Please tell me why you wouldn't buy this book.

The things that put me off are:

The MC's name, it seems too flippant for the story that goes with it.

The price. It's way too much for a short story by an unknown writer.

The premise: You have the makings of a much longer story here. You may want to look into that.

mccardey said:

*sigh*

Theunderground - apologies that the sigh above sounds a little bit like a criticism. It is a criticism. I made it because I really hate non-apology apologies. It's a thing of mine.

OldHack - sorry for dogpiling. My sorrow, however, was overwhelmed by my dislike of non-apology apologies.

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Hah! It's totally fine. Tbh, I wrote my reply on Iphone and wasn't really thinking about how it could come across (my original one). I am a great believer in telling it how it is but I know I need to be more careful when writing on forums, because the written word is never the same as how it may sound when saying it in person!

For the record, I really did not mean to be offensive in my original reply and I hope the OP did not take it as such.

Anyway - this is off-topic! Back to improving the OP's blurb!

Theundergroundauthor said:

Hah! It's totally fine. Tbh, I wrote my reply on Iphone and wasn't really thinking about how it could come across (my original one). I am a great believer in telling it how it is but I know I need to be more careful when writing on forums, because the written word is never the same as how it may sound when saying it in person!

For the record, I really did not mean to be offensive in my original reply and I hope the OP did not take it as such.

Anyway - this is off-topic! Back to improving the OP's blurb!

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Aw, bless. And welcome to AW.

OP: I quite liked the blurb and I thought the last sentence was very engaging. But that's just me.

It is awfully short though. If you're wondering why people aren't buying it, I'd say the short thing matters. It sounds kind of epic, and isn't.

I was really surprised by the short length, as well. The blurb goes into so much detail about the world setting and tells us virtually nothing about the characters - this tells me that the world is the thing you're trying to entice readers in with. But how much world building can you really do in 28 pages?

Tell us about the characters - it's entirely possible to have a deep, engaging and unusual world for a short story, but the focus needs to be on the characters and the short story they go through. Let our understanding and interest in the world develop through that.

With the price being what it is, and the short length being what that also is, why not try holding back on publishing until you've written a few shorts to go with it? Either release these one at a time and keep the price under 99p, or wait until you've written a few more and put them together for your £2.99.

It might help to convey the fact that the story is meant to be comedy if you throw a little humour into the blurb - another area where focusing on the characters rather than the setting will help.

ohthatmomagain said:

Well... I could be wrong, but I think $2.99 for 28 pages seems a little much. Is it a paperback or ebook?

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THIS

That's all I would have to see to move on. That's a crazy price for 28 pages. I couldn't imagine a single copy selling. Sorry...just trying to be honest.

Scope the market and see what the best price should be. For that many pages, I'm perplexed. I buy great full length novels for $0.99 sometimes.

You've had a lot of useful comments on the blurb and cover, so I'll note that it might be worth putting a small section (maybe the Kindle sample section?) up in the Share Your Work forum (password: vista) to get some comments on the actual writing.

I wasn't totally turned off by the blurb but when you mentioned later it was supposed to be comical/humorous (which makes sense, I suppose, for the recommended reading age), I admit I didn't see it like that.

Although, with a name like Flickerflame, I should have pinged on it. However, I don't find the name Flickerflame to be that comedic, just unfortunately uncomfortable.

The cover was pretty to me although I don't like the bit at the top where it says "Two Quests. Two Warriors. Nonstop action...". Just makes it a bit on the busy side for me and a bit misleading for it being so short. Epic implies long.

I do want to point out a bit of a disconnect for me with Flickerflame and being a warrior of the order but not wanting to lead a regiment. If he doesn't want to fight, then the focus on the warrior bit is a little confusing. Why would he be in an order as their warrior if he didn't want to be a warrior? Ex-soldier, sure. Previous-warrior-for-hire? I totally get. It was just confusing to me why he would be a warrior and not want to fight.

And then, why would a warrior need a bodyguard?

Could also be me being all pedantic and literal and totally missing the point when I probably shouldn't.

All things considered, I must be one of the few that would possibly pay $2.99 for 28 pages but the Look Inside would really have to knock my socks off.

EMaree said:

You've had a lot of useful comments on the blurb and cover, so I'll note that it might be worth putting a small section (maybe the Kindle sample section?) up in the Share Your Work forum (password: vista) to get some comments on the actual writing.

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Agreed.

I'd also like to commend you on such grace in the face of the criticisms you've received. Well done! On that alone, I'd be inclined to read your work.

$0.99 at most, imo

uscgbyron said:

Does it scream poor quality?

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Yes - the wording, the grammar, and punctuation flubs especially.

uscgbyron said:

Am I priced too high? Is the cover off? The blurb? All three? I want to know what I'm doing wrong here, so I can start focusing of brushing up my skills in that area.

The blurb/back cover copy:
Novella
Recommended Ages: 14+

The year is 912 of the Second Age and Church's power has been shattered by the Dark Tides. The survivors and refugees have retreated to the Holy Island and founded two cities, Chastity and Purity, where they hope to find some safety.

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Here I'm thinking the when, the what, the who, and where? Safety from what?

uscgbyron said:

Ruled by The Order of Paladins, the island has known some peace, mostly due to the efforts of The Order's warrior's battling on the mainland

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No real answers here to the questions of the first bit. Also, the wording here is off and doesn't jive with the wording of the first bit, "some peace" and "mostly due" particularly.

The Order who?

I think you mean "warriors" without the apostrophe, unless your Order has but one warrior. If that's the case, lose the "s" altogether.

uscgbyron said:

This grim time brings us two unlikely heroes. Sir James Flickerflame, a warrior of The Order, who would much prefer leading Vespers to leading a regiment. His companion and bodyguard, Wain of the Mountaintop Clan, a tough, stocky, short barbarian from the highlands.

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The names - Flickerflame and Mountaintop Clan - are too much, unless you're going for comedy and I didn't get that impression.

"tough, stocky, short" - ahhh! The adjectives are attacking!

All heros are unlikely. Yours actually sound like unlikely friends, they're so different and without an apparent/obvious common link or background.

uscgbyron said:

This collection contains the first two quests that these companions embark on, with an eye towards aiding the war effort against the Dark Tides and encouraging the people of the Holy Island. Oh, and because they are told to do so and The Order takes unkindly to shirkers.

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Mixing your wording again here - traditional epic quest-like v flippant.

uscgbyron said:

Full sized image of coverart with no purchase option is here.

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Nice!

uscgbyron said:

Estimated at 28 pages in length. Priced at $2.99.

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The cover art and the description of this as a two-quest collection led me to believe this would be a fairly lengthy piece. Are these 28 pages enormous? Personally, I can't see paying $3 for a short story.

I agree with whoever said that the first sentence of your blurb sucks. It does. The rest of it is actually alright, although it could be better as it gives a good sense of the world but not of any sort of character conflict. That first sentence needs to be changed though.

If you want a crit on your blurb you should post it in SYW, not here.