everything that combined on that morning that changed everything. I wasn't on the outside looking in, I was stuck in the fishbowl and unlike those who chose to write what happened I know all of the smells, the concussive feelings of buildings being hit relentlessly until they collapsed, their crashing not loud enough to stifle the screams inside.

This day for me was different. I can still smell everything that combined on that morning that changed everything. I wasn't on the outside looking in, I was stuck in the fishbowl and unlike those who chose to write what happened I know all of the smells, the concussive feelings of buildings being hit relentlessly until they collapsed, their crashing not loud enough to stifle the screams inside.

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The only sentence that makes sense to me is the first. Today is different.

Everything else is a bit of a jumble. The second sentence doesn't really add up to anything, and the third sentence is absurdly long. It looks like it could be a paragraph of its own.

pathrunner said:

This day for me was different. I can still smell everything that combined on that morning that changed everything. I wasn't on the outside looking in, I was stuck in the fishbowl and unlike those who chose to write what happened I know all of the smells, the concussive feelings of buildings being hit relentlessly until they collapsed, their crashing not loud enough to stifle the screams inside.

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First sentence: I think you don't need the first sentence at all, because you later go on to describe a scenario that obviously makes the day very different.
Second sentence: If the narrator can still smell it, (whatever it is) then describe what it smelled like. Burning cinder? Blood and gunpowder, etc. Also, you are also not doing yourself any favors with the coy "that morning that everything changed." Instead of building tension, the vagueness just makes me impatient to know what the character is talking about.
Third sentence: It contains too much to digest for a single sentence. You have some powerful images, but crammed in to one sentence they lose their effect.

-Stuck in a fishbowl
-Other people wrote about this but didn't experience it like I did
-The smell was distinctive, the feeling of having the buildings hit and then collapse while listening to the screams.

Break it up for clarity.

Diving in:

The Listener was gagged for her trial. The townspeople whispered amongst themselves that this was like tying up a tree so it wouldn’t run away, but nobody called for its removal.

In the front row sat a tiny girl done up in ribbons and curls.

Tazlima said:

The Listener was gagged for her trial. The townspeople whispered amongst themselves that this was like tying up a tree so it wouldn’t run away, but nobody called for its removal.

In the front row sat a tiny girl done up in ribbons and curls.

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Liked this, would definitely read on. The second line kind of threw me off though. Not sure if its an expression, but how would a tree run away? And then the two "its" in a row. The second "its" seems like its referring to the tree, but I think you mean the gag, right?