[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

hjrey

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Daddy stood in the surf with his eyes on the horizon, watching the sun set, as the man struggled in his grip. He was thrashing in the waves, clawing at Daddy’s thick arms and round belly. When the struggling started to fade, he looked down.

Definitely one that gets you to re-read. Always good to start with a murder! Maybe would suggest a shorter sentence to open it up though but it's definitely got a hook in early.
 

dpaterso

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Daddy stood in the surf with his eyes on the horizon, watching the sun set, as the man struggled in his grip. He was thrashing in the waves, clawing at Daddy’s thick arms and round belly. When the struggling started to fade, he looked down.
I presume it's Daddy who looks down, the 2nd sentence focuses on the guy being choked so there was momentary uncertainty. I'd read on, if only to find out if Daddy knows he's being watched by, presumably, his kid.

-Derek
 

InkFinger

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Thank you, in context of the whole paragraph this works better, but sound advice all the same. I’ll spend a few minutes with it.
 

InkFinger

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Interesting point, his son and his sons girlfriend are watching from shore. Thank you for the read and commentary. I’ll work on it.
 

Bufty

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Daddy stood in the surf with his eyes on the horizon, watching the sun set, as the man struggled in his grip. He was thrashing in the waves, clawing at Daddy’s thick arms and round belly. When the struggling started to fade, he looked down.

I would read on. But if the POV observer is on shore, and is presumably both in full glare of the sunset and behind Daddy, how does the POV character know the details including that Daddy's eyes were on the horizon watching the sun set?
 
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InkFinger

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Third person omniscient. We are the observer, I thought it was interesting that dpaterson guessed his kid (22-year old son) was watching though, because they were. In point of fact, they are the ones that created the scenario currently playing out. Everyone calls William Saunders "Daddy," but he's a lot more like a boss. Daddy doesn't like killing people, but he does it a lot.
 
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Bufty

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Third person omniscient. We are the observer, I thought it was interesting that dpaterson guessed his kid (22-year old son) was watching though, because they were. In point of fact, they are the ones that created the scenario currently playing out. Everyone calls William Saunders "Daddy," but he's a lot more like a boss. Daddy doesn't like killing people, but he does it a lot.

OK, but I , and I suspect dpaterson, too, understandably assumed an opening double reference to 'Daddy' might be suggesting a First Person POV from one of his kids.
 

Woollybear

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I'd vote for anchoring us firmly with an omniscient narrator before using 'Daddy' as a name or form of address. ('Daddy' in particular feels very intimate.)

It's a mode of storytelling that looks like a lot of fun to play with, but this open doesn't feel omniscient to me, for what it's worth, as the language settles me to within a character's head (the head of Daddy's kid.)

The 'He' in the third sentence also caused me a hiccup, as it was an ambiguous reference.
 
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Conrad Adamson

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Flash fiction beginning:

* * * * *

Oscar placed two teacups on the polished table. The liquid inside them had no heat or flavor, but like the table and cups, it wasn’t really there. But they were familiar objects and seemed appropriate to set out while waiting for a friend.
 

dpaterso

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Oscar placed two teacups on the polished table. The liquid inside them had no heat or flavor, but like the table and cups, it wasn’t really there. But they were familiar objects and seemed appropriate to set out while waiting for a friend.
I kinda expect the next sentence to be, "Who didn't really exist either." but that's jumping the gun, my bad. I'm curious enough to keep reading, is this hallucination or virtual reality or what? Gotta find out.

-Derek
 

hjrey

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Flash fiction beginning:

* * * * *

Oscar placed two teacups on the polished table. The liquid inside them had no heat or flavor, but like the table and cups, it wasn’t really there. But they were familiar objects and seemed appropriate to set out while waiting for a friend.

I like the last line the best, really sets out a nice, surreal tone.
 

Conrad Adamson

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Thank you for the feedback. Over the last few years of writing this story is my wife's favorite (also the shortest--hmm), so my fingers are crossed on submissions.
 

jedimaster107

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I'm so glade i found this thread. Here's the first three sentences from three short stories that I've written.

Fate

Fun Street Avenue was the place to be on a summer afternoon. The street was named that because that was what it was. For five city blocks, shops and arcades lined both sides of the street.


A Second Chance

The stench of rotting garage made the area unbearable to breath. For Justin, the smell didn't affect him as his sense of smell have been damaged. Dressed in ratty, dirty clothes, Justin rummaged through the garbage bins searching for anything that could be sold for money.


Until Death Do Us Apart

Beyond the wooden door, lived a creature so horrible, so foul, Jason feared nothing else. Every night he had to face that creature. Even his nightmares had nightmares about the creature.
 
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dpaterso

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I'm so glade i found this thread. Here's the first three sentences from three short stories that I've written.
Posting one at a time might have worked too, but okay!

Fate

Fun Street Avenue was the place to be on a summer afternoon. The street was named that because that was what it was. For five city blocks, shops and arcades lined both sides of the street.
Calling something a street and also an avenue seems like an awkward echo, like saying the same thing twice. I'd read on just to see what the story might be about, there's no clue yet.

A Second Chance

The stench of rotting garage made the area unbearable to breath. For Justin, the smell didn't affect him as his sense of smell have been damaged. Dressed in ratty, dirty clothes, Justin rummaged through the garbage bins searching for anything that could be sold for money.
Lots of careless little typos here. Also if Justin isn't affected by the smell because his sense has been damaged, why open with the stench of the rotting garbage made the air unbearable to breath? Needs reworked. I'd read on to see what might happen to Justin, there's no clue yet.

Until Death Do Us Apart

Beyond the wooden door, lived a creature so horrible, so foul, Jason feared nothing else. Every night he had to face that creature. Even his nightmares had nightmares about the creature.
This is either going to be a real horrible creature, or something more ordinary that Jason has blown up out of proportion in his imagination, I'll happily read along to see what it is and what he does about it.

Hope it helps!

-Derek
 

LadyRedRover

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Fate

Fun Street Avenue was the place to be on a summer afternoon. The street was named that because that was what it was. For five city blocks, shops and arcades lined both sides of the street.

Right now, the second sentence feels a bit redundant, because the third sentence explains the first (Why is it the place to be? Because there is roughly a quarter mile of arcades and shops!). Using more descriptive language to capture the character of the place and ground the reader might give these sentences a bit more interest (what should the reader see, smell, feel, taste?) and open the way to the rest of the narrative.

A Second Chance

The stench of rotting garbage made the area unbearable to breathe. For Justin, the smell didn't effect him as his sense of smell had been damaged. Dressed in ratty, dirty clothes, Justin rummaged through the garbage bins searching for anything that could be sold for money.

Yet again, I don't think the second sentence is really necessary. Instead, maybe try to ground the reader in the story. What time of day is it? Is he in a dump or on a garbage barge? How is Justin going to transport the items he finds? Does he have any protective gear on (like a bandana to filter the smell/taste of garbage or gloves?) Are two words necessary to describe his clothing? How does Justin perceive his clothing and how does it fit?

Until Death Do Us Apart

Beyond the wooden door, lived a creature so horrible, so foul, Jason feared nothing else. Every night he had to face that creature. Even his nightmares had nightmares about the creature.

You've established two characters here, Jason and the creature. I think that there's a lack of information for either one though. We know nothing about Jason, except that he's scared, and we know nothing about the creature, except that it's bad. Depending on the tone you're going for, you could jump into Jason's mind and have him confronting the monster (or running away) for a more en media res approach or you could keep the omniscient storyteller feel by backtracking and explaining who Jason and the creature are in greater detail. Either way, the reader will want a little more to go off of :)

Overall, I think each of these openings have potential to be some pretty cool stories, but they need a little more development. An exercise I find really helpful is to grab an anthology in the genre I write in and look at the beginning sentences, then try to use some of the same techniques in my own writing. After practicing for a bit, you'll find your beginning sentences getting a lot tighter and more interesting :) Good luck and welcome to the thread!
 
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weird_cat

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This is really rough- hoping to edit later- but here goes!


Elana should have been happy as she watched her son leave the courthouse. She stood next to her husband, her back stick-straight. Her red scarf was pulled up over her chin, a gossamer gorget between her and the frigid day
 

SundryHen

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Flash fiction beginning:

* * * * *

Oscar placed two teacups on the polished table. The liquid inside them had no heat or flavor, but like the table and cups, it wasn’t really there. But they were familiar objects and seemed appropriate to set out while waiting for a friend.

This is nice! The mystery around the objects not being there and the arriving friend create a nice hook. Would read more.

Best,

Sundry
 

mccardey

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Flash fiction beginning:

* * * * *

Oscar placed two teacups on the polished table. The liquid inside them had no heat or flavor, but like the table and cups, it wasn’t really there. But they were familiar objects and seemed appropriate to set out while waiting for a friend.
I don't write short, but I really like this. I think if the second sentence were just a tad tighter, I would definitely read on.
 
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SundryHen

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From a story three days old, so I'm still in the drafting phase. Not sure about this opening:

His generosity made Polenia sick. While being generous is generally considered an act of altruism, when it came to Lorebius, she felt as if there was something off about it. He was sitting on a stool in the corner of the
We Have Everything
(How? We can’t stop you from guessing!)
shop; open books were floating around him, bumping into each other.
 

introvertedcarrot

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I don't even know if I'm doing this right, I started writing a story on a whim yesterday and I figured that I could use some help so bear with me here.

Hello, my name is Nicole Harper. I would first like to start off this paper by saying that I have no idea what I'm doing in this great big world and after the summer I had, I’m even more clueless. Some people say that when you meet your person, everything just clicks, but I say, the puzzle just gets bigger.
 

mccardey

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I started writing a story on a whim yesterday and I figured that I could use some help so bear with me here.

Hello, my name is Nicole Harper. I would first like to start off this paper by saying that I have no idea what I'm doing in this great big world and after the summer I had, I’m even more clueless. Some people say that when you meet your person, everything just clicks, but I say, the puzzle just gets bigger.

Hello and welcome to AW :) Do go and make an intro in the Newbies thread, because that's where people will start to get to know you. It's not a Rool, exactly, but it's good idea. ;)

It's never the best move to post something that you haven't worked on and edited a bit - not that the critters mind, but it gives you more confidence, which puts you in a better place to asses the critique you're given. For what it's worth though, I like your third sentence. I'd be more inclined to start there.

Again - that doesn't mean much, because you seem not to have worked your own way through it just yet.

Nice to meet you, hope you stick around :Sun:There's lots to learn here.
 

Bing Z

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From a story three days old, so I'm still in the drafting phase. Not sure about this opening:

His generosity {weak w/o specifics} made Polenia sick. While being generous is generally considered an act of altruism, when it came to Lorebius, she felt as if there was something off about it. {is Lorebius the "his" mentioned in the first sentence? If so, suggest to swap name with pronoun; if not, ma'am, you have three characters in 2 sentences} He was sitting on a stool in the corner of the
We Have Everything
(How? We can’t stop you from guessing!)
shop; open books were floating around him, bumping into each other.
The unspecified generosity actually weakens the opening, IMO. Since this is a shortie, perhaps drag us right into the action?
 

The Eighteenth Letter

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Flash fiction beginning:

* * * * *

Oscar placed two teacups on the polished table. The liquid inside them had no heat or flavor, but like the table and cups, it wasn’t really there. But they were familiar objects and seemed appropriate to set out while waiting for a friend.

aheuett... i really dig this beginning. The tone of the voice is beautiful. Nice