Quote Originally Posted by Lakey View Post
Hello Fancy -- welcome to AW. Looking forward to having you around.

Your first sentences are intriguing -- I want to know why Jenny is naked, what's burning her eyes, and what it is she wants to get over with! But I do have some issues with the writing.

George Orwell's famous advice for writers includes: Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print. "Naked as a jaybird" is a hackneyed old figure of speech -- your first sentence needs to be more arresting than a tired old expression that doesn't even really mean anything (how is "Jenny stands naked as a jaybird" different from "Jenny stands naked"?).

Is "It's burns behind her eyes" what you mean to say? It isn't grammatical and I can't figure out what it means. If it means "It burns behind her eyes" then I really think you need to tell your readers something about what "it" is -- otherwise it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. "until ... the hot goes away" is also not strictly grammatical but with that one I can at least get the jist of what you mean, and can even imagine that "the hot" might be a deliberate variation on "the heat". Following "It's burns behind her eyes," though, I can't tell what's language play and what's just error.

Still, notwithstanding some mechanical issues, you've created an intriguing situation and you're starting right in the middle of it, which is great.

Thank you for taking the time to critique. I appreciate it. Jenny is 11, so I am attempting to explain things as an 11 year old might. Very good feedback. Thanks again.