Your wish is granted...

Granted. We’ve cancelled all of the future movies for that series – the one that should not be named. Just a few moments ago I received a phone call. He either said ‘7 days’ or he rambled on and on about his mad cooking skills and how very much he would like to meet whomever was responsible for canceling the series. I hope you don’t mind – I gave him your username. He said that was all he’d need.

I wish for a holographic keyboard – one that has worked out all the kinks.

It turns out that even after bending the laws of time and space, we were still not able to make that stupid keyboard work. Instead we have loaned you a 13 year old kid that will act as an intermediary between you and your keyboard and mouse. He just needs a slap in the back of the head and a few choice words, and will do as asked – most of the time.

I wish that we could breathe life back into this thread.

Granted. The Genie is giving you a large balloon. You must keep blowing into it till life returns to this thread. (Caution, it may pop. )

I wish I could wake up and find that the past year in US politics was nothing but a dream.

Granted, but… (you see it already, right?→) it was a nightmare. It’s an ongoing nightmare to boot and the only way you’ll ever see the dawn unfreeze is to wake with new ambitions of running for president in 2020. (I’ll vote for you if you whisper sweet platforms in my ear.)

I wish friends & family would consider Uber or Lyft instead of texting me when needing to-and-fro airport rides.

Granted! Guess what? You now drive for Uber...

I wish I had more bookcases, because my book collection overfloweth.

As your books overfloweth, so do the bookcases. They seem to sprout out of the floor. You’ve got plenty of place for your books but not much else. If you climb over the maze of bookcases, you can reach a sink, a microwave and the bunny door.

I wish I had more time for family, so that I could reconnect with cousins that I haven’t seen for years.

Granted! You now have lots of free time to spend with cousins you haven't seen in years...all of whom in the intervening time since you've seen them seem to have taken up hobbies that they're very eager to share with you like greased pig wrestling, painting on black velvet, and cooking meth.

I wish I'd learned to ice skate when I was a kid.

*Greased pig wrestling doesn't sound so bad.*

And how am I supposed to do that? I am not magician. Hmm. *Roots around in Marissa’s brain and finds the tapes of her life.* Ah hah! Granted! We’ve spliced in a few memories. If you don’t recognize yourself, that’s because we swiped a tape of my third cousin’s niece ... And there was an accident in the lab. Somebody burned the tape where you learned to read. Not sure how that will change things.

I wish typing would burn as many calories as running on a treadmill.

How about one o'these?

Genie is generous and makes it so you can't type UNLESS you run. Great for your heart rate, questionable for your productivity.

I wish people were more polite.

- - - Updated - - -

Er I tried to add an image of a treadmill desk. Clearly, I did not succeed.

Granted. People keep saying, "Have a nice day!" as they slam doors in your face.

I wish the temperature outside my house was 72 degrees right now.

Granted! It's a lovely 72 degrees outside your house...but in order to make it that warm, genie had to suck all the ambient warmth out of the inside of your house, and it's now somewhere around absolute zero in there. On the bright side, your refrigerator won't have to work hard.

I wish I could get up in the morning and not be anxious about what the headlines in the newspaper will be when I go online.

Granted. The Genie has arranged for just one newspaper to appear on your monitor from now on--The Morning Sunshine. In tomorrow's headlines: "Mr. Smithers Mows His Lawn," "Bobby Drimmel Gets a Puppy," "Mrs. Delgado Bakes an Apple Pie," and "Everything's Coming Up Roses."

I wish a fantastic dinner would be delivered to me in the next half hour.

Once again a time sensitive wish. Feeling partially responsible for this oversight, (I think the words I'm looking for are benign neglect) I am going to roll back time to February 10th to accommodate your wish. I couldn't cram the entire book on parallel universes and time slips in the time remaining, so I just ordered a pizza instead. Unfortunately, you've branched onto another time line. You can course correct if you find the Delorean in The Steampunk Siren's Sassy Sippin' Saloon thread.

I wish for a tasty dessert like Capirotada with all the yum and no calories.

Granted! You'll have the most tasty dessert ever conceived. I am sure you will enjoy it as much as your tapeworm.

I wish for the best game ever.

Granted: You were in great form, scored three goals and got two assists, but, sorry to say you lost 7-5.

I wish neighbors would move far away.

Granted. They have moved far, far away. But new neighbors have moved in, and...well, wait till you get a load of them!

I wish I had a pet kangaroo.

And here he is. To make things more interesting, he is a Boxing Kangaroo. He is being shipped from Wagga-Wagga and will be at your doorstep in just 8-12 weeks. Likely he will be a little pissed off. Hope you have your gloves on when you open the box.

Wish my twin kittens could play outside today.

Granted. The weather is uncommonly nice, and you allow your twin kittens to play outside. Soon a limo comes by, and a lady in the back seat says to her chauffeur, "Stop here, James! Oh, what darling little kittens! The grandchildren will love them!" A fast catnapping is effected, and the limo drives off. Oh, well, maybe you can acquire some new twinsies someday.



I wish I didn't have to sit here all day waiting for the plumbers to come fix my damned drain!

Granted! You feel an odd sensation in your backside. Disconcerted, you rise from your seat--and begin to dance! After a bit the dancing shifts into skipping around in circles. Then you find yourself standing on your head, after which the dancing resumes, to be followed by standing on one leg like a stork. The plumber doesn't arrive until 4:45, and you haven't sat down all day.

I wish the weather today was as warm and sunny as it was yesterday.

Granted! I’m sure you’ve heard of the Miser brothers. We commissioned them and apparently a petty squabble broke out between the two. Yes, you shall get your warmth in the form of blistering heat, but you’ll also get sub-zero temps (I didn’t know there was such a thing.)

I wish that the recent gas price trend would reverse itself.

Granted! You no longer have to worry about gas price. In fact, you can't put a price on something that doesn't exist anymore.

I want to be God.

Granted. Well, not really. But everybody calls you "God" in your padded cell--because if they don't, you throw a fit.

I wish I could speak 50 languages.

Granted. You now speak (meaning: can understand and translate) 21 dialects of general goddledygook, 20 of political hogwash, and you're fluent in 9 poppycock regional accents. As an added bonus, I grant you exclusivity in horse-shit fluidity.

I wish my preferences ran more dime-store budget than 'Rockafeller' taste.

Granted. But there are no more dime stores (the last Woolworth's Five and Dime closed in 1997), so your wish has been shifted to eBay, where your preferences will now be to order all kinds of fabulous things for pennies--for example, 10 beautiful thimbles from China for only 77 cents!

I wish I could learn to make better decisions.

Granted, but those amazing decision making skills are only learned on the fourth Tuesday of every 11th month when Leap Year is in effect. Furthermore, in order to gain access to these skills, you must have the key made of goat ivory to open the door where the decision room exists. (I'm assuming you at least know where that is, right?)

I wish caffeine withdraw didn't give me headaches...