"Where are you from": Part Two

I've moved over 3,000 miles in the past 5 years and people still move in and out of my neighborhood all the time, so "Where are you from?" is something I ask everyone. It has nothing to do with skin tone or accent. I have neighbors from everywhere from Shanghai to a few miles away. The only time I don't is if I think someone might be sensitive about the question. I think a good way to ask is, "How long have you lived in this neighborhood?" (This works when meeting new neighbors.) If people want to talk about where they came from before our neighborhood was built, they will, and if they don't, they won't.

I'd hate for someone to be hurt by such a question. In my case, it's pure curiosity.

little_e said:

"How long have you lived in this neighborhood?"

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... that's a neat and subtle way of asking.

With me, I never ask people anything personal at all, ever.
If they want to tell me something I let them take the initiative.
And I'll bet some people figure I don't care and am not interested.
I am. I just have my own way of going about things

lolchemist said:

So..... What is a good and inoffensive way to ask this question?

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It's really context more than anything else...

But I don't like "what are you?" and "where are you really from?" is just stupid. And if someone asks me where my parents are from...I truthfully say Canada because they're both Canadian-born. Asking about my "cultural background" or "background" is fine with me.

Context: Do you know my name or anything about me? Yes? Did you just walk up to me and ask, "you half-Asian, half-something?" No?

Well, that puts you ahead of the vast majority of people who ask me that question. No joke.

kuwisdelu said:

I just basically judge based on tone rather than anything else. It's not that hard to tell why people are asking.

And if I'm curious myself, then I just hope other PoC will be able to read my good intentions.

Of course, I've been known to be as blunt as saying "So I'm half Zuni, with a bit of Polish, German, and Swedish in me. What's in you?"

Though I have no idea why I'd ever bother asking a stranger.

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If I want to ask, yeah, I usually offer up my own info first.

My main problem is with complete strangers asking, and that accounts for the majority of times I'm asked.

aruna said:

And in others (not talking about your situation, J.S.F.) it's as harmless and innocuous as "where do you work?" or "where did you go to school?"

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See, I could use this as a guide: If the person asking about my race would ever ask, or has already asked, about where I work or where I went to school--then OK, I'm not offended. This is part of some get-to-know you conversation*, not slot-you-into-a-box question. That's cool. Problem is most people who ask are not in a situation where they'll ever even bother asking my name...that's why in most cases I don't see it as innocuous.

*And not just...uhhh..."I want to have sex with you."
One thing I haven't seen brought up in this thread: I am a young woman, and significant number of men who ask this question sound like they have some kind of exoticism or Asian fetish. I think this is part of the reason I have an aversion to this question.


Really, for me, most of the time it's asked in such a way that it seems to be entirely for the purpose of "I want to put a label on you" and not "I want to get to know you." That's where the issue is. So if you ask in any context in which I can tell you have some interest in who I am as a person, and you don't say something really stupid like "where are you really from?" or immediately start asking if I eat rice half the time, then it's no problem. It's still not my favorite question, however. Partly because I've just had so many bad experiences with it, and because people tend to have expectations about my Asian-ness which I do not fulfill.

slhuang said:

Ah hahahahahaha!

My mother just sent me this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-google&v=DWynJkN5HbQ&fulldescription=1

Hilarious.

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OMG Love. I want to do that to someone. I love pithy, though.

lolchemist said:

I think part of the problem is that the English language doesn't really have a good sentence for quickly and concisely asking the question 'Hey, you look a certain way that is interesting to me, may I inquire about your genealogy?' (Even this sounds really awkward and clunky!)

So we resort to:
'Where are you from?' - New York
'What are you?' - A human being
'No, but where are you REALLY from?' - Planet earth
'But what's your nationality?' - American
'So you're a Native American?' - Nope
'Then where are your parents from?' - And in my case this is finally where they will get the names of foreign countries and yet... The specific mix of genetics that created my face and body still won't be 100% accurately represented.

So..... What is a good and inoffensive way to ask this question?

ETA: OMG SLHuang I just watched your video and it used the same Native American joke I just wrote!! And the look on the male actor's face was priceless!!

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I'd be straight... "What is your heritage? Mine is..."

Also clarify with a subject. "What city are you from?" If they say, Chicago... accept it.

But at least ask the person's name first, ask about the weather and don't treat them like they can't speak English. And then don't take exception to the whole thing as if their heritage is the ONLY thing that defines their choices in life.

I don't think asking someone's heritage is a good conversation starter. You don't know all of the cultures on Earth and I've tested it before. People usually self-volunteer it over time because they find it important as a PART of who they are.

There are better questions you can ask which directly effect the person and you can find out their own choices in life without digging too deep.

What do you think about the weather? works.

Also talking about cultural differences often sparks people to volunteer the answer, but it also means you'll run into people you don't want to speak to fairly quickly. But I don't want to talk to narrow-minded people like that at all anyway, so it's a fair litmus test for me. And I'll smile if they say something like, "But not all the people are like that." 'cause that means they get it.

Purple Rose said:

This is exactly how I see it. Always.

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I think for the groups that are treated like perpetual foreigners often, it's a bit harder because there is the gut reaction, having to sort it out, and then having to take back-handed compliments after you answer the trap.

"Oh, but your English is SO good."

"I'm sorry about the Korean War. Do you know about it?" (In a tone that implicates, you know we saved you from communism, right?)

This is about the time I either get pithy or try to find an escape.

I got the "Where are you from?" from an adult when I was 5 years old (approaching first grade) without an another adult around. And then I was preached at about the Korean war and how I should be grateful I was adopted and should know Korean and go back to Korea, and of course "Who do you love more" and then a lecture on communism from this white guy like I should know all these things because it's built into my blood in the halls of my school. That's about when I decided to arm myself. Trauma. Trapped. And I still don't understand that guy. From this side I find it a little creepy....

Rinse and repeat this question from the day care workers to my mom who are trying to comfort her that we could be hers. The guy at the park, all of my classmates, the children at the camp, adults that just can't help themselves, and once a year at my Aunt's New Years' party. I get this once a year no matter the location. I must just have that sort of luck to have bad endings.

And I still get the "You speak English good" after I told them I was adopted at FIVE. >.<;; Seriously. People, people.

Just be straight. Stop beating a bush and put a subject or object into the question. English is supposed to be fantastic for it's surgical touch... use it.

One of these days, I should to learn to speak Spanish. I feel like I'm disappointing all the Hispanics who think I'm also Hispanic.

It's kind of low priority right now though, considering I can't even speak my own "native" language of Zuni. And I'm still working on Japanese, too. And after that I'll probably try learning Chinese.

If you think someone is asking for reasons other than genuine interest or you just want to avoid answering because it's none of their business ...

"Where are you from?"
"My mummy's tummy"

Kaarl said:

If you think someone is asking for reasons other than genuine interest or you just want to avoid answering because it's none of their business ...

"Where are you from?"
"My mummy's tummy"

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Sometimes I say Africa. To just shut 'em up, but then I'm not African-looking, so I can get away with it. (This is the Anthropology)

But I put in the caveat, unless you're a creationist, then you can say Iran--you know the Tigris and Euphrates. Most theologians say that's where Eden probably originated. (Discovery channel, BTW, even if you disagree and say it was a mythical location and there was a crossing).

This serves several purposes...
1. It lets them know they are racially profiling and I'm letting them know that.
2. That they are taking exception to the fact that I'm not "default" white in their eyes.
3. Says I'm an individual, just like them.
4. Points that the origin of human beings isn't Europe even with Christians/Jews/Muslims. (i.e. that the Sistine Chapel is a lie.)

But as I said, I like pithy. I also like geeky clever answers that make people think about themselves. Also comes in handy with adoption. Oh, if you think this is pithy. Adoption questions I can really give a slam down.

Either they get it and laugh and back off... start talking about Anthropology or something else or they are insulted and shut their mouth. It's a win-win.

I have to admit I hate the "What are you?" question more. Usually it's meant to be insulting in the first place. To which I geek that to "homo sapiens sapiens and you?" (Sapiens means "wise one"... so it's kinda an insult too... but they probably aren't geek enough to get that.)

Rachel Udin said:

"Oh, but your English is SO good."

And I still get the "You speak English good" after I told them I was adopted at FIVE. >.<;; Seriously. People, people.

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When I was a stewardess with Singapore Airlines, several lifetimes ago, some American passengers (only Americans, no exception) would comment on my English. A senior crew told me how to respond, and I did, every time. And it worked:

- Passenger: Your English is very good / You speak English so well.
- Me: So is yours / So do you.
- Passenger: *Walks quickly towards seat. No bantering with crew throughout the flight*

It was rude, especially for Singapore airlines crew but it was effective. Amazing how some would actually go on to say, "Yes, of course, but we're American."

These days, I just smirk and shake my head when people say such stupid things.

A friend of mine went to the U.S to visit family and wowed people who asked him about his origins (because of his accent) with tales of New Zealand. I particularly liked the fact he told them that we still lived in huts, the internet was banned by the tribal leaders as dark magic and that the threat of animal attacks was a daily part of life, necessitating everyone to have bow and arrow training from a young age.

Purple Rose said:

When I was a stewardess with Singapore Airlines, several lifetimes ago, some American passengers (only Americans, no exception) would comment on my English. A senior crew told me how to respond, and I did, every time. And it worked:

- Passenger: Your English is very good / You speak English so well.
- Me: So is yours / So do you.
- Passenger: *Walks quickly towards seat. No bantering with crew throughout the flight*

It was rude, especially for Singapore airlines crew but it was effective. Amazing how some would actually go on to say, "Yes, of course, but we're American."

These days, I just smirk and shake my head when people say such stupid things.

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Most people say to me, "You speak English good..." and I say, "No, I speak it well." =P which is a quip because I'm saying I speak it better than they do. Most blink and don't get it. So I have to explain the grammar rule to them, which just demonstrates I know English better than they do, and then they quickly walk away.... It's cruel, but I use it against the people that mean it in that comforting way.

*grins* That one works quite WELL. =P Nothing better than using what someone says and using it against them.

It also ends the "But I'm American" card too. If they continue, just pull out the grammar rules and continue to correct them. *grins* You're a writer, so I'm guessing you can do that.

I've developed these to a fine art. Most of them are designed to make the person think. When it works, it's like magic, because they suddenly go quiet, and you can see the wheels turning.

I have to admit that on an occasion or two, I've innocently said:

Ohhh, I love your accent. Where are you from?

The people never seemed to be offended, but now that I've read this thread, I wonder if my remarks were ignorant?

*Wonders if people could discern my sincerity*

Lavern08 said:

I have to admit that on an occasion or two, I've innocently said:

Ohhh, I love your accent. Where are you from?

The people never seemed to be offended, but now that I've read this thread, I wonder if my remarks were ignorant?

*Wonders if people could discern my sincerity*

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Ummmm, coming from you, Verny ... naaaah! No-one could possibly be offended by anything you say Your tone would make all the difference, I'm sure.