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[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story
- Thread starter wotcherH
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REVISION
Title: BUTCHERS; Genre: Urban Horror
First three lines below.
***
Tonight, Song Min Gun brought his butchering tools.
He clung, five stories up, to the surface of a rough brick wall. A bone saw, attached to his belt by a thin chain, swayed gently in the autumn breeze.
Title: BUTCHERS; Genre: Urban Horror
First three lines below.
***
Tonight, Song Min Gun brought his butchering tools.
He clung, five stories up, to the surface of a rough brick wall. A bone saw, attached to his belt by a thin chain, swayed gently in the autumn breeze.
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This sounds fun!
Title: The Paranormal Life of Jonathan Young Genre: Horror/Comedy
The supernatural has always been a part of my life, regardless if I wanted it to be or not. I had convinced myself so much of it was the overactive imagination of a kid who spent too much time in his head in order to cope with all the shit life threw at him. Here’s the thing, the memory is a fickle thing, a picture book drawn by a bad artist, an unreliable narrator leading us astray, but it is also something of a benevolent protector shielding us from what lies just beyond the veil that divides our fragile concepts of reality and the sledgehammer that is the truth.
Title: The Paranormal Life of Jonathan Young Genre: Horror/Comedy
The supernatural has always been a part of my life, regardless if I wanted it to be or not. I had convinced myself so much of it was the overactive imagination of a kid who spent too much time in his head in order to cope with all the shit life threw at him. Here’s the thing, the memory is a fickle thing, a picture book drawn by a bad artist, an unreliable narrator leading us astray, but it is also something of a benevolent protector shielding us from what lies just beyond the veil that divides our fragile concepts of reality and the sledgehammer that is the truth.
This is throat-clearing. It's well-written throat-clearing, but throat-clearing nonetheless. You're telling us what you're going to tell us.
Your opening lines are precious real estate - in any work, but especially in short stories. I think you should move more quickly into your story. None of this is engaging enough to make me want to stick with it
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I find the visuals interesting. At first, you'd think he is stalking someone, a killer perhaps. Yet he clings high up on a wall and his name gives a ninja vibe. I like the picture it paints and I'm intrigued to get a better understanding of what is actually going on.
The main critique I would have is that, in my opinion, the placement of the commas gives it an off-kilter staccato when reading that throws off the flow. The last two sentences could be re-arranged to make it a singular flow, rather than have the details split with a set of commas.
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There’s a couple of things that I think would lose you some readers. The first is that the sentences are too long. The second is that this is an explanation, which doesn’t have a feel of a story, even though it’s first person.
I would think most of this can be moved, if not cut, so that we get closer to the action of the plot.
dpaterso
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Those lines read well to me (though 3rd sentence runs on a bit, I'd break at astray) -- though I did wonder when the story will start.
-Derek
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I really like this! My interest was piqued and I was sucked in. My one question (and this might be in error): by starting with 'Tonight' I was expecting present tense, but then you proceed in past: 'brought' and 'clung'. Shouldn't it be 'That night' if it's past?
Not bad, but too wordy. I think you could trim it way down, for example:
The supernatural's always been a part of my life whether I wanted it to or not. I'd convinced myself it was the overactive imagination of a kid coping with the shit life threw at him. Here’s the thing: memory's a fickle thing, a picture book drawn by a bad artist, an unreliable narrator. But also something of a shield against what lies just beyond the veil dividing our fragile concept of reality and the sledgehammer that's the truth.
Still needs work, but not a bad start! Tighten it up and I'd read on.
From my latest spaghetti thrown against the wall to see what sticks:
WORK IS LIFE. Those words, worked in iron and gold filigree, hung over the entrance to the slave mine. The overseers made sure we saw it at least once before they strapped excavators to our arms and neurowhipped us down into the darkness.
WORK IS LIFE. Those words, worked in iron and gold filigree, hung over the entrance to the slave mine. The overseers made sure we saw it at least once before they strapped excavators to our arms and neurowhipped us down into the darkness.
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Intriguing. you set the scene and create the tension, with a bit of added scifi detail to spur us on. The beginning of the third sentence could be a bit tighter, but overall, I'd read on.
The first line could be more interesting, but the next two lines are intriguing. I’d read on a little further.
I like it, it's intriguing but I would have set it up the other way around for added effect:
The words, worked in iron and gold filigree, hung over the entrance to the slave mine. The overseers made sure we saw them at least once before they strapped excavators to our arms and neurowhipped us down into the darkness — WORK IS LIFE.
Just a suggestion.
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I like this, and Elle's suggestion. Another suggestion would be to try it in present tense. Might add another level of urgency, implying the outcome of the story is yet unknown. Good luck with the spaghetti throwing!
I like this and would read on. I also like the order of the sentences.
A couple of minor suggestions: put the first sentence in its own paragraph, to set it off, and replace "worked" with a different word to avoid the work/worked echo.
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dpaterso
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Here is one of mine. The MC is anxious, his mind is whirling, I didn't splice sentences together just for this thread. :)
Gordon looked at his watch again. She was late, she was twenty minutes late, was she lost, was her limo driving in circles trying to find the church? It was the big white building with the spire on top, you could see it for miles from any direction.
-Derek
Gordon looked at his watch again. She was late, she was twenty minutes late, was she lost, was her limo driving in circles trying to find the church? It was the big white building with the spire on top, you could see it for miles from any direction.
-Derek
I like it - the splices amp up the tension, and you've introduced your character and set up the scenario in just a few words. My interest is piqued and I'd read on.
There’s nothing wrong with it. I would read on.
My one thought on the first sentence is that maybe it’s a little too placid, as a first line and also as an action a distraught person is taking.
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Title: HONJA; Genre: Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 3000 words.
First three lines below.
***
The leader of the marauders asked the man his name, and he said, “Honja.”
The leader asked Honja why he stood on the side of the road leading to Suncheon City, and he said, “I’m looking for a means to pay my way through the world.”
The leader noted Honja’s worn clothes, mud stained boots, and the sword and dagger he carried, and said, “Then come with us.”
First three lines below.
***
The leader of the marauders asked the man his name, and he said, “Honja.”
The leader asked Honja why he stood on the side of the road leading to Suncheon City, and he said, “I’m looking for a means to pay my way through the world.”
The leader noted Honja’s worn clothes, mud stained boots, and the sword and dagger he carried, and said, “Then come with us.”
Title: Hotel Mambo
In the olde days, when the Slaves were barely free, the Butterfly Azule would dance from the Hangman’s Bayou above our small town of 400 souls. When their sapphire kissed the moonlight, they dazzled, enchanting the populace with a sky of became the sparkling Neptune starlit fireflies. And because of their enchanting beauty. We might’ve trapped them in our butterfly cages and sold them if it weren’t for their patterns.
In the olde days, when the Slaves were barely free, the Butterfly Azule would dance from the Hangman’s Bayou above our small town of 400 souls. When their sapphire kissed the moonlight, they dazzled, enchanting the populace with a sky of became the sparkling Neptune starlit fireflies. And because of their enchanting beauty. We might’ve trapped them in our butterfly cages and sold them if it weren’t for their patterns.
In the oldeWhy this spelling? days, when the Slaves Why uppercase? were barely free, the Butterfly Azule would dance from the Hangman’s Bayou above our small town I'm trying (and failing) to envision a bayou above a town.of
And because of their enchanting beauty. This sentence fragment isn't working for me. We might’ve trapped them in our butterfly cages and sold them if it weren’t for their patterns. (This is the fourth sentence in a three-sentence thread, so I din't include it.)This didn't hook me. I had trouble envisioning the first sentence, and three uppercase/proper nouns right off the bat was a bit off-putting (to me...YMMV). Then the second sentence was mangled (words left out?), and the third was a fragment that didn't make sense.
Perhaps comb through it again to make sure it is posted as you intended it to be.
All the best,
Riv
This works for me. The parallel structure is interesting and sets a certain tone. I would read on to see where it goes from here. (At this point, the style is more interesting than the characters and events, but that's okay as long as it keeps me reading!)
All the best,
Riv
The second sentence is grammatically incorrect. The third sentence is a fragment.
The idea is kind of intriguing, but right now I’m not confident the prose is going to do it justice. From these three lines, I would not read on. But with a revision smoothing out the writing, I can imagine being curious where the story is going.