[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Chiara Nova said:

If you'd ask me for how long I've been here, my best guess would be around fourteen days. I tried to keep track in the beginning, but it was hard to know whether I started counting at day one or day three or day 255, since I didn't know for how long I had been unconscious. I just decided to start at one.

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Interesting start. I agree with mrsmg, I don't think you need to use all three sentences to cover the same notion of passing time, but I would read on.

nycepter said:

The knife, ever so swift to deliver such a clean cut, dripped warm with the blood of the man and woman who were parents to the now orphaned child. This particular night was cold, the kind of night where one would walk down an empty street filled with broken glass and shadows cast by the buzzing light above as it flickered towards deaths precipice, as if to reflect the night itself. These distinct shadows homed the reverence of the reaper himself, siphoning the calamitous souls in a Caulfieldian essence.

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I like my prose rich, but this is too overwritten for me, especially sentence 2 & 3.

Short:

The first rule of fairies: If you see one, think happy thoughts. Or if you can’t manage happy, at the very least try for tranquil. Don’t think about the horrifying stories you may have read.

Hi Chiara,

It's and intriguing opening that has me asking questions, always good! However, I do agree with other commenters that have suggested moving on from the passage of time a little bit quicker.

Chiara Nova said:

If you'd ask me for how long I've been here, my best guess would be around fourteen days. I tried to keep track in the beginning, but it was hard to know whether I started counting at day one or day three or day 255, since I didn't know for how long I had been unconscious. I just decided to start at one.

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Maybe the three sentences could be condensed to one along the lines of: "I don't know how long I'd been here when I started counting, but since then my best guess would be around fourteen days." Then you could show the reader where they are or why they're there straight away.

Tris

Hey android,

recoveringandroid said:

The first rule of fairies: If you see one, think happy thoughts. Or if you can’t manage happy, at the very least try for tranquil. Don’t think about the horrifying stories you may have read.

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This is so playful and clever. It promises some dark humour so I would definitely read on.

Tris.

Hey nycepter,

nycepter said:

The knife, ever so swift to deliver such a clean cut, dripped warm with the blood of the man and woman who were parents to the now orphaned child. This particular night was cold, the kind of night where one would walk down an empty street filled with broken glass and shadows cast by the buzzing light above as it flickered towards deaths precipice, as if to reflect the night itself. These distinct shadows homed the reverence of the reaper himself, siphoning the calamitous souls in a Caulfieldian essence.

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There' a lot to like in these three sentences, but there's also a lot just in general. To me it almost feels like each one deserves a paragraph of its own, so you can unpack what's happening and give specific actions and images more room to breathe. I hope that makes sense.

Tris

recoveringandroid said:

Short:

The first rule of fairies: If you see one, think happy thoughts. Or if you can’t manage happy, at the very least try for tranquil. Don’t think about the horrifying stories you may have read.

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It seems like kind of an interesting concept, but I think this would work better shown rather than told. As is, this opening doesn’t pull me in to want to read more.

Hey guys,
Here's my attempt, from a WIP:

Haigen sat cross-legged on an ashen beach, watching waves lap at the fractured wood scattered along the shoreline. An untied shoe caught his attention and he started to laugh. His snorts and whoops grew louder, wilder, until the cold pain spreading out from his side stole his breath.

Tris

recoveringandroid said:

Short:

The first rule of fairies: If you see one, think happy thoughts. Or if you can’t manage happy, at the very least try for tranquil. Don’t think about the horrifying stories you may have read.

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The only major change I might make with this is to combine sentences one and two - "The first rule of fairies: If you see one, think happy thoughts -- or at least, try for tranquil." That way, you have an additional sentence to talk about what happens if you think the wrong thoughts ...

Tristann said:

Hey guys,
Here's my attempt, from a WIP:

Haigen sat cross-legged on an ashen beach, watching waves lap at the fractured wood scattered along the shoreline. An untied shoe caught his attention and he started to laugh. His snorts and whoops grew louder, wilder, until the cold pain spreading out from his side stole his breath.

Tris

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I like the 1st sentence and the 3rd sentence, but the middle with the shoe could do with a little more detail--is his shoe untied, or is there one tangled in the debris? Is it just off to the side somewhere or perhaps perched ludicrously to make him laugh? Or is it just the shoe itself that causes this reaction? I'd read on, though!

Hey android,

recoveringandroid said:

I like the 1st sentence and the 3rd sentence, but the middle with the shoe could do with a little more detail--is his shoe untied, or is there one tangled in the debris? Is it just off to the side somewhere or perhaps perched ludicrously to make him laugh? Or is it just the shoe itself that causes this reaction? I'd read on, though!

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Thanks for the comment. Hehe, yes, that sentence needs a lot more clarity. How about: A footless shoe, bobbing on the water, caught his attention and he started to laugh.

Would that make more sense? I'm trying to show the character is in shock after an accident, thus the strange behaviour.

Tris

Yeah I think that reads much better!

Tristann said:

Hey guys,
Here's my attempt, from a WIP:

Haigen sat cross-legged on an ashen beach, watching waves lap at the fractured wood scattered along the shoreline. An untied shoe caught his attention and he started to laugh. His snorts and whoops grew louder, wilder, until the cold pain spreading out from his side stole his breath.

Tris

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I think that if the story started closer to why the shoe is funny, and then went into the description of where and how he was sitting, that the opening would have a better hook for readers.

Hey guys,

recoveringandroid said:

Yeah I think that reads much better!

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Excellent, thank you!

dpaterso said:

I kinda got that and I would have read on without any changes, to find out how the ship got wrecked (I'm guessing), just how injured Haigen is, if anyone else survived, etc. Curiosity tickled.

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Thanks! And you guessed right

Denevius said:

I think that if the story started closer to why the shoe is funny, and then went into the description of where and how he was sitting, that the opening would have a better hook for readers.

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It might not be quite what you were thinking, but do you think this would work better?
A footless shoe bobbed among the floating pieces of fractured wood, rising and falling as if attempting to walk on its own. Haigen stared at it for a moment, then started to laugh. His snorts and whoops grew louder, wilder, until the cold pain spreading out from his side stole his breath.

Tris

Hey mrsmig,

mrsmig said:

I like this one better than your previous opener - enough to read on - but I think you could easily lose "footless." Instead of being drawn into Haigen's situation, I got waylaid wondering why the detail of the shoe being unoccupied was important enough to point up.

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That's a really good point, in the new version 'shoeless' is redundant and doesn't fit the sentence. Thanks!

Tris

Thanks for all your great feedback! I agree with all your comments and I'm struggling to get it just right, but your comments help me set the story in the right direction.

recoveringandroid said:

Short:

The first rule of fairies: If you see one, think happy thoughts. Or if you can’t manage happy, at the very least try for tranquil. Don’t think about the horrifying stories you may have read.

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I like this. I agree with Tristann on how this promises some darkness which would make me read on, though I also agree with Denevius that this could be better shown than told. I think the use of the word Or in the second sentence breaks the flow of the story, I'd suggest getting rid of it. Maybe show us something of those horrifying stories in the third sentence, a glimpse would be enough. All in all, I'm curious to see what happens next and I would read on.

Tristann said:

Hey guys,



Excellent, thank you!



Thanks! And you guessed right



It might not be quite what you were thinking, but do you think this would work better?
A footless shoe bobbed among the floating pieces of fractured wood, rising and falling as if attempting to walk on its own. Haigen stared at it for a moment, then started to laugh. His snorts and whoops grew louder, wilder, until the cold pain spreading out from his side stole his breath.

Tris

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I think this opener is better than the previous one. It's quicker to draw you into the story, whereas with the first opener I was not as compelled to keep on reading. I do agree with mrsmig that footless is redundant here. If there were still a (legless) foot in that shoe, however, that's something I would want to know. Great improvement

Hi, everyone. My first three for a dark fantasy are at the bottom of this post.

Tristann said:

A footless shoe bobbed among the floating pieces of fractured wood, rising and falling as if attempting to walk on its own. Haigen stared at it for a moment, then started to laugh. His snorts and whoops grew louder, wilder, until the cold pain spreading out from his side stole his breath.

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Nicely descriptive. These lines set the scene, a conflict, and show characterization. I feel as if the inciting incident is close.

Nitpicks: The comma splice (moment, then) bothers me in an opening line, but I understand most readers would accept it. I agree with the others about "footless".

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Dumping earth on a body isn’t enough to bury the death. The people of Shades Hollow know this, which is why they burn everyone who doesn’t want to turn vympir.
They bury the rest under two feet of earth.

Hey guys!

aspirit said:

Nitpicks: The comma splice (moment, then) bothers me in an opening line, but I understand most readers would accept it. I agree with the others about "footless".

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Chiara Nova said:

I think this opener is better than the previous one. It's quicker to draw you into the story, whereas with the first opener I was not as compelled to keep on reading. I do agree with mrsmig that footless is redundant here. If there were still a (legless) foot in that shoe, however, that's something I would want to know. Great improvement

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Thanks so much for the comments I'll loose the 'footless' and the comma (I'm terrible for the extra commas hehe).

Tris

Hey aspirit,

aspirit said:

Dumping earth on a body isn’t enough to bury the death. The people of Shades Hollow know this, which is why they burn everyone who doesn’t want to turn vympir.
They bury the rest under two feet of earth.

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This is an interesting start that instantly sets up a twist on what the reader might expect from a vampire story, suggesting that becoming one might be an open choice in Shades Hollow. I'm not sure about the first sentence though, as with the wording how it is you have 'dumping earth' once and 'bury' twice in quite a small space.

Tris

An elderly woman sipped bubble tea from a plain, white foam cup. A smile ran across her face as the tea moved over her lips and into her belly, warming the soul. The white mattress of her stretcher was firm and uncomfortable, and the chiming of alarm monitors caused a constant annoyance, but the look on the woman's face revealed that her tea made all of the annoyances of the Emergency Department fade out of existence.