Your wish is granted...

Granted. Now it gives you stomachaches.

I wish a certain weird-haired political figure would stay off my TV.

Somewhat granted. Now he’s jalapeño twitter feed.

I wish for a simpler time, be it past, future, or somewhere-elsewhen. I’ll take anytime/anywhere at this point… just make it smarter (and saner!).

ha. if you really wanted a simpler time you would move to Pawnee Rock, Kansas. No traffic, no crime, no stores, no banks, no doctors, no library, no movie thee-eighters, no wi-fi, no nothing but dust, tedium, dust and more tedium---unless the tornado sirens go off. NO WAY? I thought so. --s6

I wish the gentle folk of St. John Kansas were not so simple.

Granted, but now it's turned into a Peyton Place run by the people of " The Young and the Restless," and they changed the name to "Harper Valley."

I wish I had more energy.

You do. In fact you have so much energy, lightning bolts shoot out of your fingers every quarter hour. The neighbors are complaining about flickering lights, radio stations being picked up from metal fillings, and one fried pot belly pig, but they don't dare approach you, because they never know when you're going to discharge. But not to worry, the military has taken an interest in your new found ability.

I wish I had more coffee.

NathanBrazil said:

I wish I had more coffee.

Click to expand...

You do! You've had coffee this entire time, if only you believe in yourself. But I didn't think you were drinking it, so that's where I've been putting my cigarettes out.

I wish I was less of a pessimist.

Granted, but now you're so optimistic about everything that you don't see obvious risks anymore and sink your entire fortune into worthless bonds.


I wish my internet was fast enough to load these pages properly.

Granted! It does. Everything loads so much faster that it can't keep up. It loads your keyboard, desk, office, and soon forms a mini-black hole. It doesn't stop until it has consumed your entire house, then closes with a clap of thunder.

I wish I didn't have to work on weekends.

Granted. Now you don't work on weekends anymore, but you don't work on the other days of the week either - for your boss has fired you.

(Sadly, not entirely fictional. I used to work with a paranoic boss who'd come in on weekends and evenings and check to see if things at your desk had shifted place, i.e. to find out if you had been there. He also took note of what times your jacket was hanging there and if in doubt he would question other colleagues if or when a certain person had arrived. None of the required extra work was paid, mind you.)


I wish the sky was always clear.

Granted. It will never rain again. All the rivers and lakes will dry up and your town will turn into a lifeless desert.


I wish I had the power to freeze time.

Granted, but you caused a temporal paradox and no one can move, resulting in people becoming statues.

Wish I was more organized.

Granted. You are now a filing cabinet.

I wish for world peace.

Granted! Human beings go extinct.

I wish for genius-level intellect.

Granted! But now you'll lose all motor skills.

I wish to lose weight by watching other people exercise.

Granted, but now everyone around you is exercising so much you lose all your fat and muscle and are now just skin and bones.

I wish I could overcome procrastination.

Granted, but you can only focus on trivial details.

I wish for infinite time.

You do have infinite time. Sadly, you will be nonexistent throughout the vast majority of your infinite time.

Wish the Freshmen boys would stop confusing soap and water with aftershave cologne.

Granted, but I thought time was infinite anyway (I'd ask Carl Sagan but he's somewhere on the other side of the cosmos).


Wish I understood string theory.

Granted, but you ONLY understand string theory.

Wish I had a limitless Amazon gift card.

Granted, but now your house looks like an Amazon warehouse and the city has cited you for blocking traffic.


Wish I had a planet all to myself

Granted, but it's in a different galaxy far, far away.

I wish I had a publishing deal.

Granted but the terms of the deal state that you must stand on your head at every book signing.

I wish I was more confident.

Granted, but now you are OVERCONFIDENT.

I wish I had unlimited pasta and sauce.

Granted but it is a few week old.

I wish I owned a yacht

Granted but it's missing the front half.

I wish I could time travel.