So, this might be kind of long, but I think it's significant. About 7 weeks ago, due to a pretty major meltdown and finally succumbing to the realization that I've lived with anxiety and depression for way too long and it seems to be getting worse, I went to the doctor and to put on Lexapro. The journey over those seven weeks has been interesting, but I can definitely say that I am much more balanced, leveled out, and soooo much less stressed and anxious now. In fact, I didn't realize just how bad the anxiety had gotten. It was almost constant. I know that now because I'm living anxiety-free (well, for the most part, I'm still human, LOL) and it's such a game-changer.
Anyway, I picked up my WIP that I've been ignoring for a long time. When COVID hit and everything shut down, I began working from home and really thought I'd get back to writing and have a great time with it. My anxiety had other plans though. So, I didn't write. Or rather, I'd try and get frustrated or have major insecurity and self-doubt about my writing and give up. I'd try to start new WIPs that I thought might be "better" and then I'd lose interest in those and scrap them.
Luckily, I kept the story that I've had in my head and been slowly plugging away at for...years. I dusted it back off recently and have been plugging away again. And the most miraculous thing has happened. I no longer obsess over my writing not being good enough. I read back over it sometimes and think to myself "well this is crap" but I just shrug it off and keep typing. Sometimes even while I'm typing I'm thinking how bad it is, but...it doesn't bother me. It's like I can deal with it and it doesn't kill my motivation to keep on keeping on!
I just crossed 20,000 words in this WIP, and I'm pretty sure I've never written that much on one project before. I have yet to complete anything that I've started writing. Today, for the first time, I had the inkling of a feeling that this will be the one. And I let myself imagine what it will feel like to actually finish it and write The End. And it felt so good just thinking about it. It doesn't seem impossible. I don't care that it's going to be a first draft full of flaws. I don't even care if it never sees the light of day (though honestly there's a sparkle of hope that it will). I just want the accomplishment of finishing it. That's it. And if I don't I don't...but I really think I will. It may take me a few more years to finish it. That's okay too.
Anyway, I'm excited. I'm going to try to do NaNo...though as a rebel. My plan is to have 50k words total by the end of November, and since I'm already just over 20k, that's obviously not within the normal rules of NaNo. That's fine. I just want to make significant progress. 50k will probably be about halfway of this book (it's a fantasy), and just thinking of reaching that milestone fills me with excitement.
That's it!
I'm sorry.
I feel a bit bugged by those comments because, yeah, my debut I took 4 years to write, did flop. But mostly I'm just like... dude... who ARE you, what qualifies your statements, and what achievements have you built that high horse on?
