QUESTION TO PONDER

My opinion is that a woman and a man cannot be _close_ friends without one party falling for the other at some point.

jsando said:

My opinion is that a woman and a man cannot be _close_ friends without one party falling for the other at some point.

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Ditto. Both might claim to want nothing else, but one (or both) is always lying, sometimes to themselves, as well.

Rob

why on earth would anyone want a friend?

William Haskins said:

why on earth would anyone want a friend?

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To help you put up hurricane shutters...

Rob

William Haskins IS my best friend.

I have no social life.

jsando said:

My opinion is that a woman and a man cannot be _close_ friends without one party falling for the other at some point.

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Assuming both parties are straight.

Ok, I guess I have the unpopular view that yep, men and women can be JUST friends, close friends. I've always had more male friends than female. Females do wierd things like paint their nails, do thier hair, and shop...FOR FUN! Ugh. Guys tend to do fun stuff like shoot hoops, go camping, and play cards (at least the guys I hang out with). One of my very best friends is a guy I've known since we were both in diapers...he's married, I'm married, yet we're still friends. All through high school I hung out with guys, even went camping with them for three, four days at a time...and we were just friends. I seriously never felt anything more for them than a friendly love. It was almost like having a bunch of brothers.

storygirl said:

It was almost like having a bunch of brothers.

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'Cept they all want you.

Rob

robeiae said:

'Cept they all want you.

Rob

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Yeah right. Trust me, that was rarely an issue. That was one advantage of having the voluptuous figure of a 12 yr old boy.

I agree that a man and a woman can be just friends, but those friendships are rare (and wonderful). It takes a lot of maturity and well-defined boundaries on both sides.

I think it depends on the individual parties. There are several men that I am friends with, that I can't even begin to think of in a sexual way, and we'll always be "just friends." On the other hand, I have a couple of male friends that I do find very attractive, and if I wasn't married I'd probably pounce on them in a second. It's a question of drawing a line for yourself and knowing when not to cross it.

Yes. No.

Story - don't kid yourself. You may have been built like a pipe cleaner, but that doesn't mean they didn't all want to have their way with you.

Ultimately, the fact that one party may want something other than friendship doesn't mean that they can't be friends. I have a friend that I've known for 15 years and when we first met, I totally wanted to take her to bed. But that didn't happen. Once I accepted that our relationship was never going to include sex, being friends with her was no problem at all (though when she came to my wedding, I definitely got the impression she was having some "what if" thoughts of her own).

No matter what Harry said to Sally, it can be done.

storygirl said:

Ok, I guess I have the unpopular view that yep, men and women can be JUST friends, close friends. I've always had more male friends than female. Females do wierd things like paint their nails, do thier hair, and shop...FOR FUN! Ugh. Guys tend to do fun stuff like shoot hoops, go camping, and play cards (at least the guys I hang out with). One of my very best friends is a guy I've known since we were both in diapers...he's married, I'm married, yet we're still friends. All through high school I hung out with guys, even went camping with them for three, four days at a time...and we were just friends. I seriously never felt anything more for them than a friendly love. It was almost like having a bunch of brothers.

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I agree with you. I've nearly always had more female friends than male friends. I know it's possible for males and females to be close friends without the sex/love entanglement.

storygirl said:

That was one advantage of having the voluptuous figure of a 12 yr old boy.

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Hmmmmm, sounds like Michael Jackson would want you!!!!!!!!!






(running for cover)

Brady

I have wondered this myself. From my point of view, most definietly a man and woman can be just friends. Hubby thinks a little differently, though, and most guys I know think the exact same way he does. According to them, guys aren't able to be just friends without at least wondering from time to time what it would be like to have sex with her. I have guy friends that I have never thought anything like that at ALL about, but according to the guys I know...all guys prowl, actively or mentally, at some point.

I put forth the evidence:

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. ~Oscar Wilde

AND

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. ~Henry Kissinger (ok, not so much evidence, just a good quote)

This being said, I think there can be rare cases of friendship. But for the most part, there is always some sort of sexual tension. (if they're both straight)

Depends on size shape age etc. either you find them atractive or you don't.
Morals come into play or should and it never goes any further.
But if you find someone really attractive you are always going to think hmm "I wonder what that tastes like".

Having really attractive opposite sex friends is not easy on a marriage, unless both partners are very secure.
I've had friends in this situation, none are still married.
I've been married 30 yrs this year. There are no issues but it takes a lot of work!

friendship is such a case-by-case amalgam of emotions, motives and opportunity, that it's impossible to categorically state the various elements that make up even one human relationship.

I have had close male friends my whole life. So if I am destined to fall for them or be fallen for a) I have a backlog of 20-30 guys to get through, b) it's taking a while and c) some of them will have to stop being gay or stop loving theior wives for this to happen.

Frankly I have never understood people who have close friends only of their onw sex. How does that happen?

If they're both Scorpios, they don't even have to be straight to generate sexual tension.

But sexual tension doesn't preclude friendship. Just spices it up a bit. I have a silly tendency to find everyone I care about attractive. Doesn't mean anything has to be done about it.

(I actually think it's more amazing that my dear friend who is a devout Muslim can stand to be friends with me. To her, most of my lifestyle is a mortal sin, and we still respect each other and care about each other and support each other in our very different goals for our lives. No...similar goals, just very different routes.)

Of course it is possible. consider this recent conversation with my wife:

"Dear, why did you have to wait until we were married to become a virgin?"

[silence]

She's my best friend too.

And as far as Sara's sexual tension, I find that self awareness studies in the vicinity of William Haskin's tombstone generally maintains a yoga-like peace and personality balance.

Hmmmm, that’s a good one. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I think it’s very, very hard to have a friendship between a man and a woman without some kind of tension on at least one side. I’m not saying it’s impossible, mind you, just very, very hard.

I’ve known many women who I’ve totally loved as friends ONLY and 99% of the time there eventually came a point where they would want a little more. I’d start getting the vibe and then I’d start to feel bad because I couldn’t reciprocate so I’d begin to adjust my behavior and kinda walk on eggshells around them to not inadvertantly give them the wrong impression. After a while the whole relationship would become a strain because of the tension I felt.

There’ve also been many times when the shoes been on the other foot and I’ve begun developing desires beyond friendship with women who were totally content to stay friends. I must confess I have a bad habit of letting this happen with women who are married. That’s why you’ll hear me and many guys lament how the best ones are always married.

I’m guessing that maybe since the guy goes in knowing that nothing’s gonna happen he goes in with his guard down and whammo! In slips the knife.

Either that or if she’s not married, he knows she just wants to be friends and if there’s one thing a man can’t stand it’s to desire somebody who doesn’t desire them. Once again – tension.

Next thing he knows he’s torturing himself because he’s wanting something he shouldn’t be wanting and he’s breaking an implicit agreement that he won’t want it. But the poor dumb bastard can’t help himself!

Yeah, it’s tough…

I too have had far more female friends than male over the years, and good, meaningful friendships. Yet I have to admit to wondering what it would be like to snog just about every one of them. I don't believe it's possible for anyone to be friends with an attractive individual of the gender you are normally attracted to and not have the thought of having sex with them cross your mind at some point. Biology would make that virtually impossible.

What allows the friendship to work is accepting that it's natural for you to find an attractive person attractive, and knowing where the boundaries are.