[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

porlock

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Thanks ,I originally wrote the story with a male protagonist, but it didn't sell so I changed genders. It's got a little ghost story, a little mystery, and hopefully some suspense.
 

Denevius

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I heard you were chased by a bully at school today, but I can see by your smile that he didn't catch you. Well, come here and sit down on the front porch swing by Grandma and I’ll tell you about the meanest bully there ever was. George, be a good grandpa and get us girls some lemonade, and be sure to put some additive in mine.

The opening feels a little contrived. A grandchild has problems with bullies, and the grandmother launches into a story about a bully? It feels rushed, like first the grandmother might want to hear more about what happened to the grandchild before going down memory lane.
 

porlock

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Okay, but it isn't the little girl's story; stopping to go off on a tangent about her experience would take the story out of focus. However, I appreciate all comments and will think on it.
 

recoveringandroid

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I heard you were chased by a bully at school today, but I can see by your smile that he didn't catch you. Well, come here and sit down on the front porch swing by Grandma and I’ll tell you about the meanest bully there ever was. George, be a good grandpa and get us girls some lemonade, and be sure to put some additive in mine.

It feels a bit rushed to me, which is off-putting. And the narrator talking to both the granddaughter and her husband to me feels a little disembodied. It's not quite putting me into the scene on the porch with them.
 

porlock

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Well, as so often happens, we have disagreement among critiques - two likes, two with reservations. I'll just go with my gut on this, thanks everyone for their comments (or support, as the case may be).
 

MatthewSteele

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Sam opened his eyes, blinking away the brightness. The room around him came into focus, revealing the interior of a quaint country cottage, the kind you’d see perfectly manicured for a magazine still. He did not recognize it.
 

Denevius

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Sam opened his eyes, blinking away the brightness. The room around him came into focus, revealing the interior of a quaint country cottage, the kind you’d see perfectly manicured for a magazine still. He did not recognize it.

I’m having a hard time picturing the kind of perfectly manicured cottage normally seen in a magazine still, so that type of description doesn’t do anything to draw me into the story or paint a scene of where your PoV is.

Maybe the story should start somewhere a little more intriguing? Right now, the three lines, one in which the PoV opens his eyes, the second of a nondescript image, the third of a recognition, isn’t enough to draw me in as a reader.
 

MatthewSteele

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I’m having a hard time picturing the kind of perfectly manicured cottage normally seen in a magazine still, so that type of description doesn’t do anything to draw me into the story or paint a scene of where your PoV is.

Maybe the story should start somewhere a little more intriguing? Right now, the three lines, one in which the PoV opens his eyes, the second of a nondescript image, the third of a recognition, isn’t enough to draw me in as a reader.

I suppose not everyone is a Home and Garden reader :p
 

recoveringandroid

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Here's the first three lines of a short story I'm editing right now. Thank you for reading!

***

I am on a small luxury spacecraft orbiting my home world, Tenaris, surrounded by my family, a couple of officiants, and some members of the press. I clutch a flute of Nyrondian bubble wine with one hand while the other rests atop the control panel that has just activated my best and final art installation. My life’s work.
 

recoveringandroid

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Sam opened his eyes, blinking away the brightness. The room around him came into focus, revealing the interior of a quaint country cottage, the kind you’d see perfectly manicured for a magazine still. He did not recognize it.

I like it. Denevius' comment is interesting to me, how readers will have so many disparate backgrounds to pull potential imagery from. I picked up on the cottage right away, but then again I once lived in a place where the previous tenant's Sunset magazine subscription never ran out, even three years after they moved away. So I got to see a lot of quaint cottage images. ;) Something nags at my mind with the word 'revealing,' but I can't really place why.
 

Denevius

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Here's the first three lines of a short story I'm editing right now. Thank you for reading!

***

I am on a small luxury spacecraft orbiting my home world, Tenaris, surrounded by my family, a couple of officiants, and some members of the press. I clutch a flute of Nyrondian bubble wine with one hand while the other rests atop the control panel that has just activated my best and final art installation. My life’s work.

I get a sense that the story starts a paragraph or so later. I think openings like this would be better served moved down a little in the narrative, as they’re not offering a good enough reason for the reader to read on.

The plot, or the *why* we’re being introduced to this PoV, would probably be more effective in hooking readers to read further, and so a better way to begin the story.
 

dpaterso

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Sam opened his eyes, blinking away the brightness. The room around him came into focus, revealing the interior of a quaint country cottage, the kind you’d see perfectly manicured for a magazine still. He did not recognize it.
Tickled my curiosity enough to make me want to read more to see where this is going, like has Sam been kidnapped, has he injured himself and been brought here by a rescuer, or what. Curiosity is good.

I am on a small luxury spacecraft orbiting my home world, Tenaris, surrounded by my family, a couple of officiants, and some members of the press. I clutch a flute of Nyrondian bubble wine with one hand while the other rests atop the control panel that has just activated my best and final art installation. My life’s work.
I'm also curious about this one, what can his life's achievement be? And who is this person, who has attracted such attention. I'd read on to find out.

-Derek
 

csteffoz

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The day Merlin first saw Nyneve, he saw his own end. Her gaze felt like a blast of frigid wind, piercing through him. In her eyes, he watched vines of lilac and foxglove wrap around his sleeping form and drag him into the earth.
 

dpaterso

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The day Merlin first saw Nyneve, he saw his own end. Her gaze felt like a blast of frigid wind, piercing through him. In her eyes, he watched vines of lilac and foxglove wrap around his sleeping form and drag him into the earth.
I liked that, would read on.

-Derek
 

mrsmig

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The day Merlin first saw Nyneve, he saw his own end. Her gaze felt like a blast of frigid wind, piercing through him. In her eyes, he watched vines of lilac and foxglove wrap around his sleeping form and drag him into the earth.

I might read on a bit, although this feels just a bit overwritten to me and every sentence is about seeing or gazes or eyes. I wonder if there's any way to break up that monotony.

My other issue is that neither lilac nor foxglove produce vines (one's a shrub and the other's a biennial plant), so that error pulled me out of the narrative just as I was being caught up in it.
 
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csteffoz

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I might read on a bit, although this feels just a bit overwritten to me and every sentence is about seeing or gazes or eyes. I wonder if there's any way to break up that monotony.

My other issue is that neither lilac nor foxglove produce vines (one's a shrub and the other's a biennial plant), so that error pulled me out of the narrative just as I was being caught up in it.

Thanks! This is really helpful. I'll be sure to reword that last sentence to be more action-y and rejigger the descriptions of the branches/flowers/etc
 
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Denevius

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The day Merlin first saw Nyneve, he saw his own end. Her gaze felt like a blast of frigid wind, piercing through him. In her eyes, he watched vines of lilac and foxglove wrap around his sleeping form and drag him into the earth.

The ‘saw’ repeated twice in the same sentence is repetitive. And you can probably cut the filter ‘felt’ and revise the sentence so it’s not necessary.

I think there’s a bit too much tell in this opening, which might not pull in a greater share of readers.
 

jhbertel

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The day Merlin first saw Nyneve, he saw his own end. Her gaze felt like a blast of frigid wind, piercing through him. In her eyes, he watched vines of lilac and foxglove wrap around his sleeping form and drag him into the earth.

I like it and would read on. Not sure it wouldn't be stronger to omit the second sentence. Or maybe rewrite it as Merlins reaction to what is now the third sentence.
 

Chiara Nova

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If you'd ask me for how long I've been here, my best guess would be around fourteen days. I tried to keep track in the beginning, but it was hard to know whether I started counting at day one or day three or day 255, since I didn't know for how long I had been unconscious. I just decided to start at one.
 

nycepter

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The knife, ever so swift to deliver such a clean cut, dripped warm with the blood of the man and woman who were parents to the now orphaned child. This particular night was cold, the kind of night where one would walk down an empty street filled with broken glass and shadows cast by the buzzing light above as it flickered towards deaths precipice, as if to reflect the night itself. These distinct shadows homed the reverence of the reaper himself, siphoning the calamitous souls in a Caulfieldian essence.
 

mrsmig

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Hi Chiara Nova and nycepter, and welcome to AW.

If you'd ask me for how long I've been here, my best guess would be around fourteen days. I tried to keep track in the beginning, but it was hard to know whether I started counting at day one or day three or day 255, since I didn't know for how long I had been unconscious. I just decided to start at one.

I think this is a decent opener, albeit a bit wordy, especially the second sentence. Is the length of time the narrator has been in this place important enough to spend your opening three sentences on? If it isn't, you might want to move more quickly into the action.


The knife, ever so swift to deliver such a clean cut, dripped warm with the blood of the man and woman who were parents to the now orphaned child. This particular night was cold, the kind of night where one would walk down an empty street filled with broken glass and shadows cast by the buzzing light above as it flickered towards death's precipice, as if to reflect the night itself. These distinct shadows homed the reverence of the reaper himself, siphoning the calamitous souls in a Caulfieldian essence.

It's clear you're going for a certain kind of literary voice here, but in my opinion it's overdone. In addition, your story's "camera" is jumping around too much for my taste: first on the knife, then on the weather, then on the setting, etc. Three sentences in, and I'm already confused and don't know where to focus my attention.

I'm afraid I wouldn't read on.
 

Denevius

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If you'd ask me for how long I've been here, my best guess would be around fourteen days. I tried to keep track in the beginning, but it was hard to know whether I started counting at day one or day three or day 255, since I didn't know for how long I had been unconscious. I just decided to start at one.

The idea here is interesting, but the execution is a little off. I think this would work better if we weren’t being told this, but realizing it alongside the PoV. This could be done by seeing them come to the decision to start at one. I think that’s where the opening really is.
 

Denevius

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The knife, ever so swift to deliver such a clean cut, dripped warm with the blood of the man and woman who were parents to the now orphaned child. This particular night was cold, the kind of night where one would walk down an empty street filled with broken glass and shadows cast by the buzzing light above as it flickered towards deaths precipice, as if to reflect the night itself. These distinct shadows homed the reverence of the reaper himself, siphoning the calamitous souls in a Caulfieldian essence.

There’s a lot of descriptive language, but it’s a bit overwritten, and the sentences are too long. This could be six sentences instead of stuffed into three.
 

shonmorley

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The knife, ever so swift to deliver such a clean cut, dripped warm with the blood of the man and woman who were parents to the now orphaned child. This particular night was cold, the kind of night where one would walk down an empty street filled with broken glass and shadows cast by the buzzing light above as it flickered towards deaths precipice, as if to reflect the night itself. These distinct shadows homed the reverence of the reaper himself, siphoning the calamitous souls in a Caulfieldian essence.


I see the voice your going for. One of my favorite authors, Patrick Rothfus use this kind of camp fire-ish tone. His sentences are more tighter though. Your voice could have a bigger impact and more punch with shorter sentences.