It's interesting. I want to know why those fingers are pointed. The second line is cumbersome. Maybe a little reordering, starting with the gripe of the pox man, then the cry for healer?
[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story
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It's interesting. I want to know why those fingers are pointed. The second line is cumbersome. Maybe a little reordering, starting with the gripe of the pox man, then the cry for healer?
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This is definitely interesting. I'm wondering why the discrepancy in numbers, but it's obvious you are doing that purposely so I would read on to find out.
I find this a little confusing the way it's written. If you gave the wizard their own line, it would be easier to follow.
Not more than a couple dozen, Legacy thought. But the mage, Su-Won, whispered, “One hundred thirteen. We should turn back.”
I like this a lot! Starting with an overview to give us a sense of what's going on is refreshing. The hooks are strong: the first sentence made me ask what it was the young man was so sure of finding, and the last made me wonder if the young man would also receive good news (probably not). The fact that I don't know anything about The Young Man is totally acceptable at this point where we are just 3 sentences into the story and so far have been given an intriguing situation.
Is it "upon" or just "on" the summit?
If anything, I would suggest considering given us some more of the physical setting as soon as possible.
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REVISED BELOW IN POST #1385: Title: HERO; Genre: Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 20,000 words.
First three lines below.
***
The Hollow Men marched through the canyons in unison, their gray faces emotionless, their short swords bouncing on their hips.
“Can’t be more than a couple dozen,” Legacy whispered. He crouched behind bushes on a cliff above the Hollow Men, his companions beside him.
First three lines below.
***
The Hollow Men marched through the canyons in unison, their gray faces emotionless, their short swords bouncing on their hips.
“Can’t be more than a couple dozen,” Legacy whispered. He crouched behind bushes on a cliff above the Hollow Men, his companions beside him.
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The first sentence has a feel similar to. List instead of a compelling description. Think about how to describe the people, setting or action in a little more roundabout fashion that does more than one thing for you. For example, you could say how the short swords clapped on their sides in time with their steps. This describes the swords and the rhythmic nature of their steps.
In the second paragraph don't be in such a hurry to say where they are. Try throwing in a word about the nature of the bushes or the shape of the cliff. This description can give more detail but also allude to the situation in the plot. For example, if they are in a desperate situation you could stress the barren or desolate terrain of the canyon or cliff.
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actually 4 sentences:
Jerked again. This time the transfer took me by surprise. I barely had time to register what was happening. Just a slight buzzing in my ears and then the familiar “whoosh” as I left one body and entered another.
Jerked again. This time the transfer took me by surprise. I barely had time to register what was happening. Just a slight buzzing in my ears and then the familiar “whoosh” as I left one body and entered another.
I think this might be too in the moment. Jerked doesn't work as a good descriptor (for me) because my first thought was someone being jerked around, not physically jerked. Since the second one was a surprise you could just say "The second transfer took me by surprise." The third sentence doesn't do much, maybe drop it and get to the meat of what is happening. I think it might work that was. I dunno.
REVISION: Title: HERO; Genre: Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 20,000 words.
First three lines below.
***
The Hollow Men marched through the canyons in unison, their gray faces emotionless, their short swords bouncing on their hips. They didn’t blink as they snaked through the low mountains, their spring green eyes glowing in the sunlight.
“Maybe a couple hundred?”
First three lines below.
***
The Hollow Men marched through the canyons in unison, their gray faces emotionless, their short swords bouncing on their hips. They didn’t blink as they snaked through the low mountains, their spring green eyes glowing in the sunlight.
“Maybe a couple hundred?”
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dpaterso
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Reads smoothly enough to me, I'd keep going to see what happens.
I hesitate, 'cause this seems to change every day lol, but this version, it seems odd to mention emotionless gray faces without also, in the same line, their unblinking glowing green eyes? And there's an echo of sorts in their marching through the canyons and also snaking through the low mountains. My fingers are twitching with the mad urge to shuffle words around, but I just wanna be a reader. So, not quite there yet, for me.
-Derek
Here’s my first three sentences from a short story I wrote recently:
It was a hot summer evening in London and Nancy Brown was dressed in the colour mustard, standing on a train platform, admiring her dress and the way it looked under the dim, yellowish light. Nancy wished the woman informing the station of train delays over an intercom, would announce how many minutes longer she would have to wait for her husband Jack to arrive, and for him to tell her how beautiful she looked in her new dress. It was a colour she had once found to be ugly, it reminded her of the jars of her daughter’s baby food lined up in her kitchen cupboard at home, all the same colour, all claiming to be something different: mustard-coloured peach desert, mustard coloured Sunday roast, mustard-coloured shepherd’s pie.
It was a hot summer evening in London and Nancy Brown was dressed in the colour mustard, standing on a train platform, admiring her dress and the way it looked under the dim, yellowish light. Nancy wished the woman informing the station of train delays over an intercom, would announce how many minutes longer she would have to wait for her husband Jack to arrive, and for him to tell her how beautiful she looked in her new dress. It was a colour she had once found to be ugly, it reminded her of the jars of her daughter’s baby food lined up in her kitchen cupboard at home, all the same colour, all claiming to be something different: mustard-coloured peach desert, mustard coloured Sunday roast, mustard-coloured shepherd’s pie.
For me as a reader, the first line would have stopped me. The present participle is one clause too many, and then there’s a conjunction following that completely does me in.
It’s cool if long sentences are your thing, but I think you’re going to turn off a significant percentage of readers with a writing style like this.
Fair enough the sentences are long, some people are put off by that kind of writing style, agree but only to an extent.
Were a significant amount of people put off by the 45 pages in Ulysses written in one long sentence? No.
Now that point wasn’t to say I’m James Joyce, only that a pretty good chunk of readers are perfectly capable of reading and enjoying something that’s not short-and-snappy in style.
I agree that the sentences are a little long, but I wouldn't say it puts me off. If I may, I would reduce the first sentence to something more like this....
It was a hot summer evening in London and Nancy Brown looked down, admiring her mustard coloured dress as she waited for the train to come in.
.... or something similar. For me it's tighter, a little less wordy. I do love the baby food descriptions though
Here are my three
He stood beside the bed and looked down at the girl. She was young now, just a child, but even in the half light of dawn her plump features were still recognisable as the woman he once knew. She was restless, kicking off her covers as children do and held on to a small teddy bear, a blue one with a white chest and one missing eye.
He stood beside the bed and looked down at the girl. She was young now, just a child, but even in the half light of dawn her plump features were still recognisable as the woman he once knew. She was restless, kicking off her covers as children do and held on to a small teddy bear, a blue one with a white chest and one missing eye.
I agree that the sentences are a little long, but I wouldn't say it puts me off. If I may, I would reduce the first sentence to something more like this....
It was a hot summer evening in London and Nancy Brown looked down, admiring her mustard coloured dress as she waited for the train to come in.
.... or something similar. For me it's tighter, a little less wordy. I do love the baby food descriptions though
Thanks Lady Fox. I think saying its not tight enough or too wordy is a much more useful critique than saying it's just a turn off if sentences are long.
I like your adjustment, only I really want the first sentence to say "colour mustard" rather than mustard colour as it's in the title of the story so I'll keep your sentence in mind and play around with it!
Here are my three
He stood beside the bed and looked down at the girl. She was young now, just a child, but even in the half light of dawn her plump features were still recognisable as the woman he once knew. She was restless, kicking off her covers as children do and held on to a small teddy bear, a blue one with a white chest and one missing eye.
The first two sentences are intriguing, though I did immediately think of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. I would read a little further to see how the PoV once knew the girl, a woman before, a child now.
Haha, I apologize for that. This is going to be a long story, and I’m trying to start it on a solid foundation before I continue writing what’s going to take a couple of months to finish.
I think I’m almost there, however.
Welcome to AW!
By your responses, I can see you like this style. I tend to be tighter.
For me, staying focused on the colour mustard, and shuffling the sentences a bit might be smoother. The husband feels shoe-horned in the middle.
If this helps, maybe:
On a hot summer evening in London, Nancy Brown stood on a train platform admiring her mustard-colored dress in the dim, yellowish light. She had once found the colour mustard ugly, reminiscent of her daughter’s baby food lined up in her kitchen cupboard at home, all the same colour, but claiming to be something different: peach desert, Sunday roast, shepherd’s pie.
Anyway, just an example of ways you could play with it. I don't think repeating the mustard-coloured is needed with each flavor, and I think Shepard's is capital.
I'd probably read on a bit to see where it was going, but this is a lot of words dedicated to the colour. May just be your intent.
Hope anything helps.
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Welcome to AW!
By your responses, I can see you like this style. I tend to be tighter.
For me, staying focused on the colour mustard, and shuffling the sentences a bit might be smoother. The husband feels shoe-horned in the middle.
If this helps, maybe:
On a hot summer evening in London, Nancy Brown stood on a train platform admiring her mustard-colored dress in the dim, yellowish light. She had once found the colour mustard ugly, reminiscent of her daughterÂ’s baby food lined up in her kitchen cupboard at home, all the same colour, but claiming to be something different: peach desert, Sunday roast, shepherdÂ’s pie.
Anyway, just an example of ways you could play with it. I don't think repeating the mustard-coloured is needed with each flavor, and I think Shepard's is capital.
I'd probably read on a bit to see where it was going, but this is a lot of words dedicated to the colour. May just be your intent.
Hope anything helps.
Thank you ! I do like that a lot. So it’s really helped. It becomes clear why it’s so intent on the colour but I guess that’s hard to show with three lines.
Thanks again
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I wasn't particularly put off by length, these sentences run smoothly enough, but this focus on colour -- even her name is a colour -- began to crowd out everything else. Also I'm sure the sentences are long because you're cramming so many facts and details into them. As an alternative, and to help break up the chunky opening paragraph, consider delivering Nancy's dress thoughts and how she hopes Jack will like it, interrupted by the live tannoy announcement. Followed by the she'd once found it ugly/baby food thoughts. Just an idea.
lol yes, I sure was. Heck of an argument though.
Should "he once knew" be "he'd once known"? Not sure, mentioning it anyway. This opening tickles curiosity, I'd read on to find out what's going on.
-Derek
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REVISION: I’ve been hammering away at this opening.
Thanks all who commented on my opening three.
After several critiques of the first chapter of my novella, I realize that the narrative isn’t meeting its potential. So I decided to take a different route.
Title: THE HOLLOW MEN; Genre: Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 30,000 words.
First three lines below.
***
Every year, the heroes got younger. Lee Jeong Seok’s shadow fell over his son, Lee Ha Jun. The boy wasn’t ready, but they were out of time.
Thanks all who commented on my opening three.
After several critiques of the first chapter of my novella, I realize that the narrative isn’t meeting its potential. So I decided to take a different route.
Title: THE HOLLOW MEN; Genre: Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 30,000 words.
First three lines below.
***
Every year, the heroes got younger. Lee Jeong Seok’s shadow fell over his son, Lee Ha Jun. The boy wasn’t ready, but they were out of time.
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I appreciate the feedback on the last one. Here is another on a current work in progress:
Paul started the day as he always did by looking in the mirror and assessing his progress in life. With his chin tilted up and eyes smugly narrowed he repeated his daily mantra: "Crushing it." This morning he felt more spry than normal so he followed this up with a clap, a snap with each hand, and aggressively pointing at the guy who had it all figured out.
Paul started the day as he always did by looking in the mirror and assessing his progress in life. With his chin tilted up and eyes smugly narrowed he repeated his daily mantra: "Crushing it." This morning he felt more spry than normal so he followed this up with a clap, a snap with each hand, and aggressively pointing at the guy who had it all figured out.