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Thread: Beta MG Fantasy (The Magician's Gambit) 53K

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  1. #1
    ... DanielaTorre's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011

    Talking Beta MG Fantasy 55K (Updated)

    I'm back! Last February, I had some delightfully awesome betas. I also had the most super-awesome beta last month which was sooooo helpful. Love her. Now I'm back for hopefully last beta rounds before I start querying (though I need to draft a brand-spanking new query first).

    PM me if you're interested. It's super clean and tight. Query-ready material I hope.

    Title: THE MAGICIANíS GAMBIT (55K words)

    Genre: Middle-Grade Fantasy

    Old query: (goals have changed, but premise the same)

    Eleven-year-old David Chaplin just got dragged to a new town for the third time in a year, and he canít figure out what keeps his skittish father on the move. Garishly dressed weirdos have since been stalking his house at night, and his father insists that thereís absolutely nothing to worry about.

    But when David confronts a particularly crafty weirdo with an annoying habit of vanishing into a puff of smoke, he finds out the truth about his father: heís a magician and a thief. Davidís father is on the run since stealing Halifacís Handófortunetelling cards that decide the fate of whoeverís fortune is read. David is horrified to discover that his fatherís old stage rival, Viktor Gervais, is after the cards and intends to use them to kill his father, as he once killed his mother.

    Unwilling to let Gervais take his father from him too, David vows to find Halifacís Hand before he can. But Davidís search is hindered when his father finds out that David has uncovered his secret past. He doesnít want him involved with magic, and threatens to wipe his memory of everything heís learned.

    Aided by transporting broom closets, marvelous marbles that can mend memories, and the clues within a curious combusting message, David must find and destroy Halifacís Hand in secret, at least if he wants to keep his memories of magic long enough to save his fatherís life.

    IMPORTANT NOTE: I need the feedback back no more than a month from now. I plan on entering some contest stuff that's coming up. If you can't get back to me in a month's time, please don't PM. Also, I'm 90% sure I'm nixing the intro, but I would like opinions.

    I have really, really thick skin and value honesty. Here are some excerpts from my writing. These are from last year I believe, and they've since been polished.

    Dialogue Excerpt:

    Last edited by DanielaTorre; 09-08-2013 at 09:26 PM. Reason: Updated.

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