[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

dpaterso · Jul 21, 2018

aspirit said:
Dumping earth on a body isn’t enough to bury the death. The people of Shades Hollow know this, which is why they burn everyone who doesn’t want to turn vympir.
They bury the rest under two feet of earth.

Tickled me a little but it's a distant narrator telling and not personal yet, I've no idea what the story will be about or who the MC is. So it hasn't quite hooked me, despite my liking towns that take such precautions. Who knows, the next couple of sentences could grab me.

I kinda wanted that first sentence to be something like, "Dumping earth on a body isn't enough to ensure the dead stay buried." And the 3rd sentence to be, "They bury the remains deep in the earth." I mean, why two feet? Seems kinda shallow. And the logic of the 2nd sentence is that they don't burn people who DO want to turn vympir, as if it's an option they're okay with. Just passing thoughts.

MichaelC said:
An elderly woman sipped bubble tea from a plain, white foam cup. A smile ran across her face as the tea moved over her lips and into her belly, warming the soul. The white mattress of her stretcher was firm and uncomfortable, and the chiming of alarm monitors caused a constant annoyance, but the look on the woman's face revealed that her tea made all of the annoyances of the Emergency Department fade out of existence.

This reads smoothly enough, although again it's an unknown narrator delivering this info, it could be about anything/anyone, it could go anywhere, so I'm not hooked yet.

-Derek

ajaye · Jul 22, 2018

aspirit said:
Dumping earth on a body isn’t enough to bury the death. The people of Shades Hollow know this, which is why they burn everyone who doesn’t want to turn vympir.
They bury the rest under two feet of earth.

Love the first line. The next two make me wonder why in hell anyone would allow bodies to turn vympir. So I'd read on to find out.

MichaelC said:
An elderly woman sipped bubble tea from a plain, white foam cup. A smile ran across her face as the tea moved over her lips and into her belly, warming the soul. The white mattress of her stretcher was firm and uncomfortable, and the chiming of alarm monitors caused a constant annoyance, but the look on the woman's face revealed that her tea made all of the annoyances of the Emergency Department fade out of existence.

I found this a bit drawn out, and think you could get the idea across in one or two sentences and then move on. (Also, I'm not sure if it's possible to smile while drinking?)

shadowsminder · Jul 22, 2018

MichaelC said:
An elderly woman sipped bubble tea from a plain, white foam cup. A smile ran across her face as the tea moved over her lips and into her belly, warming the soul. The white mattress of her stretcher was firm and uncomfortable, and the chiming of alarm monitors caused a constant annoyance, but the look on the woman's face revealed that her tea made all of the annoyances of the Emergency Department fade out of existence.

Hi, MichaelC,

This opening isn't working for me. The POV is somewhat disorienting, and I'm already confused about the setting. Is this in her house? A hospital? I have too many questions about the details. Where did she get the bubble tea? Is that why the cup doesn't matter? Why isn't the MC named? Is she not the MC? I'm not sure where's the focus.

I think it could go deeper into her POV. Example: "Rose ignored the chimes of her blood oxygen monitor to focus on the sweet flavor of peach in her bubble milk tea. One tapioca pearl popped up from the straw..." (Obviously, this would be in your style with details that match your vision, not mine.)

To start farther from the outside instead, maybe drop the sensory parts.

shadowsminder · Jul 22, 2018

Tristann said:
This is an interesting start that instantly sets up a twist on what the reader might expect from a vampire story, suggesting that becoming one might be an open choice in Shades Hollow. I'm not sure about the first sentence though, as with the wording how it is you have 'dumping earth' once and 'bury' twice in quite a small space.

Hey, Tris! So, it hooks, and a main premises is apparent. I want "bury" to stick as one of the two options while I introduce the character. The other option isn't mentioned until she brings up the primary conflict. What I don't want is to annoy the reader. Is that repetition off-putting, or does it simply stand out?

ajaye said:
Love the first line. The next two make me wonder why in hell anyone would allow bodies to turn vympir. So I'd read on to find out.

Yay!

Denevius · Jul 22, 2018

aspirit said:
Hi, everyone. My first three for a dark fantasy are at the bottom of this post.

Nicely descriptive. These lines set the scene, a conflict, and show characterization. I feel as if the inciting incident is close.

Nitpicks: The comma splice (moment, then) bothers me in an opening line, but I understand most readers would accept it. I agree with the others about "footless".

--------

Dumping earth on a body isn’t enough to bury the death. The people of Shades Hollow know this, which is why they burn everyone who doesn’t want to turn vympir.
They bury the rest under two feet of earth.

These three lines are interesting, but I think they would be more engaging if we were shown this instead of told it.

Denevius · Jul 22, 2018

MichaelC said:
An elderly woman sipped bubble tea from a plain, white foam cup. A smile ran across her face as the tea moved over her lips and into her belly, warming the soul. The white mattress of her stretcher was firm and uncomfortable, and the chiming of alarm monitors caused a constant annoyance, but the look on the woman's face revealed that her tea made all of the annoyances of the Emergency Department fade out of existence.

The first two sentences are static and might not draw in many readers. The last sentence is way too long and should be cut down into two or three.

shadowsminder · Jul 22, 2018

Denevius said:
These three lines are interesting, but I think they would be more engaging if we were shown this instead of told it.

Hi, Denevius. The POV character avoids the town's burials. I might need to be grateful the set up is interesting.
Thanks for responding!

Tristann · Jul 23, 2018

Hey aspirit,

aspirit said:
Hey, Tris! So, it hooks, and a main premises is apparent. I want "bury" to stick as one of the two options while I introduce the character. The other option isn't mentioned until she brings up the primary conflict. What I don't want is to annoy the reader. Is that repetition off-putting, or does it simply stand out?

It's a really strong concept, so I think it will stick well on its own even if you don't repeat. Using Derek's suggestion:

dpaterso said:
"Dumping earth on a body isn't enough to ensure the dead stay buried."

you could easily drop the third sentence, letting you move on to the action even faster:

The people of Shades Hollow know that dumping earth on a body isn't enough to ensure the dead stay buried. That's why they burn everyone who doesn't want to turn vampyr.

Tris

MichaelC · Jul 23, 2018

aspirit said:
Hi, MichaelC,

This opening isn't working for me. The POV is somewhat disorienting, and I'm already confused about the setting. Is this in her house? A hospital? I have too many questions about the details. Where did she get the bubble tea? Is that why the cup doesn't matter? Why isn't the MC named? Is she not the MC? I'm not sure where's the focus.

I think it could go deeper into her POV. Example: "Rose ignored the chimes of her blood oxygen monitor to focus on the sweet flavor of peach in her bubble milk tea. One tapioca pearl popped up from the straw..." (Obviously, this would be in your style with details that match your vision, not mine.)

To start farther from the outside instead, maybe drop the sensory parts.

Thanks. I was going for scene-setting rather than introduction. But based on your review and need to jump into a short story I might revise. She's not the main character, but scene used to introduce the main character.

CJMatthewson · Jul 25, 2018

MichaelC said:
An elderly woman sipped bubble tea from a plain, white foam cup. A smile ran across her face as the tea moved over her lips and into her belly, warming the soul. The white mattress of her stretcher was firm and uncomfortable, and the chiming of alarm monitors caused a constant annoyance, but the look on the woman's face revealed that her tea made all of the annoyances of the Emergency Department fade out of existence.

I like that the first sentence is so succinct yet so informative - we can get a lot out of very few words. It's a shame that the third sentence drags, knowing how much you fit into the first.

-----------

Here's my three then:

I take stock of my appearance in the grimy toilet mirror. My dark blonde hair is tousled, uneven, the result of a night without a shower and a complete inability to find my gel this morning. My glasses are askew, but the slight magnification they give my eyes just make me look even more tired.

dpaterso · Jul 25, 2018

ConnorTheAuthor said:
I take stock of my appearance in the grimy toilet mirror. My dark blonde hair is tousled, uneven, the result of a night without a shower and a complete inability to find my gel this morning. My glasses are askew, but the slight magnification they give my eyes just make me look even more tired.

Many might say that opening with a character describing their reflection in a mirror is overdone (i.e. happens too often) to the point of cliche. I'm not against it, when it delivers something important. I'm not sure that's the case here. I'm okay with the writing sample, it reads smoothly enough, but I'm not hooked yet. I'd read on regardless -- maybe she'll do something amazing in the next couple of sentences.

-Derek

Denevius · Jul 25, 2018

ConnorTheAuthor said:
I like that the first sentence is so succinct yet so informative - we can get a lot out of very few words. It's a shame that the third sentence drags, knowing how much you fit into the first.

-----------

Here's my three then:

I take stock of my appearance in the grimy toilet mirror. My dark blonde hair is tousled, uneven, the result of a night without a shower and a complete inability to find my gel this morning. My glasses are askew, but the slight magnification they give my eyes just make me look even more tired.

This might be more engaging if it started closer to some type of action that will take the character on the plot of the story. As of now, the description isn’t exactly engaging me to read further.

shadowsminder · Jul 26, 2018

Hi, Connor,

ConnorTheAuthor said:
I take stock of my appearance in the grimy toilet mirror. My dark blonde hair is tousled, uneven, the result of a night without a shower and a complete inability to find my gel this morning. My glasses are askew, but the slight magnification they give my eyes just make me look even more tired.

These lines contain some setting description, characterization, and a minor conflict, but none of it is unusual. For me, there's no hook. I feel as if we came into a later part of the story, when I should already care about the character.

Please keep in mind, I'm used to reading SFF. Maybe in a contemporary short story, these first three lines could hold up long enough to introducing a catching story conflict.

Denevius · Jul 26, 2018

REVISED BELOW IN POST #1496: Title: HOLLOW MEN; Genre: Fantasy; Word Count: 29,000 words.

First three sentences below.

***

Every year, the heroes got younger. Kang Jeong Seok’s shadow fell over his son in the open courtyard. The boy wasn’t ready, but it didn’t matter.

The Second Moon · Jul 27, 2018

Here's the first three sentences of my YA SF WIP

Fifteen-year-old Jacko Adders grabbed the river boat’s hot railing as he tried not to stare at the awful city he had lived in since he was orphaned as an infant. The city, silhouetted against the blood red sky, was cocooned by a glass dome that glinted in the the dying sun’s light. Floating above the shielded city were smoggy bronze clouds the same color as the river.

***

Every year, the heroes got younger. Kang Jeong Seok’s shadow fell over his son in the open courtyard. The boy wasn’t ready, but it didn’t matter

It took me a re-read to understand what you were trying to say, but I get it now. Kang Jeong Seok has died... I think... or am I being to poetic? Anyways I would like to read on to see why the boy being in Kang's shadow doesn't matter.

P.S. I don't have 50 posts but I hope this is alright.

shadowsminder · Jul 27, 2018

Denevius said:
Every year, the heroes got younger. Kang Jeong Seok’s shadow fell over his son in the open courtyard. The boy wasn’t ready, but it didn’t matter.

Ooh, creepy. What will happen to this son?

I have only a nitpick. I'd move the opening clause to the end of the sentence to start with "The heroes".

shadowsminder · Jul 27, 2018

Hi! I think the 50-post requirement is for the Share Your Work area only.

The Second Moon said:
Fifteen-year-old Jacko Adders grabbed the river boat’s hot railing as he tried not to stare at the awful city he had lived in since he was orphaned as an infant.

That first sentence feels like an info-dump. Can you break apart the details? My suggestion is to move Jacko's age to much later. You might want to add in a phrase to explain why the railing is hot. I also suggest showing first where he is looking before going into where he's not staring. There's room for more emotion within this first line.

The city, silhouetted against the blood red sky, was cocooned* by a glass dome that glinted in the the** dying sun’s light. Floating above the shielded city were smoggy bronze clouds the same color as the river.

These lines present a speculative element, which is great in the opening of a fantasy, but within imagery that's unfocused. What's the most primary meaning in each sentence? For example, the following lines focus on different elements.

The glass dome covering the city glinted in the blood-red sunset. -vs- The city was a dark silhouette under the blood-red sunset.

*The image of "cocoon" is of glass encircling the city, more like a globe than a bowl. I'm not sure that's accurate.
**That happens to me often.

DrDLN · Jul 28, 2018

She lost the game. But not the war. That gave her the strength..

Denevius · Jul 29, 2018

The Second Moon said:
Here's the first three sentences of my YA SF WIP

Fifteen-year-old Jacko Adders grabbed the river boat’s hot railing as he tried not to stare at the awful city he had lived in since he was orphaned as an infant. The city, silhouetted against the blood red sky, was cocooned by a glass dome that glinted in the the dying sun’s light. Floating above the shielded city were smoggy bronze clouds the same color as the river.

You go passive in the last two sentences, which hurts the rhythm of this opening. You can also cut down on a description in each sentence for a clearer read.

For Ex: ‘Fifteen-year-old Jacko Adders grabbed the river boat’s railing as he tried not to stare at the city he had lived in since he was orphaned. A glass dome that glinted in the dying light cacooned the city silhouetted against the blood red sky. Smoggy bronze clouds the same color as the river floated above the shielded city.’

Something like that, but with some added revisions to smooth it over more, since ‘city’ is repeated three times in the opening.

Denevius · Jul 29, 2018

DrDLN said:
She lost the game. But not the war. That gave her the strength..

I’m not sure if this is meant to be critiqued. If so, you can combine the dependent and independent clause into one sentence instead of two.

Denevius · Jul 29, 2018

REVISION: Title: HOLLOW MEN; Genre: Fantasy; Word Count: 29,000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Every year, the heroes got younger.

The pale sun hovered above Jeju Island. The eternal breeze swept humid air across the stout hills in a high-pitched, keening wail.

shadowsminder · Jul 30, 2018

(More than three lines.)

I liked the first version better. The setting description in this revision immediately interrupts the minor conflict introduced in the first line of "Every year, the heroes got younger."

shadowsminder · Jul 30, 2018

DrDLN said:
She lost the game. But not the war. That gave her the strength..

Are these the first three sentences of your work? If so, will you tell us what you want from your opening?

Elle. · Aug 13, 2018

New short story I have been working on.

---------------------------------------------

She perched herself on a barstool, relieved not to have to stand on those ridiculous heels any longer than she needed to.

“Ok then, I’ll have sex with the next guy that comes in.” The thought was easy enough, the execution trickier, especially when the next guy to enter filled all the negative space in the doorway with rolls of fat — Jabba the Hutt, minus the greenish complexion.

jhbertel · Aug 13, 2018

Elle. said:
New short story I have been working on.

---------------------------------------------

She perched herself on a barstool, relieved not to have to stand on those ridiculous heels any longer than she needed to.

“Ok then, I’ll have sex with the next guy that comes in.” The thought was easy enough, the execution trickier, especially when the next guy to enter filled all the negative space in the doorway with rolls of fat — Jabba the Hutt, minus the greenish complexion.

Not sure, I'm in the target group... but most of all I think you should have at least a moment of suspense about what kind of man will enter after her thought. It could be as short as moving the first sentence down so it came after her decision. Her thought would probably also make for better first line. Or the suspense could be longer... if she can look out of the bar and see this sexy guy approcaching but then he steps away to let another enter before him. Just a thought but at least a moment of suspense would be nice.

It seems a bit wordy. "Jabba the Hut, minus the greenish complexion." tells us enough, for now, you don't have to give the description IMO. "Than she needed to" also dosn't add much - if she thinks her heels are ridiculuous we get the picture.

[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

ajaye

partial to a gum tree

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

Denevius

Denevius

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

Tristann

Purportedly hobbitish.

MichaelC

CJMatthewson

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

Denevius

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

Denevius

The Second Moon

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

DrDLN

Denevius

Denevius

Denevius

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

shadowsminder

writing in the shadows

Elle.

jhbertel