[This is a long one.]
Was it Thomas Wolfe who turned "You can't go home again" into a book plot?
He was right and it's horror.
Today when I was scrolling through the guide on DirecTV looking for the other Olympic broadcasts, I scrolled past PBS. They were broadcasting a revival of Leonard Bernstein's "Mass" on "Great Performances. Being PBS, they aren't showing it again until mid-September and I can't find a PBS on demand. I bet they don't have one because they want to gouge the public during one of their many pledge drives.
So I tried fo find the new version online, but PBS has it locked down tight. <not surprised> I did find one song by the lead on YouTube. What a voice. <swoon>
I did find the original 1981 recording. on YT and I have Thoughts.
First, how on earth could the new version capture the innocence and chaos of that time? HIV was a whisper. Pedophile priests didn't officially exist. People were torn--longing for the Latin Mass and enjoying actually understanding what was going on. There was still a longing for the simple belief that everything the Church said was blessed by God, that the Bible was to be worshipped, that if we did everything the priests said without question all our problems would be solved and we'd spend eternity in Heaven.
Second, the plot is all about the faithful taking baby steps: questioning, arguing, doubting. The wide-eyed priest goes from innocent to clueless to appalled to furious. When the congregation turns the Mass into chaos he finally cracks and smashes the monstrance and chalice. (The extended aria after this is a tour de force.) He rips off his vestments and walks out.
Third, the end attempts hope: an altar boy institutes the reconciliation between priest and congregation, yet despite the Latin of this song being only conjunctions of "praise," the reconciliation is more between the priest and congregation rather than the priest being the conduit between the congregation and God. The congregation is sorry for the chaos and the priest grasps at any straw of peace.
The piece is a product of its time. Now, with the RCC publicly revealed in all its corruption, with the idea that allowing an altar boy near a priest should be the epitome of social distancing, I can only see this being performed as a quaint period piece.
I was still a nun when this was performed. I secretly listened to it with my secular friends.
This nostalgia is... horrible. My life was chaos in 1981 and 1982, mirrored by the priest's crisis of faith and the loud, insistent, continual noise of the world attacking from all sides.
If I'd had any sense, I wouldn't have watched the original on YT tonight. The memories grabbed me by the throat and yanked me across 40 years of my life. This old, cynical, tired broad (I'm 60 now!) became a miserable, angry, terrified 20-year-old with only one thought: Did God ever give me a vocation to the convent? Is everything I believed a lie? There was the quietest whisper in the depths of my mind that the answer to question 1 was "no" and 2 was "yes".
After years of anger and bitterness and emptiness I got myself straightened out, and with my ex-Husband as well. No pre-nup with God!
Even so, I would like nothing more than to polish off the fifth of Jameson's in the china cabinet right now. People still ask me why I haven't written a convent memoir. This is why. It was horrible physically and mentally, and when faith is your reason for existing, having ishatter is falling into a Lovecraftian void. I'll keep writing horror and mystery with humor and magic and naughty bits, TYVM.
This is one of the longest posts I've ever written on AW, Hounds, and no worries if you skipped to the end. I'll turn the Jameson's into Irish coffee and bake scones for breakfast. They'll be waiting for everyone when y'all pop in tomorrow. Thanks for listening. Horror Hounds are the best.
ETA: fixed some confusing typos and didn't try to count the times I used 'chaos' and versions of 'horror'. Guess those speak for themselves.