[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

PiaSophia · Jun 28, 2019

Will Collins said:
Lara Rose hadn’t felt complete since the day she caused her identical twin sister to disappear.
She was starkly reminded of that fact yet again as she watched the twins across the classroom. It was her first English lesson of the week, and a sharp pang had gone through her when she saw the two students she’d be spending the year with.

I like it. A few questions immediately come to mind: how did Lara Rose cause her identical twin sister to disappear? Did she kill her? Where did she go? And secondly: why?! She certainly isn't feeling too good about it... I would read on to find out.

dpaterso said:
I was also thinking, what if you replaced "identical twin sister" with the sister's name instead. And let the reader figure out, from her twins in the classroom angst, that Lara Rose's sister was her twin.

-Derek

I agree with this. If you'd replace "identical twin sister" with her name, it would be even more intriguing. More so because you talk about the twins in the classroom in the next sentence, which will get your readers to probably understand that [name] is her twin sister after all (why else would Lara Rose feel a sharp pang watching the twins otherwise?)

Rufio · Jun 29, 2019

PiaSophia said:
"An 8-euro pack, please." It's an early Wednesday morning and he's already buying his second pack of cigarettes this week. It's been years since he's smoked this much.

I'd say there's not much to go on from just these first three sentences! But I suppose that's just how this particular game works.

I'm sure the rest of your story gets deeper into things. But if you want the first three sentences to be more intriguing, I'd give us something spicy earlier on:

"An 8-euro pack, please." It's an early Wednesday morning and he's already buying his second pack of cigarettes this week. And without a wife around to scold him, why shouldn't he pick up his old habit again?

Rufio · Jun 29, 2019

Will Collins said:
Lara Rose hadn’t felt complete since the day she caused her identical twin sister to disappear.
She was starkly reminded of that fact yet again as she watched the twins across the classroom. It was her first English lesson of the week, and a sharp pang had gone through her when she saw the two students she’d be spending the year with.

The first line is definitely intriguing.

I'm a bit put off by the second line where you say "the twins". It seems a little too close to the "twin sister" in the first line.

PiaSophia · Jun 29, 2019

Rufio said:
I'd say there's not much to go on from just these first three sentences! But I suppose that's just how this particular game works.

I'm sure the rest of your story gets deeper into things. But if you want the first three sentences to be more intriguing, I'd give us something spicy earlier on:

"An 8-euro pack, please." It's an early Wednesday morning and he's already buying his second pack of cigarettes this week. And without a wife around to scold him, why shouldn't he pick up his old habit again?

Haha! This made me laugh a little. Thanks a lot, it helps.

dobiwon · Jun 29, 2019

Will Collins said:
Lara Rose hadn’t felt complete since the day she caused her identical twin sister to disappear.
She was starkly reminded of that fact yet again as she watched the twins across the classroom. It was her first English lesson of the week, and a sharp pang had gone through her when she saw the two students she’d be spending the year with.

I agree with the others who said it would be more intriguing to use her sister's name instead of "her identical twin sister".

I don't want this to sound harsh, but to me there are things about the next two sentences that take away the edge the first sentence leaves me with. The passive tense of the next two sentences make them weak. The word "starkly" seems out of place, as does the phrase "yet again". "Sharp pang" is also a trite phrase, and "had gone" doesn't match the verb tense of the previous sentences. You might try doing some combining or reordering of the second and third sentences and bring them into the active voice. For example: Only the first English lesson of the week, and the sight of those new students, those twins she would be spending the next year with, was already stabbing through her like the proverbial knife of guilt.

Personally, I tend to overuse the passive tense, so I guess I'm a bit overly sensitive to it. I find it often causes me to be too wordy, and to tell things that would be more effective shown. Just something to think about.

Lou Trent · Jul 12, 2019

The fight in the market stemmed from a simple difference of opinion, as was so often the case. Two people couldn’t agree to disagree and managed to draw others into the heated debate. There had been many disagreements recently and some even developed into physical confrontations.

Ichabod · Jul 12, 2019

Kazella had healed Andor’s battle wounds many times. Now, would she heal his son who was wounded in a village raid? Arriving at the cave with his son strapped to his back, he got down and prepared to enter when a fellow warrior István stepped out and said, “Oh no, brother, you cannot bring that child in, she will not accept an outsider to the sanctuary.”

-Riv- · Jul 12, 2019

Ichabod said:
.

Kazella had healed Andor’s battle wounds many times. Now, would she heal his son who was wounded in a village raid? Arriving at the cave with his son strapped to his back, he got down (not sure what to envision here) and prepared to enter when a fellow warrior István stepped out and said, “Oh no, brother, you cannot bring that child in, ~~she will not accept an outsider to the sanctuary~~.”
:welcome:

(The last comma is a comma splice that creates a run-on sentence. Since it should have been a period, I'm just looking at the first thee sentences.)

The question doesn't work for me at all. If I were skimming openings, I would move on to the next story at that point. Also, it's confusing. Because this opened with Kazella, I thought she was questioning herself as to whether or not she would heal Andor's son. When I reached the next sentence with "his" I was thrown out by the "his" pronoun and had to reread everything.

Also, three characters have been named in as many sentences, and I haven't had a chance to connect with any of them yet. As it stands, I wouldn't read on. There's potential here, but you might want to consider slowing down a bit and showing the reader who Andor is so they have a chance of caring about him and his son before reaching this point. It wouldn't take much, I don't think.

All the best,
Riv

-Riv- · Jul 12, 2019

Lou Trent said:
The fight in the market stemmed from a simple difference of opinion, as was so often the case. Two people couldn’t agree to disagree and managed to draw others into the heated debate. There had been many disagreements recently and some even developed into physical confrontations.

This doesn't draw me in. It's too generic. Which market? Who is arguing? Why should I, as a reader, care? It reads more like notes about a place than a story itself. Consider opening with a character in that setting to give the reader someone to connect with. That would likely help a lot! "Two people" doesn't really work to draw me in.

All the best,
Riv

Woollybear · Jul 12, 2019

Lou Trent said:
The fight in the market stemmed from a simple difference of opinion, as was so often the case. Two people couldn’t agree to disagree and managed to draw others into the heated debate. There had been many disagreements recently and some even developed into physical confrontations.

Love the first line and suggest focusing in for 2 and 3. You went out to bigger generalities, away from the specifics. Try tightening instead.

Woollybear · Jul 12, 2019

Ichabod said:
Kazella had healed Andor’s battle wounds many times. Now, would she heal his son who was wounded in a village raid? Arriving at the cave with his son strapped to his back, he got down and prepared to enter when a fellow warrior István stepped out and said, “Oh no, brother, you cannot bring that child in, she will not accept an outsider to the sanctuary.”

Worked for me.

dpaterso · Jul 12, 2019

Welcome to the thread,

Lou Trent said:
The fight in the market stemmed from a simple difference of opinion, as was so often the case. Two people couldn’t agree to disagree and managed to draw others into the heated debate. There had been many disagreements recently and some even developed into physical confrontations.

Reads smoothly enough, I'd keep going to find out what this is about, although it could be anything, it could go anywhere, no characters introduced yet.

Ichabod said:
Kazella had healed Andor’s battle wounds many times. Now, would she heal his son who was wounded in a village raid? Arriving at the cave with his son strapped to his back, he got down and prepared to enter when a fellow warrior István stepped out and said, “Oh no, brother, you cannot bring that child in, she will not accept an outsider to the sanctuary.”

I would not be surprised if Andor's next line was, "An outsider? It's mah friggin son, you oink." Perhaps not! I'd read on to find out.

Watch your tense, "who had been wounded"

"he got down" made me wonder if he had to crawl through a low opening, but then I realized he's probably on a horse, and dismounting.

-Derek

mafiaking1936 · Jul 13, 2019

Here's the beginning of a 6K word story I just finished:

Antero sat at a corner table of the cafe, watching his victim from a distance and pretending to drink coffee. In retrospect he supposed he should’ve bought ginger tea to help settle his churning stomach, though it probably wouldn’t have helped. The doomed aristocrat's routine—Antero preferred not to think of him by name—saw him eat his lunch in the same spot in the same cafe on the same day of every week.

PiaSophia · Jul 13, 2019

mafiaking1936 said:
Here's the beginning of a 6K word story I just finished:

Antero sat at a corner table of the cafe, watching his victim from a distance and pretending to drink coffee. In retrospect he supposed he should’ve bought ginger tea to help settle his churning stomach, though it probably wouldn’t have helped. The doomed aristocrat's routine—Antero preferred not to think of him by name—saw him eat his lunch in the same spot in the same cafe on the same day of every week.

I like your first sentence a lot! There's a victim, a bad guy (I can only assume) and he doesn't seem to feel to confident. As for the second sentence, I would just leave it at '...his churning stomach'. The second part of the sentence may show that it wouldn't have helped, but what does that add to the story? If it turns out to be a story about ginger tea and their healing powers, by all means keep it in. If it's to show Antero's feelings towards his victim and his deed: I would suggest you to leave it out. Your third sentence I like as well, but it feels a bit long. The 'same spot, same cafe, same day, every week' part could be said in another sentence, I feel. For example: Antero preferred not to think of the doomed aristocrat by name. He saw him eat his lunch in the same spot in the same cafe on the same day of every week.

Hope it helps!

---

Here's the first 3 sentences of another one of mine:

If I had known those were the last nights in which I would feel safe, I would have enjoyed them more. For as long as I could remember, I had loved sleeping with Daddy. His strong arms functioned as the perfect support I needed, and the soft layer around his chest was my ideal pillow.

dpaterso · Jul 13, 2019

mafiaking1936 said:
Antero sat at a corner table of the cafe, watching his victim from a distance and pretending to drink coffee. In retrospect he supposed he should’ve bought ginger tea to help settle his churning stomach, though it probably wouldn’t have helped. The doomed aristocrat's routine—Antero preferred not to think of him by name—saw him eat his lunch in the same spot in the same cafe on the same day of every week.

An assassin with an upset stomach, verry eenteresting.

I'd read on. Antero is watching his intended victim -- the aristo isn't a victim yet.

PiaSophia said:
If I had known those were the last nights in which I would feel safe, I would have enjoyed them more. For as long as I could remember, I had loved sleeping with Daddy. His strong arms functioned as the perfect support I needed, and the soft layer around his chest was my ideal pillow.

Reads smoothly enough, curiosity is tickled, what's coming next to threaten MC's safety? I'd read on.

-Derek

-Riv- · Jul 13, 2019

mafiaking1936 said:
Here's the beginning of a 6K word story I just finished:

Antero sat at a corner table of the cafe, watching his victim from a distance and pretending to drink coffee. In retrospect he supposed he should’ve bought ginger tea to help settle his churning stomach, though it probably wouldn’t have helped. The doomed aristocrat's routine—Antero preferred not to think of him by name—saw him eat his lunch in the same spot in the same cafe on the same day of every week.

First sentence has me hooked. IMO, the second clause in the second sentence weakens the sentence. Consider a period after "stomach." Although I like the content of the third sentence, it seems overly complex in structure and could be streamlined for clarity an impact.

tl;dr I would read on. :greenie

All the best,
Riv

-Riv- · Jul 13, 2019

PiaSophia said:
If I had known those were the last nights in which I would feel safe, I would have enjoyed them more. For as long as I could remember, I had loved sleeping with Daddy. His strong arms functioned as the perfect support I needed, and the soft layer around his chest was my ideal pillow.

Works for me! I would read on.

All the best,
Riv

PiaSophia · Jul 13, 2019

Thanks, guys!

mafiaking1936 · Jul 14, 2019

Thanks everyone, for your feedback!

Will Collins · Jul 16, 2019

Thanks Rufio, Derek, Don and Pia. Yes, I think I might change the first line to be the sister's name instead.

Paul Lamb · Aug 24, 2019

Here's the start of something I've been working on:

Kelly Shepherd did not belong in a forest. He knew it, and he was pretty sure the forest knew it too. He came from lanes and alleys, streets and avenues.

dpaterso · Aug 25, 2019

Paul Lamb said:
Kelly Shepherd did not belong in a forest. He knew it, and he was pretty sure the forest knew it too. He came from lanes and alleys, streets and avenues.

Reads smoothly enough, no reason for me not to read on, though the story could be anything and could go anywhere. I guess I'm curious as to what he's doing here, if got here of his own free will.

-Derek

CJEvermore · Nov 21, 2019

Emily shielded her eyes away from the spiteful sunlight, cursing herself for forgetting her sunglasses. Hot golden light rained down on her as she marched through a throng of people who were clearly enjoying the weather more than her. Their smiles and laughter were just as annoying, perhaps more annoying than the sticky, optimistic heat.

Lakey · Nov 21, 2019

CJEvermore said:
Emily shielded her eyes away from the spiteful sunlight, cursing herself for forgetting her sunglasses. Hot golden light rained down on her as she marched through a throng of people who were clearly enjoying the weather more than her. Their smiles and laughter were just as annoying, perhaps more annoying than the sticky, optimistic heat.

I like the sense of characterization in perceptions like “spiteful sunlight” and “optimistic heat.” I’m curious to know what has Emily in such a foul mood!

But it feels wordy, too heavy, like you can express the same ideas more economically. If the whole story reads this way, it might turn into a bit of a slog. Look at slightly awkward, bottom-heavy phrases like “as she marched through a throng of people who were clearly enjoying the weather more than her”, redundancies like “just as annoying, perhaps more annoying,” and two-adjective combos like “hot golden” and “sticky optimistic” and see if you can trim it down.

:e2coffee:

Elle. · Nov 21, 2019

My feedback is — what Lakey said.

[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Balkan writer of feminist horror stories

Balkan writer of feminist horror stories

Planning to retire for the 5th time

The much appreciated

The much appreciated

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

Nihil debetur. Nihil debens.

Balkan writer of feminist horror stories

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

The much appreciated

The much appreciated

Balkan writer of feminist horror stories

Nihil debetur. Nihil debens.

Will Collins

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

professional dilettante