QUILTBAG general thread?

Hey to everyone!
Just wanted to say hello, and nice meeting you all.

I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to spent an entire month on AW without seeing this sub forum... I was actually wondering why there is not much discussion about GLBT in the other forums...
*banging my head on the wall*

Okay, I'm here now, and working my way through.

I hope it was okay to introduce myself here, otherwise please tell me where I should do this....

Hi! This is a good place for introductions. Sometimes we're very active here and sometimes it's a little slow. Welcome!

I admire your ability to let it go. I probably couldn't have, which may be why I don't get invited to many dinner parties.

It does seem like the sort of situation that calls for a very withering quip, however. "Yeah, real men don't tip either," or, "Real men don't want grease on their ties." How about: "Well, if a Real Man shows up you be sure and tell him. Meanwhile bring me a knife, please."

Whenever I find myself subsequently nursing a resentment over a situation like this, I find it therapeutic to come up with a list of fitting responses if for no other reason than to gird myself for the future (knowing full well that a similar situation is highly unlikely to be repeated).

Let's make a game of it....

kuwisdelu said:

Meh.

So we went out for a friend's 21st birthday today, and I ordered a burger.

I asked for a knife (to cut it in half), and the waitress told me "real men don't cut their burgers", and refused to bring me one.

I let it go, because I didn't want to get angry at my friend's party, but it upset me, and it's still bothering me.

What if I don't give a shit about being a real man. Fuck that noise.

Meh.

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I would have got up, found the manager, and asked him/her for a knife.

That way whenever I might think upon the waitress’s rudeness I could smile, imagining how she managed to explain why a costumer had to ask the manager for a knife.

kuwisdelu said:

Meh.

So we went out for a friend's 21st birthday today, and I ordered a burger.

I asked for a knife (to cut it in half), and the waitress told me "real men don't cut their burgers", and refused to bring me one.

I let it go, because I didn't want to get angry at my friend's party, but it upset me, and it's still bothering me.

What if I don't give a shit about being a real man. Fuck that noise.

Meh.

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W. T. Efffffff.

Neegh said:

I would have got up, found the manager, and asked him/her for a knife.

That way whenever I might think upon the waitress’s rudeness I could smile, imagining how she managed to explain why a costumer had to ask the manager for a knife.

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Kuwi, this is the way to go if that ever happens to you again except tell the manager why you had to go get a knife and quote the person word for word. I have a high tolerance for mess ups when I go out to eat, but little for shitty behavior.

^Yeah, this.

It does not matter how many bizarre requests you make when you're out to eat--the waitstaff's job is to provide that thing for you. Y'know, as long as they have the capacity and you're not being a shithead about it.

When I worked in a bakery-cafe, we had a LOT of weird requests. If we had the stuff to make it, we made it. Period.

ETA: Although I will add--there was one time where this guy wanted a different kind of salad dressing, or maybe he just didn't want as much, or something, I don't remember exactly, and I asked him if he wanted it on the side. Because sometimes that's easier. He gave me this offended look and said, "What?!? I'm not GAY!" My response: "Uhhhhhhhhhh, so, not on the side?" I still don't know what gears were turning in his head to draw that conclusion.

Who wants to be a real man .

I'm not anywhere on the QUILTBAG except for the fact I'm not disgusted by the idea of a relationship with a woman but she'd have to be amazing. I don't fancy many women (Joan Armatrading, Emma Thompson and Catherine Zeta Douglas being the exceptions)

My husband is working on being trans (so sometimes I'm married to a woman -- what does that make me?). Him becoming her doesn't bother me but I struggle with the particular woman he becomes - our daughter reckons he needs to spend a full week as her at some stage and I think she's right; my brother is intersexed; my mother had a lesbian relationship when I was in my teens; my eleven year old is bisexual and my best friend is gay.

I'm the only person I know in my life who had to come out as straight. Telling my mum I liked men was a concern and she's still not fully accepted my husband - although now he's not always a man.

what does that make me?

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A supportive spouse hopefully?

kuwisdelu said:

Meh.

So we went out for a friend's 21st birthday today, and I ordered a burger.

I asked for a knife (to cut it in half), and the waitress told me "real men don't cut their burgers", and refused to bring me one.

I let it go, because I didn't want to get angry at my friend's party, but it upset me, and it's still bothering me.

What if I don't give a shit about being a real man. Fuck that noise.

Meh.

Click to expand...

Agreed. I have had a WHOLE lifetime of this. It's the one hot-button topic that sets me off the most. Masculinity. The real men nonsense. I'm with you 100%. I might have said nothing previously...but today, I would have caused a scene until the knife was in my hand. And I would not have stopped there.

Sorry this happened to you.

When I encounter issues like the knife I tend to go for sarcasm -- My brother would probably have: "I'm not a real man, duck. Perhaps you'd rather I groped you. Now get me the knife, there's a dear."

RedRajah said:

A supportive spouse hopefully?

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Hopefully -- he has more issues with it than I do. In fact we had a row because when he told me he liked wearing my clothes (I was trying to have a lie-in) apparently I told him to not wear my tights because he'd stretch them and turned over. Apparently I should have been more upset because he'd spent a week trying to work out how to tell me. I'm more upset it took him ten years to tell me but his background is more right wing, Christian, Republican and American.

There are issues but purely because she's not the sort of woman I'd never usually hang out with not because she's a woman. (Seriously I never wear make up and she's a bit of a bimbo who's worried about chipping her nails). My only condition is we put the children first and take it at their pace. Our older one and younger one are just fine but our middle one struggles - but he is a nightmare for playing with dad's boobs when they are away in a box.

Aww, I'm sorry you went through that, Kuwi. Eff that waitress.

I'm trying not to laugh...but I think you knew we might. Boobs in a box. lol. I think you're great! The internal struggle in our heads is such a scream...I imagine once your husband's dust settled there was a huge sigh of relief. We work things up in our heads to monolithic proportions. I know I did when it came time to tell my son I was gay. I told my ex, I told my daughter, I told practically everyone...but I thought I would lose my son. His reaction was, "don't stretch my tights"...in a manner of speaking. He was more upset that I didn't feel comfortable broaching it with him. He knew. My god, everyone knew.

KTC said:

He was more upset that I didn't feel comfortable broaching it with him. He knew. My god, everyone knew.

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When I came out to my family, I decided to do it one by one.

... I forgot to come out to one of my sisters.

It came up during dinner conversation and I suddenly remembered. Her reaction was more or less "no shit." Which was an incredible relief. Two of my family members actually had the gall to insist I was wrong. Not, like, immoral-wrong, but as in factually incorrect. So "no shit, I figured it out years ago" was pretty gratifying to hear.

I admitted my bisexuality pretty easily to my family, but it was more of a... "I like girls too, so deal with it!" I even tried to explain to my mother and my brother's gf (at the time) why men like breasts. D:

I swore I told my childhood friends. I think.

My friends down here know. Some seem to forget! My bf knows, and he probably only accepted for dumb "that's hot" reasons. *rolls eyes*

His parents don't know, because they're the type to be judgemental. I've seen them call gays "sodomites" and talk against it too many times.

To be honest, the only thing that sucks is that even though I'm attracted to women, I'll never have the experience of being with one since getting boyfriends are easier. I've bern with this one for almost 6 years.

Call me silly.

In truth, I think love should be about the inside, not bound by genders or appearance.

I've realized my attraction works *totally* different for men and women. Like I don't find men physically attractive as women, but I like other things; the warmth of feeling safe for example.

*walks away grumbling, confused*

I told my parents I was asexual, and the next day my dad came back and said "I did some googling, and I'm pretty sure you're right." XD

My friends were initially a little more confused by the matter, but it wasn't long before it was just another thing about me that they knew. There was also a certain amount of "oh yeah that makes sense" and the occasional "Oh MAN I wish I was asexual too my love life is SO CONFUSING". It's hard to explain that being asexual makes all that even more confusing. There's a lot of nonverbal communication that I'm totally incapable of perceiving, making me hilariously clueless when it comes to that side of humanity.

My then-boyfriend broke up with me shortly after I figured it out, which I don't fault him for - I'm a nonsexual person, and he wanted something from me that we both knew I couldn't provide him with.

But my GOD do I ever want a boy/girlfriend. I'm not aromantic, I love the cuddling and the emotional closeness and the trust, I just don't want anything more than that. And it's really hard to find someone who's willing to have the same. Stupid hypersexual society…

KTC said:

He knew. My god, everyone knew.

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It was the same with my husband. I'd been waiting for him to come out and I was just relieved he wasn't gay. (I have a long back catalogue of gay exes -- the one who wasn't married a bloke because they were in love but he's still not gay).

Thanks to my middle child my poor hubby has had to repair his boobs more than once. But I confess when he first came out he used water filled condoms and I couldn't help but play with them when I was in the bathroom cupboard -- umm and I burst one.

ViridianChick said:

Not, like, immoral-wrong, but as in factually incorrect..

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Only once have I ever wanted to do that. A school administrator told me he was married -- I remember my daughter saying about one boy "If he's not questioning he should be." I think she was right.

Miss Strawberrii said:

His parents don't know, because they're the type to be judgemental. I've seen them call gays "sodomites" and talk against it too many times.

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That can be so hard.

StormChord said:

But my GOD do I ever want a boy/girlfriend. I'm not aromantic, I love the cuddling and the emotional closeness and the trust, I just don't want anything more than that. And it's really hard to find someone who's willing to have the same. Stupid hypersexual society…

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You kind of need an Asexual-R-Us where you can go and pick one off the shelf. Or my gran would tell you she'd knit you one.

Y'know one thing I never learned except through experience? You don't get to come out just the one time. You get to do it over and over and over, depending on which group of people is around you at any given time. My mom, dad, brother, and various friends and other family don't all live together or talk to each other, so I got to tell them one at a time basically. And I still haven't covered everyone. That's something I think older, more "experienced" queer folks should maybe prepare the young 'uns for--the idea of coming out multiple times to multiple people, who will most likely have multiple reactions.

@StormChord: Read this immediately.

Oh, sweet mother of macrame, this[sup]10[/sup]. When I was around 16, I thought "one and done". Didn't realize I was rehearsing a speech I'd have to give several times.

Right? It's not The Coming Out Speech. It's the first of *many* Coming Out Speeches, not to mention the added complication of figuring out "queer" but not learning all the words for what your actual orientation is until you've already done that speech a few times. Then you have to do it *again*.

In a weird way, I sort of envy celebrities who can just say it in an interview or awards ceremony. It's all over YouTube and Twitter in seconds--done.

Rhoda Nightingale said:

Right? It's not The Coming Out Speech. It's the first of *many* Coming Out Speeches, not to mention the added complication of figuring out "queer" but not learning all the words for what your actual orientation is until you've already done that speech a few times. Then you have to do it *again*.

In a weird way, I sort of envy celebrities who can just say it in an interview or awards ceremony. It's all over YouTube and Twitter in seconds--done.

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Not to mention it may need to be done again when your understanding of your orientation evolves if you're not one of those lucky people who know for sure you're Gay, Bi, or Lesbian. I've only told a couple people I'm Demisexual, and tend to say I'm lesbian just for simplicities sake.

^The 2 people I've tried to come out to as demisexual gave this look of relief and said, "So you're just confused!" So....yeah, I'm pretty much sticking with "bi" in lieu of trying to make them understand what words mean.