Do you tell people you are writing about them?

gettingby

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Many of the characters in my memoir are deceased, but I have told my living siblings that I'm writing a memoir. One sibling never listens to others when they talk, so I'm not sure she even heard me. One told me not to use her name; and the other told me she never wants to read it (too many bad memories), but she told her daughter that she wants her to read it. Yet another sibling passed away this year, and she was looking forward to reading it; I wish I had not been waiting for "perfection" before I let her read it.

I haven't yet told others outside my immediate family about my memoir, and I haven't yet decided how to approach the topic. I'll most likely change names and details, but based on what I've read, if a book is published and sells decently, it's pretty easy for someone to figure out who the characters truly are. I can change locations all day long, but it would be easy for anyone to figure out the real locations.

Be careful. The more you change the less it is a memoir.
 

Raison

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Be careful. The more you change the less it is a memoir.
It is actually quite common for memoir writers to change names and identifying details of people, which sometimes means changing locations, too. I can't think of many memoirists who didn't do this. However, as I mentioned earlier, I'm not really sure how much it accomplishes because in most memoirs I'm familiar with that sold well, people figured out the locations and people anyway. This was true even 20 years ago. With Google now, it's even easier. For now, I'm writing things as accurately as possible (well, actually, I'm in the editing process). I'll figure out how I'm going to handle other things when the time comes.
 
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gettingby

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It is actually quite common for memoir writers to change names and identifying details of people, which sometimes means changing locations, too. I can't think of many memoirists who didn't do this. However, as I mentioned earlier, I'm not really sure how much it accomplishes because in most memoirs I'm familiar with that sold well, people figured out the locations and people anyway. This was true even 20 years ago. With Google now, it's even easier. For now, I'm writing things as accurately as possible (well, actually, I'm in the editing process). I'll figure out how I'm going to handle other things when the time comes.

I have been reading a lot of memoirs recently, and none of them do what you are suggesting. I can't say it never happens, but I don't think it is as common as you are implying. I will say it again, the more you change the less it is a memoir.
 

khobar

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I will say it again, the more you change the less it is a memoir.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/014200006X/?tag=absowrit-20

"In this powerful and provocative new memoir, award-winning author Lauren Slater forces readers to redraw the boundary between what we know as fact and what we believe through the creation of our own personal fictions."

Today it seems the definition of memoir *can be* pretty loose. Tomorrow who knows, but I think the key is intent. Are you trying to change the truth by changing the details, or does the truth stand regardless of those changes? James Frey's Million Little Pieces comes to mind and is mentioned in the following link. Hope this helps.

http://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/10-ways-to-tell-if-your-story-should-be-a-memoir-or-a-novel
 

Helix

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I have been reading a lot of memoirs recently, and none of them do what you are suggesting.

How can you gauge that? I guess it's easy with celebrity memoirs, where the 'masked' people might also be famous, but it's a lot more difficult for a reader to identify people in other memoirs.

I can't say it never happens, but I don't think it is as common as you are implying. I will say it again, the more you change the less it is a memoir.

Are the names the only thing that make an incident true?
 

Ravioli

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Unless I think it's worth sharing, then no. My memories are my own, no matter who shares tem. My philosophy is that as long as I protect identities, I am free to do with MY life, MY memories, and the things that made ME who I am, as I please, with no one's permission.

I also don't want any "Oh no, please don't, delete that bit". What if it's a good bit? And anyway - I always change names to make sure nobody has a claim or a veto on my work. I've had a so-far pretty entertaining life, and I'm not going to water it down just so certain people don't get embarassed. My solution, rather than arguing and insisting on my right to write:

Not telling them.
 

Raison

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I have been reading a lot of memoirs recently, and none of them do what you are suggesting. I can't say it never happens, but I don't think it is as common as you are implying. I will say it again, the more you change the less it is a memoir.
How do you know none of them do this? Unless the author says so or unless someone from the book comes out and says it, you won't ever know. But I'll give you examples from four best-selling memoirs that indeed do what you say isn't common (or worse). These all go beyond what I'd feel comfortable doing myself.


Frank McCourt (Angela's Ashes)

He totally made up a person:

"Their three biggest criticisms of the book, aside from the endless grinding misery it depicts, include the description of a local boy, Willy Harold, as a Peeping Tom who spied on his naked sister. It turns out that Mr Harold, now dead, never had a sister - which McCourt did later acknowledge."

Another article, which I can't find at the moment, said that one of his characters was actually a combination of various people, not truly one person.


Mary Karr (The Liars' Club)

She attributed an act of one person to another person and says that she used fake names (I'm okay with the latter).

"This is the only intentional falsehood I've consciously constructed—other than fake names. It's the one time I've let literature rule over fact. And now that Meredith and her mother are both dead, I correct the score.

Oh, and the Liars' Club stories in that book (minus one I'd tape recorded) were sheer fiction, but since they deal with frozen farts and the like, I figured their historical accuracy would never be under dispute."

"The greater complaint has been that I didn't use real names or the real name of our town. In other words, people preferred to be affiliated with their representations in the book. Some folks were pissed I left them out."


Jennifer Lauck (Blackbird and Still Waters)

She uses some pseudonyms, and she even got her father's middle name wrong, though that wasn't intentional. But, again, that doesn't bother me. What does bother me is her "oh, well" attitude when accused of being untruthful about some events, even after figuring out that some things were indeed wrong.


Augusten Burroughs (he didn't write under his "real" name): Running with Scissors

He's had a lot of issues, including a family accusing him of libel and invasion of privacy, but back on topic:

"Additionally, there is an author's note at the beginning of the book saying that 'the names and other identifying characteristics of the persons included in this memoir have been changed.'"


There are many, many more examples. In fact, one of the few that comes to mind who says she did not change any names is Jeannette Walls (The Glass Castle). Actually, I think she says she "could not change the names." I think she initially had considered doing so but couldn't bring herself to do it.

Basically, yes, it's very common to change names. Many people now do it to protect others. As a reader, I'm okay with that. I don't feel cheated. Perhaps I would feel different if I were closer to the story and knew the people in real life, but that has only been the case with one memoir I've read. In that book, the author did use her family's real names, but I have no idea if the names of all others in the book were accurate; I suspect not, though. These days, however, with creative nonfiction, people are taking far more liberties and are creating scenes and dialogue and even characters. That does bother me.

Beyond that, I think the biggest thing to remember, which I've seen over and over again, is that memoir is not history.
 

Raison

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Today it seems the definition of memoir *can be* pretty loose. Tomorrow who knows, but I think the key is intent. Are you trying to change the truth by changing the details, or does the truth stand regardless of those changes? James Frey's Million Little Pieces comes to mind and is mentioned in the following link.

I agree that this is critical in the line between memoir and not memoir.
 

GetShorty

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My biography is full of other people who I feel I have to mention. They were pivotal and helped shaped the events in my life and caused my story to be what it is. How can you leave them out or not mention their name especially when you do not want to get their permission.