[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

REVISED BELOW IN POST #1593: Tentative Title: SLINGSHOT; Genre: Urban Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 5,000 words.

First three lines below.

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Joon Ki softened his gaze so that his classmates would not notice the way he glared at Timur. All quarter he’d wondered how he could break up Timur and Ice without getting killed. Timur’s incredible strength and speed, his ability to fly and generate lasers in his eyes, made Joon Ki’s ability to manipulate words seem insignificant in comparison.

My story is titled "Wait for me." Here's the sentences:

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The blizzard wails overhead the Tierra Remota ranch like a screaming baby. This winter has been the worst one in 20 years, and the blizzard covers a cowl of darkness over the northern Nevada Rockies. The wind shrieks like a banshee as it blows and scatters snowflakes across my 2,200 acres of property.

If anyone liked/disliked it, lemme have your critique

Edit: Sorry all for putting in the fourth sentence. I miscounted when I copy and pasted.

Dom Perkins said:

My story is titled "Wait for me." Here's the sentences:

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The blizzard wails overhead the Tierra Remota ranch like a screaming baby. This winter has been the worst one in 20 years, and the blizzard covers a cowl of darkness over the northern Nevada Rockies. The wind shrieks like a banshee as it blows and scatters snowflakes across my 2,200 acres of property.

If anyone liked/disliked it, lemme have your critique

Click to expand...

You can probably lose the first and third sentence and start with the second, which is the strongest of the three.

Dom Perkins said:

My story is titled "Wait for me." Here's the sentences:

------
The blizzard wails overhead the Tierra Remota ranch like a screaming baby. This winter has been the worst one in 20 years, and the blizzard covers a cowl of darkness over the northern Nevada Rockies. The wind shrieks like a banshee as it blows and scatters snowflakes across my 2,200 acres of property. My ranch mansion, built between nooks of desert mountains, is encased by six and a half feet of snow.

If anyone liked/disliked it, lemme have your critique

Click to expand...

Hi Dom,

I will ignore the 4th sentence as the rule is only to post and comment on the first 3 sentences. The writing is fine however my main issues for me with this opening are 1) opening with the weather tends to be a cliché and normally something to be avoided 2) you have 3 sentences and all 3 are about the weather which comes as repetitive and redundant. This opening feels like you are clearing your throat before starting with the actual story. I suspect that the real opening happens later on.

On a side note the screaming baby image doesn't work for me. A blizzard is something powerful and intimidating so the comparison to a screaming baby is underwhelming (personal opinion).

I hope this helps.

Dom Perkins said:

My story is titled "Wait for me." Here's the sentences:

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The blizzard wails overhead the Tierra Remota ranch like a screaming baby {a) how about tiger instead of baby; b) this is weather over a place}. This winter has been the worst one in 20 years, and the blizzard covers a cowl of darkness over the northern Nevada Rockies {also weather over a place}. The wind shrieks like a banshee as it blows and scatters snowflakes across my 2,200 acres of property {also weather over a place}. My ranch mansion, built between nooks of desert mountains, is encased by in six and a half feet of snow. {also weather over a place}

If anyone liked/disliked it, lemme have your critique

Click to expand...

You seemed to have edited after Denevius' comment. This makes reading the thread confusing.

All of your opening lines are about weather and places. Where is the story?

If you must start with weather, start with the 4th line (cuz it's the most immediate), but preferably modify it so that the protagonist is doing something that reveals the weather. Eg "I look out of my storm door, and my house is encased in six and a half feet of snow." The rest--Nevada Rockies, Tierra Remota ranch, 2,200 acres--can come in later. Characters are the heart and core of stories, not how big the ranch is.

Dom Perkins said:

My story is titled "Wait for me." Here's the sentences:

------
The blizzard wails overhead the Tierra Remota ranch like a screaming baby. This winter has been the worst one in 20 years, and the blizzard covers a cowl of darkness over the northern Nevada Rockies. The wind shrieks like a banshee as it blows and scatters snowflakes across my 2,200 acres of property. My ranch mansion, built between nooks of desert mountains, is encased by six and a half feet of snow.



If anyone liked/disliked it, lemme have your critique

Click to expand...

I agree with the redundant weather report outlook. Pick a metaphore ... screaming baby or banshee but not both ... or better ... find your own description (the wind is/was ear-splitting). Does it matter if it is the worst in twenty years or is there a better way to describe the severity? Is it important how many acres of property the voice owns? Use those first three sentences to crack the door open, not describe a scene and its aspects in detail. I think this might be a show, don't tell issue though I've never been able to pin a definition of that down.

I'm not great at openings either but this one does not draw me into a story. Even going onto the fouth sentence doesn't add anything, By the way, the mansion would be encased in, not encased by.

This is an interesting exercise. Here's one of my efforts.


“What am I supposed to do? If it’s true, it happened over a hundred years ago.”

The face in the mirror stared as if it expected him to know the answer.

PorterStarrByrd said:

“What am I supposed to do? If it’s true, it happened over a hundred years ago.”

The face in the mirror stared as if it expected him to know the answer.

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Two and a half problems:
a) You started with an unattributed dialogue opening--something very hard to pull off (and hated by many agents/editors, unless it is a bombshell*).

b) It has a tendency of delving into backstory with the introduction of "...a hundred years ago."

c) <the half> With "the face in the mirror," you could be following with a description of the narrator as seen in the mirror--a cliche.

As is, I am not drawn into the opening.

Hope this helps.


* an example of an unattributed dialogue opening that may work: "With all due respect, Mr. President, shut the f*** up and listen!" -- here we know who the speech is directed to, an idea of the relevancy of the speaker, and serious tension. -- if you must use this way to open your story, aim for these elements.

PorterStarrByrd said:

This is an interesting exercise. Here's one of my efforts.


“What am I supposed to do? If it’s true, it happened over a hundred years ago.”

The face in the mirror stared as if it expected him to know the answer.

Click to expand...

I think this would be a hard sell for me. The dialog feels a bit forced, and the single line of exposition doesn’t clarify anything.

Maybe a better start is a few sentences down?

Thanks everyone for the feedback on my story. It's still a work in progress, so I'll continue working on it. Also, sorry for the fourth sentence, I miscounted when I copy and pasted.

Anyhow, here's another short story titled, "Out in the Desert." This one I finished, but need feedback for my revision. Here's the first three sentences:

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Out in the desert, where foothills and sagebrush stretched from horizon to horizon - from one wall of mountains to another - my heart froze cold.
“Where are we going?” She asked.
“On a date,” I said. “There’s a diner somewhere down the interstate.”

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I included each line of dialogue as a sentence, since I don't know if the dialogue tag is considered a stand-alone sentence or not. Let me know what y'all think

Dom Perkins said:

Thanks everyone for the feedback on my story. It's still a work in progress, so I'll continue working on it. Also, sorry for the fourth sentence, I miscounted when I copy and pasted.

Anyhow, here's another short story titled, "Out in the Desert." This one I finished, but need feedback for my revision. Here's the first three sentences:

---------
Out in the desert, where foothills and sagebrush stretched from horizon to horizon - from one wall of mountains to another - my heart froze cold.
“Where are we going?” She asked.

---------
I included each line of dialogue as a sentence, since I don't know if the dialogue tag is considered a stand-alone sentence or not. Let me know what y'all think

Click to expand...

Like the other opening, I think the story probably starts a couple of sentences after this.

I suggest you omit or place these lines later in the narrative and start a little lower on the page.

Dom Perkins said:

Thanks everyone for the feedback on my story. It's still a work in progress, so I'll continue working on it. Also, sorry for the fourth sentence, I miscounted when I copy and pasted.

Anyhow, here's another short story titled, "Out in the Desert." This one I finished, but need feedback for my revision. Here's the first three sentences:

---------
Out in the desert, where foothills and sagebrush stretched from horizon to horizon - from one wall of mountains to another - my heart froze cold.
“Where are we going?” Sshe asked.
“On a date,” I said. “There’s a diner somewhere down the interstate.” (only 3 sentences)

---------
I included each line of dialogue as a sentence, since I don't know if the dialogue tag is considered a stand-alone sentence or not. Let me know what y'all think

Click to expand...

The freezing heart doesn't work for me as it makes no sense why his heart would freeze because she asked where they are going. Because that image is not working it comes across as if you are trying too hard to make that first sentence memorable.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for the responses. As I said, I have trouble with openings. That the back-story is a large component of the ongoing story it might work to introduce it here. I specifically asked my editir if the mirror was a cliche problem and he said the in the context it was not a problem. I hope I don't lose readers in three sentences.

REVISION: Tentative Title: Slingshot; Genre: Urban Fantasy; Estimated Word Count: 10,000 words.

First three lines below.

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Hot air hummed down from the ceiling heaters battling the winter temperatures blanketing Seoul. The professor handed out assignment sheets to the students seated in groups of four at the classroom tables. Joon Ki wrote his name in the blank below the hagwon’s motto: Molding Champions to be Heroes.

just a thought ... never seen ceiling heaters as heat rises but maybe they are used elsewhere. Wonder if an undersized wood stove might work better. (I know nothing about how things are done in Korea)

Probably like a lot of mine, nothing catches my attention in these three sentences that begins to hook me ... but I'd never stop at three sentences so you still have time to draw me in. As it is I'm observing nothing unusual.

I'd rather see the name of the professor rather the "The professor", especially if he in a character of interest.

I'd probably combine the second two sentences and make the third focused on the motto or Joon Ki.

When Professor Han distributed assignment to his students who sat in groups of four Joon Ki wrote his name on the sheet, right below the hagwon's motto: Molding champions to be heroes.

Might the next sentence hint or describe why Joon Ki is a champion?

better chance I sniff the hook a little more.

Denevius said:

Hot air hummed down from the ceiling heaters battling the winter temperatures blanketing Seoul. {suggest to take out the underlined part--with heaters, the winter & temperature is understood. 'Seoul' makes the narrative distant and I suggest to move it elsewhere} The professor handed out assignment sheets to the students seated in groups of four at the classroom tables. Joon Ki wrote his name in the blank below the hagwon’s motto: Molding Champions to be Heroes.

Click to expand...

I would take out the second sentence. Either start with the heaters and promptly switch to Joon, or even start with Joon and later have him feel the excessive heat and start to strip ^_^.

PorterStarrByrd said:

just a thought ... never seen ceiling heaters as heat rises but maybe they are used elsewhere. Wonder if an undersized wood stove might work better. (I know nothing about how things are done in Korea)

Click to expand...

The Costco outlet here in New Jersey have big ceiling heaters installed over the cashier lines. But they use radiation instead of fans. They are HOT when you stand right underneath them.

Bing Z said:

The Costco outlet here in New Jersey have big ceiling heaters installed over the cashier lines. But they use radiation instead of fans. They are HOT when you stand right underneath them.

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Yeah, I guess I could see it in a building that large where mechandinse space below is primary importance ... I'm Guessing that they also use fans to mix the air. we had overhead vents in berthing spaces when I was shipboard in the nay where they stuffed as many of us as they could in a space. I guess overhead makes sense where usage of floorspace demands it, but a class room wouldn't seem to have such a requirement. Never the less if that is common in Korea the author is right.

Here's the first three lines of a bit of work I did last year:

The first time I can remember taking a closed fist to the face, I was six years old. It’s one of those memories that will leave a mark. Also, it leaves a mark on your face but that’s just temporary.