[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Seaclusion said:

Thanks. I used her lovers name in the story, but always had her refer to her spouse as 'her husband'. I was trying to show her cavalier attitude toward the marriage, even though she needed him as much as she needed her lover.

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I wondered if that was why, seems fair, forget I spoke.

As I said, I didn't even place in the contest.

The contest was to write a story based on a photograph for a small weekly newspaper. I think my subject matter, infidelity-sex in the afternoon-marital secrets, was too much for a conservative throwaway paper.

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Yeah maybe it was just the market that was wrong, doesn't mean the story sucks, I'd hope you're looking for a good home elsewhere.

-Derek

dot-dot-dash said:

I found Mum sitting on the sofa six weeks after her funeral. She hardly moved, she said nothing, she just stared at the rug in the living room. Her expression gave little away, she didn’t look sad, angry, worried, or anything.

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Works for me, I'd read on out of curiosity, gotta find out what's brought her back. And how the POV character feels about this event.

Picky little thoughts: "She hardly moved" -- made me think she is moving, but what's she doing? "Her expression gave little away" -- what is her expression and what is the little it gives away? In both cases I'd drop these no-info clauses and go with "She didn't move," and "She didn't look sad, angry, worried or anything."

I also wanted to know if she's clean or if she's dirty (covered in cemetery earth) but maybe that's coming up next.

Still works as is, though! Don't change anything just because I had picky thoughts.

-Derek

tsherren said:

It was less of a sudden change, and more of an abrupt realization. It was as if I had blacked out, lived an entire life, and woke with a tinted view on the world. I was in fact still the same person I had always been.

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These lines may work fine within the context of the story but there's no imagery or clue as what the story might be about and where it's going or who the speaker is. So I'm not saying change anything, I'm just saying there's no hook -- yet.

-Derek

dot-dot-dash said:

Okay, I admit that dumping the navigator was a bit much. There, I’ve said it. I was getting carried away, and I was a little wound up, but it has to be said, jettisoning the other stuff had worked out perfectly fine.

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I envisaged Indiana Jones-style shenanigans going on here, but felt I'd blinked and missed the exciting bit where the narrator trades punches with the navigator before opening the door and kicking him out of the plane. Then again that's just a wild guess, I could be completely wrong -- which makes me think just an extra word or two to paint where and what actually did happen, might be a good thing.

-Derek

dot-dot-dash said:

Three lines here from a short story, The Miner.

Okay, I admit that dumping the navigator was a bit much. There, I’ve said it. I was getting carried away, and I was a little wound up, but it has to be said, jettisoning the other stuff had worked out perfectly fine.

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I liked this wry voice and would read on. The only thing I'd suggest is punching up that final sentence just a bit, so it doesn't echo "there, I've said it" so strongly, e.g.:

"...and I was a little wound up. However, jettisoning the other stuff..."

or

"...and I was a little wound up, but I gotta say, jettisoning the other stuff..."

or my favorite alternative:

"...and I was a little wound up, but jettisoning the other stuff..."

For what it's worth, I didn't envision the navigator as a sentient being, but as a piece of equipment, and expect that the next few sentences will corroborate that conception and I'll giggle over your cleverness at making us think the narrator just killed someone/thing.

The narrator didn't just kill someone/thing, did s/he?

autumnleaf said:

Don't have a title (or even a proper ending) for this, but it's been stuck in my head for a while:

"Kate O'Rourke was halfway across the Atlantic before she realized Luke's ghost had followed her. She'd assumed that bastard would be roaming the corridors of Hell by now. But it seemed that the steerage deck of the Eliza Anne served him just as well. "

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I think it's an intriguing start.

I don't quite understand why you didn't combine the last two sentences ("She'd assumed that bastard would be roaming the corridors of Hell by now, but it seemed etc."), as one thought leads to the other, and starting the third sentence with "but" is awkward.

autumnleaf said:

Kate O'Rourke was halfway across the Atlantic before she realized Luke's ghost had followed her. She'd assumed that bastard would be roaming the corridors of Hell by now. But it seemed that the steerage deck of the Eliza Anne served him just as well.

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Works for me, carry on. Gotta wonder if it's a famous boat.

-Derek

autumnleaf said:

Thanks for the comments. No, it's not a famous ship, I just made up the name as it seemed period appropriate (Victorian era). So if I combine the 2nd and 3rd sentences, does that mean I get an extra one?

Kate O'Rourke was halfway across the Atlantic before she realized Luke's ghost had followed her. She'd assumed that bastard would be roaming the corridors of Hell by now, but it seemed that the steerage deck of the Eliza Anne served him just as well.
"Haven't you caused enough trouble for one lifetime?" she muttered, earning her glares from the other passengers.

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Sure does. And I like it.

You could still trim a little fat from this - see suggested edits above.

The only drawback to combining sentences 2 and 3 from your first version is that you now have three longish sentences right at the beginning of the story. (I still prefer this version to beginning a sentence with "but".) You could end sentence 3 of this version after the quote, just to change things up, and move the other passengers' reaction into a fourth sentence.