Your wish is granted...

Denied ... I mean ... what could you bring to the party "Average Rose"

I wish I could plant grass and harvest avacados

Granted. But you can only plant grass and harvest avocados in a 1-hectare patch at the foot of the Verkhoyansk Mountains in Siberia.

I wish I had a title and everybody would be obliged to bow when they approach me.

Granted ... Idub thee Sir DUCK !!!


I wish I could figure out how to clean this rug before my wife gets home (dropped a peanutbutter sammich and stepped on it when I woke up)

Granted. You are now a master in cleaning art... but you'll need to go shopping since you don't have what you need. I don't think you will be back before your wife does. Good luck!

I wish I could live on pudding only.

Granted. However, in order to make this diet life sustaining, I've had to brew up a vat of spinach, banana, beef and kidney bean pudding - with roasted peanuts and a cherry on top. Because I care.

I wish I had an umbrella that always worked and kept me completely dry.

Granted: You now have an oversized umbrella permanently attached between your shoulder blades that is so large you are unable to pass through any portal in your home, thus keeping you inside and “completely dry” in even the severest of rainstorms.

I wish I had a way of getting my favorite restaurants to bring me food completely free of charge.

Granted. All your favorite restaurants have failed their health inspections and have been put out of business. They will be bringing their wasted food to your home non-stop until they have exhausted their supplies.


I wish for world leaders who are both ethical and reasonably moral.

Granted. But they don't have any knowledge in statecraft and mondial economy. Their rule lead to an economical crisis never seen before leading to the fall of civilisation as they rip apart capitalism without having a replacement system... always be careful what you wish, always fear it may happen.

I wish for a technocracy ruling over the world.

Granted. Welcome to the Orwellian version of Technocrats extraordinaire. All of your needs are monitored and thoughts observed by the most efficient of all technical experts. 1984 to be exact.

I wish that I had a ping pong table.

Granted. And conveniently you can hold it in the palm of your hand. Barbie, however, is raging and is looking for the thief who took her ping pong table. I've provided your address.


I wish I had a flamethrower.

Granted. But you didn't wish for fuel. Either make an other wish or go by some.

I wish for a tiger class tank.

Granted. However you had to trade your car in as an exchange. Not many modern conveniences, terrible on gas, it'll take you longer to get to work, but you get to park anywhere you want.

I wish dogs didn't get fleas.

Granted. Now they have louses so they can share more thing with their masters.

I wish a stop to the trend of zombie-base products from goodies to movies and anything in between like books, board games, video games... everything! And no replacing with sparkling vampires!

Granted. Welcome to revival of "My Little Pony", "Cabbage Patch Kids" and "Smokey and the Bandit"... Meanwhile, I'm disconnecting my cable service until this blows over.


I wish that telemarketing would become illegal.

It is, but there is a resurgence of door-to-door salesmen. They knock on your door at only odd and inappropriate times.

I wish for a gallon of coffee and 12 more hours of sleep.

Granted. You can have your coffee and sleep...right....NOW! Given you asked for it many, many hours ago, I have a feeling you would have preferred it when you first woke up, but those are the risks we wager. Glug, glug with you. Good luck sleeping tonight.

I wish I had sound proof windows.

Granted. Your windows are now sound proof. They cannot be opened (which would allow sound to pass). The same applies to your doors and any other apertures. This could be good news if you're agoraphobic, but eventually you'll likely need to get out or bring something in. In the meantime, you might be able to get the pizza delivery guy to slip some breadsticks in through the mail slot.


I wish my vehicles never required maintenance.

Granted. You now have a small plastic car for children with pedals. It only requires washing and oiling the mechanism. Oh, I forgot! It's pink with Barbie written on it. I didn't have an other model.

I wish for the human race to make first contact.

Granted. So, on behalf of the human race I say "Howdy" Azdaphel. Not sure who you were trying to get a hold off, but we'll be right over since you offered.

I wish I had a collection of antique German Beer Steins.

Granted. And since you showed you care in a previous wish, there won't be unwanted side-effects... this time.

I wish for aliens to come and do what must be done (I deliberately leave room for interpretation).

Granted. The aliens will come and do what must be done for them to take over the Earth. (Well, you knew that was coming, didn't you? )

I wish I had a garden full of cabbages.

Granted. As you approach your garden you distinctly hear the words "Feed Me!" coming from within. Choose your next actions carefully.


I wish aphids would no longer be attracted to my tomatoes.

Granted. Everything that grows in your garden is poisonous. Perhaps something in the soil. Aphids avoid it like hell thus keeping them away from your tomatoes, which are no longer edible. Perhaps you should have which for ladybirds? They eat aphids.

I wish for the world to be perfect.

Granted. "Perfect" is not only essentially conceptual, it's also highly subjective. The world is already perfectly Itself, and there is nothing else like it (to our current knowledge).

I wish someone would clean my gutters.

Granted Azdaphel. All pollution has ceased, every illnesses is cured, universal love abound, and poverty is eradicated from the planet. Unfortunately, all mankind must cease to exist for this to be possible. So, I'll stand by on notice for the plague on it's way to wipe us all out, thanks (??)

Well I didn't want to miss out on making a 'perfect world', but now I have to clean gutters!

So, your wish is granted, Kinsman. In reparations for my late arrival in responding to the prior request I will clean your gutters. Unfortunately, I am very short, klutzy, and not all that tidy, so you'll need a long ladder, safety net, and not be very particular about the quality of my work. Happy to help.

I wish I had a fresh blueberry pie baked on the Northern coast of Maine.