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Thread: [Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

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  1. #27
    Write. Write. Writey Write Write. mrsmig's Avatar
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    Jul 2012
    Quote Originally Posted by Rob40 View Post
    mrsmig, denevius: Thank you for the input. That's always something I struggle with at first until I get to clean things up and even then, I still find myself unknowingly getting tell-y. Technical jobs and backgrounds do that. What I can do here with what i posted is just cut things out to start. I was trying to pack too much in and set the atmosphere at the same time. Scuttling was a saved moment to near the end, and later after the post I thought I should have left it that way because saving more for exposition is always a good thing but keeping it interesting until then is the hard test of doing that. So here's where I saw what you talked about and made an adjustment. I'll leave it at this point and move back to the Word window. re-writing and especially the editing are the next lessons. Funny how my teachers long ago forgot to really dig into that bit.
    (cut) Two men sat on a beach, silently watching a driftwood fire, listening to the waves at night. (cut the end and add parts of forth and fifth lines to the second and third) Otto ate from a can while Fitz poked at the fire and said, "Any regrets?" Otto shook his head no in quiet contemplation of how they would start over the next morning.
    Raft shows up later as something interactive with the characters, scuttling as well during their conversation, saves good bits for last.
    Not really quite sure what you're asking for here. Is this a revision and you're asking for another crit? Or are you asking for input on your options?

    In either case, you shouldn't post for crit until you've proofed and polished your excerpt to a shine. Otherwise, because critters will be unable to focus on your work because they're distracted by errors. It's also not a great idea to post a revision immediately after you've received feedback. Allow time for other critters to weigh in, then give yourself at least 24 hours to mull over the crits, revise thoughtfully and proof before you post.
    Last edited by mrsmig; 02-26-2018 at 05:08 AM.
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