[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Denevius

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New short story I have been working on.


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She perched herself on a barstool, relieved not to have to stand on those ridiculous heels any longer than she needed to.

“Ok then, I’ll have sex with the next guy that comes in.” The thought was easy enough, the execution trickier, especially when the next guy to enter filled all the negative space in the doorway with rolls of fat — Jabba the Hutt, minus the greenish complexion.

Nothing particularly wrong with the writing. I think it works for what you’re going for.
 

DanielSTJ

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New short story I have been working on.


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She perched herself on a barstool, relieved not to have to stand on those ridiculous heels any longer than she needed to.

“Ok then, I’ll have sex with the next guy that comes in.” The thought was easy enough, the execution trickier, especially when the next guy to enter filled all the negative space in the doorway with rolls of fat — Jabba the Hutt, minus the greenish complexion.

Humorous and to-the-point. I'd read on.
 

Elle.

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Not sure, I'm in the target group... but most of all I think you should have at least a moment of suspense about what kind of man will enter after her thought. It could be as short as moving the first sentence down so it came after her decision. Her thought would probably also make for better first line. Or the suspense could be longer... if she can look out of the bar and see this sexy guy approcaching but then he steps away to let another enter before him. Just a thought but at least a moment of suspense would be nice.

It seems a bit wordy. "Jabba the Hut, minus the greenish complexion." tells us enough, for now, you don't have to give the description IMO. "Than she needed to" also dosn't add much - if she thinks her heels are ridiculuous we get the picture.

Thanks jhbertel, the story is a modern take on Little Red Riding Hood tale. Yes, I agree with your suggestion, I have been toying with the idea about swapping the opening first 2 sentences so I'm still debating about that.

Nothing particularly wrong with the writing. I think it works for what you’re going for.

Thanks Denevius.

Humorous and to-the-point. I'd read on.

Thanks DanielSTJ.
 

Vida Paradox

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Hi! Can I try? This is a short story I made years ago, but I'm still very proud of it. This story messes with narratives and perspectives, but not until the beginning of third paragraph.

I stood there, watching them with a little smile on my face. Their expressions full of rage and disbelief, dozens of random faces looking at me in deep hurt and betrayal. It feels me with so much amusement; I would’ve chuckled if it's not for the fact that I am currently bound and gagged with thick enchanted rope.

Three sentences right?
 

Vida Paradox

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She perched herself on a barstool, relieved not to have to stand on those ridiculous heels any longer than she needed to.

“Ok then, I’ll have sex with the next guy that comes in.” The thought was easy enough, the execution trickier, especially when the next guy to enter filled all the negative space in the doorway with rolls of fat — Jabba the Hutt, minus the greenish complexion.

Not a fan of YA or anything similar to this genre, but! It's definitely a good starting point. The first sentence is pretty good for the scene buildup, Second sentence is basically a plot twist, and the Third sentence is a nice follow up.

Edit: There's something about the Pacing. Try to add another sentence or character thought before the big plot reveal. The Third Sentence is a bit too obvious in my opinion.
 
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Denevius

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Hi! Can I try? This is a short story I made years ago, but I'm still very proud of it. This story messes with narratives and perspectives, but not until the beginning of third paragraph.

I stood there, watching them with a little smile on my face. Their expressions full of rage and disbelief, dozens of random faces looking at me in deep hurt and betrayal. It feels me with so much amusement; I would’ve chuckled if it's not for the fact that I am currently bound and gagged with thick enchanted rope.

Three sentences right?

The last line is too long and would read better as two sentences.

There’s a bit too many words in this opening. Simplifying the prose would make for a smoother read.
 

mrsmig

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Hi! Can I try? This is a short story I made years ago, but I'm still very proud of it. This story messes with narratives and perspectives, but not until the beginning of third paragraph.

I stood there, watching them with a little smile on my face. Their expressions full of rage and disbelief, dozens of random faces looking at me in deep hurt and betrayal. It feels fills? me with so much amusement; I would’ve chuckled if it's not for the fact that I am currently bound and gagged with thick enchanted rope.

Three sentences right?

A couple of errors (corrected in red) and the fact that you start in past tense, then finish in present tense, made this a tough read. I also found myself wondering how someone who's gagged with thick enchanted rope could smile even a little bit.

With so many errors and oddities in just the first three sentences, I'd be put off reading further.
 

ajaye

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Hi! Can I try? This is a short story I made years ago, but I'm still very proud of it. This story messes with narratives and perspectives, but not until the beginning of third paragraph.

I stood there, watching them with a little smile on my face. Their expressions full of rage and disbelief, dozens of random faces looking at me in deep hurt and betrayal. It feels me with so much amusement; I would’ve chuckled if it's not for the fact that I am currently bound and gagged with thick enchanted rope.

Three sentences right?

I found myself wondering whether you can be gagged with a rope. But I get a good feel for the feisty mc, and for this reason I would read on a bit.

(also, I agree with mrsmigs' suggestions & note on tense)
 
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Vida Paradox

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Okay, so, thanks for the feedback everyone. This story is old, so I guess some pretty obvious errors might just slip past my radar.

The smilimg a little part, I think it's supposed to be a foreshadowing of the whole narrative twist? I can't really remember. I just think that this particular story is neat.
 

Denevius

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REVISED BELOW IN POST #1522: If I successfully finish and sell this novella, my plan is to turn it into a series.

Tentative Title: A GRANDFATHER’S LOVE; Genre: Urban Horror; Estimated Word Count: 30,000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kim Sey-Mi needed to reach the suspect and kill him before her superior, Song Min Gun, arrested the criminal. She crouched next to Min Gun on the side of the building, in the shadows, and watched the suspect’s apartment. If Min Gun apprehended the target first, the criminal would be tortured for years, and Sey-Mi would be forced to watch.
 
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ajaye

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Kim Sey-Mi needed to reach the suspect and kill him before her superior, Song Min Gun, arrested the criminal. She crouched next to Min Gun on the side of the building, in the shadows, and watched the suspect’s apartment. If Min Gun apprehended the target first, the criminal would be tortured for years, and Sey-Mi would be forced to watch.

I found it a little wordy and it took me a re-read to understand it all. I'm interested by the premise, though, so would read on.

'Suspect' and 'criminal' are each repeated, plus there's a 'target', all referring to the one person, in three sentences.

I'd consider:

Kim Sey-Mi needed to reach the suspect and kill him. (cut the first line to this, which I think is a killer :)) before her superior, Song Min Gun, arrested the criminal. She crouched next to Min Gun on the side of the building, in the shadows, and watched the suspect’s apartment.(move & rework this 2nd sentence action to the third and subsequent sentences) If her superior Min Gun (maybe? bring his name in when next referenced, saves cluttering with names too early) apprehended the target first,the criminal he would be tortured for years, and Sey-Mi would be forced to watch.

Just my opinion, hope something helps and good luck with it.

 
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dpaterso

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Kim Sey-Mi needed to reach the suspect and kill him before her superior, Song Min Gun, arrested the criminal. She crouched next to Min Gun on the side of the building, in the shadows, and watched the suspect’s apartment. If Min Gun apprehended the target first, the criminal would be tortured for years, and Sey-Mi would be forced to watch.
I'm interested, I'd read on. But it's not just the unfamiliar names that required me to read this twice. That first sentence drops me into the deep end of the pool without warning. Pardon my insolence, what if you swapped the lines around to intro the scenario first, e.g. (and patting some words around to suit the recast delivery):

Kim Sey-Mi crouched next to her superior in the shadows at the side of the building, and watched the suspect’s apartment. If Song Min Gun apprehended the suspect then he would be tortured for years, and Sey-Mi would be forced to watch. She needed to reach the target first and kill him before Min Gun could arrest him.

Maybe not, just a thought, good luck with the story!

-Derek
 

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As I just wrote this one, would welcome thoughts - its a queer ghost story. I suspect I may have gone a little overboard with the punctuation.

I come out from the vaulted arches of the station and am stunned, once again, by the stretching blue ahead of me. Just like the first time I arrived 15 years ago, almost blinded by the brightness of the sea and the promises of this decadent little city. Brighton, gay capital of the UK, a place people come to escape; a place to lose yourself.
 

dpaterso

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I come out from the vaulted arches of the station and am stunned, once again, by the stretching blue ahead of me. Just like the first time I arrived 15 years ago, almost blinded by the brightness of the sea and the promises of this decadent little city. Brighton, gay capital of the UK, a place people come to escape; a place to lose yourself.
Easy read and I like the descriptions, I'd have kept going if I'd found this somewhere.

"a place people come to escape" -- not sure if this is missing another "to"? e.g. "a place people come to, to escape" -- niggly thought, ignore if I'm wrong.

-Derek
 

Wil10thewisp

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The midnight air smelled of burning hair and kerosene as the cheers of the crowd drowned out the screams that came from the flaming heap in the town square. The soliloquies of what had once been a young woman had finally collapsed upon her post, her body swiftly consumed by the flames. The little girl in the stockade watched in horror along with her mother, wondering which one would be next...
 

Denevius

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As I just wrote this one, would welcome thoughts - its a queer ghost story. I suspect I may have gone a little overboard with the punctuation.

I come out from the vaulted arches of the station and am stunned, once again, by the stretching blue ahead of me. Just like the first time I arrived 15 years ago, almost blinded by the brightness of the sea and the promises of this decadent little city. Brighton, gay capital of the UK, a place people come to escape; a place to lose yourself.

I don’t think the semicolon works, but other than that, I don’t see any major issues with this opening.
 

Denevius

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The midnight air smelled of burning hair and kerosene as the cheers of the crowd drowned out the screams that came from the flaming heap in the town square. The soliloquies of what had once been a young woman had finally collapsed upon her post, her body swiftly consumed by the flames. The little girl in the stockade watched in horror along with her mother, wondering which one would be next...

This works for me. I would read a little further.
 

ajaye

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As I just wrote this one, would welcome thoughts - its a queer ghost story. I suspect I may have gone a little overboard with the punctuation.

I come out from the vaulted arches of the station and am stunned, once again, by the stretching blue ahead of me. Just like the first time I arrived 15 years ago, almost blinded by the brightness of the sea and the promises of this decadent little city. Brighton, gay capital of the UK, a place people come to escape; a place to lose yourself.

I like this. I'm not sure what sort of story to expect yet, but I'd keep reading to find out. If I'm picking nits I'd change 'come' to 'walk' (or something).

ETA oh, unless this is the ghost! Does a ghost walk? (I have a thing about 'come' and 'went' and usually try to replace.)
 
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ajaye

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The midnight air smelled of burning hair and kerosene as the cheers of the crowd drowned out the screams that came from the flaming heap in the town square. The soliloquies of what had once been a young woman had finally collapsed upon her post, her body swiftly consumed by the flames. The little girl in the stockade watched in horror along with her mother, wondering which one would be next...

The smell of burning hair is a powerful image to open with, I really like it. 'Soliloquies' seems to be the wrong word? i would stop that first sentence after 'screams', so as not to repeat the flames bit. I might play around with the structure of the third sentence so it wasn't another 'The...' - eg, 'Watching on...'
 

DarienW

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Terrific! Subject matter, instant action--all of it! I had a few thoughts hoping to strengthen it. Shake that salt!!!


The midnight air smelled of burning hair and kerosene as ( you could skip as and add a period if you want it more punchy.) the cheers of the crowd drowned out the screams that came from the flaming heap in the town square. The soliloquies of what had once been a young woman had finally collapsed (I'm not feeling soliloquies here, as it could be more direct: What had once been a young woman collapsed from her post. ) upon her post, her body swiftly consumed by the flames. The little girl in the stockade watched in horror along with her mother, wondering which one (who?) would be next...

This seems more omni than I usually write, but you could also skip wondering and do new sentence, depending on how close you want the POV.

LOVE this! So good! Congrats to you, and it doesn't hurt that I lived in Salem, no, not during the witch trials, but saturated in the stories from it!

Good work! Best of luck with your writing!

:)
 

dpaterso

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The midnight air smelled of burning hair and kerosene as the cheers of the crowd drowned out the screams that came from the flaming heap in the town square. The soliloquies of what had once been a young woman had finally collapsed upon her post, her body swiftly consumed by the flames. The little girl in the stockade watched in horror along with her mother, wondering which one would be next...
I'm not sure about soliloquies finally collapsing -- wouldn't they die out instead? presuming you mean her final cries? or am I misunderstanding? -- but this opening tries hard to pull me in, I'd certainly read on.

-Derek
 

Denevius

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REVISED ON THE NEXT PAGE IN POST #1530: Tentative Title: A GRANDFATHER’S LOVE; Genre: Urban Horror; Estimated Word Count: 30,000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kim Sey-Mi crouched on the rough brick wall and stared at the darkened window in the adjacent apartment. Somewhere behind the closed blinds, the target had a girl with him, a high school student the company had been following for years. Her bosses wanted the suspect arrested, but Sey-Mi wanted to kill him and save him from years of Gwanlyo torture.
 
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Errant_Fragments

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REVISION: Tentative Title: A GRANDFATHER’S LOVE; Genre: Urban Horror; Estimated Word Count: 30,000 words.

First three lines below.

***

Kim Sey-Mi crouched on the rough brick wall and stared at the darkened window in the adjacent apartment. Somewhere behind the closed blinds, the target had a girl with him, a high school student the company had been following for years. Her bosses wanted the suspect arrested, but Sey-Mi wanted to kill him and save him from years of Gwanlyo torture.

This seems much better than it was earlier. My take is that the last sentence has got a lot going on in it structurally - my thoughts reading it are like arrested [normal] kill him [wait is she the baddie?] save him from years of Gwanlyo torture [so she's the goodie? Are her bosses and the Gwanlyo the same? Why does she work for them if they torture people and still trying to stop them?]. Can we assume your readers will know that the Gwanlyo are a group rather than a style of torture as at the moment this isn't clear?

I'm also not entirely a fan of the 'they wanted, she wanted' it feels a bit clunky. Could I possibly suggest switching it around a little, such as either:

"If her bosses, the Gwanlyo, managed to arrest him, years of torture would follow, Sey-Mi would kill him first to prevent the suffering if she could find a way."
"Her bosses wanted the subject arrested and subjected to the Gwanlyo torture, it could take years, but Sey-Mi would kill him first if she could." (just in case I read it wrong)
"Sey-Mi would kill him if she could find a chance, save him from the torture she knew would follow arrest, even if it meant defying her bosses and putting herself in danger."

Either that or separate it out a bit further in to multiple sentences as even my suggestions still feel like its too much information to cram together in to one place...
 
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Vida Paradox

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Hi Denevius! Vida here!

First of all:

REVISION: Tentative Title: A GRANDFATHER’S LOVE; Genre: Urban Horror; Estimated Word Count: 30,000 words.

30.000 words count as short story? That was a genuine question, I am very curious. All this time I thought stories over 10.000 words count as Novella? Was I wrong or is it different in different countries? Or is Novella another term for a short story?

Now, for the review!

Kim Sey-Mi crouched on the rough brick wall and stared at the darkened window in the adjacent apartment. I can feel the atmosphere from this one. It kinda took me a while to realize that xe is crouching on top of a brick wall instead of behind a brick wall. But that could be my English failing me. (Yes, I'm not native, plot twist I know.) Somewhere behind the closed blinds, the target had a girl with him, a high school student the company had been following for years.You know, this might be out of context, and I know you've already know about this already. But I just want to remind you that the word 'years' is very, very powerful. Her bosses wanted the suspect arrested, but Sey-Mi wanted to kill him and save him from years of Gwanlyo torture. The characterization is pretty subtle. She's merciless, but kind. Level headed and is pretty good at creating decision.

Sentence, Paragraphs, I have no problem with it.

Story-wise? Well, damsel in distress is one of the oldest trope out there. Kinda cliche, but it can be a pretty good story opener. I'd read on to figure out if the girl is in trouble.

Also, from what I get, the Company's been following the high school girl for years. Why the girl though? Why not the target itself? If the girl is the main interest then why isn't she the target?

^That, was not something you should be worried about. It's actually me feeling curious about your story. Which is good.

I guess, that's all I can give you, your story is good and I think it's pretty awesome. Just remember, I'm not a professional so please take my advice with a chunk of salt. I am no better than you are.

And As Always, Thanks for Reading!!! ^_^
 

Vida Paradox

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Hi everyone! Vida here!

Been wrestling with writer's block for a while now and no luck.

However, a story idea came to me when I was weeping brainstorming inside my study. It's planned to be a short story and I am currently halfway through it. I'm trying to make the plot as simple as possible. (But who knows, maybe I'll end up posting the next revision in here

Here goes something! The Story Title is: Upper Heaven's Screw Up (Might change later)

I licked my thumb and skimmed through million pages of today’s Death Journal, keeping an eye on the color coded names written in every page. “Abigail Ellien, this is the upper...” I grabbed the annoying work desk speaker and chucked it towards a wall next to me, destroying it.

What do you think? No need to hold anything back. We AI's are impervious to emotional attacks. (Just be reasonable please!)

And As Always, Thanks For Reading!!!