Ask A Stupid Question, Get a Stupid Answer (Volume II)

Silly, cuz men don't have feelings.


Can you knock the hustle?

First, make sure you’re wearing gloves. You don’t want the little bastard to bite you. Or worse yet, squirt you. Then wait until the sun is fully gone. Even the faintest hint of sunlight on the horizon will make this creature wary.

There have even been reports of it responding to depictions of sunlight on TV and other media devices so make sure they’re all turned off too. As a matter of fact, turn off all the lights in your house, apartment or cave.

Be very quiet. Approach slowly and cautiously. Don’t even think about holding it while you attempt to get near. In fact, it’s probably best to just clear your mind of everything. Count your breaths: five deep in, five deep out. Nice and slow.

Now don’t look directly at it; look slightly away. Maybe keep it in sight out of the corner of your eye. If you can, studies have shown the best way is to keep your eyes closed. If you can’t do that, practice with an eye mask or something.

Most of the time, as you get close, you’re going to hear it mumbling to itself. Probably going over that one time in class, how you got caught picking your nose or farted out loud or something. Or maybe the time someone you liked smiled and asked you a question and you widened your eyes like an owl, replied “Blurgh” and ran away.

Don’t let it faze you. Ignore all that. It’s just another of the beast’s self-defense mechanisms. Like I said earlier, it can hear your thoughts, so slow them down, quiet them up. Think a blanket in a forest at dusk, sunset on a faraway shore, lying in the grass under a full moon.

Someone told me they did an experiment in a lab, a long time ago, the creature was fascinated by rows and rows of countless sheep being paraded before it.

I don’t know, whatever works.

Now, lie down next to it. Nice and easy. You’re a shadow. You’re a ninja. You’re a gentle breeze come to caress. Extend your hand (it’s gloved, right?) and softly pet it. Stroke it. There you go. You hear it purr contentedly now. You can almost see a slight smile on its face.

Now – grab the sunovabitch by the neck and don’t let go! Hold on to it as tight as you can no matter how it squirms and squeals! It’ll fight. It’ll buck. It’ll probably even squirt if you squeeze enough. But you’ve got it! You’ve done it! The creature is yours! Congratulations!

And that, my friend, is how it’s done.

You’re welcome.




Q: Would you recommend a psychiatrist or an asylum?

Tuesday still has the dead weight of Monday dragging it down while it struggles to get over the hump of Wednesday.



Who put the “bop” in the bop de bop de bop?

Part of a nutritional balanced breakfast for those of us with no teeth. Add blended bacon and uncooked eggs with velveeta processed squishy cheese-type food and mmmmmmmmmmm!


Where is Joe goin with that gun in his hand?

Saying goodbye to the leprechauns and loading them back on the bus.


Whatever happened to that kid who was able to wiggle his ears and eyes at the same time?

[FONT=&quot]Why? I’ll tell you why.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]To put it plainly, sir - Male Models is the candidate we need. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Born in 1919, Male Models is the child of immigrants: Ayrplane Models, an eccentric inventor, and Lucinda Mannequin, a former Miss Galaxy winner.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]After graduating with honors from the Academy of Beautific Physiognomy – where he majored in Runway Prancing and Static Anatomy, he traveled to Europe, where he toured the war-torn nations and wowed them with his three-legged runway walk.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Due to prestigious connections he made while there, he was appointed to the Illuminati European Council where he served with distinction until his hernia and subsequent full-body restoration in 2009. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Now, instilled in a much younger human body, Mr. Models is ready to return to his native land of America and run for President of the Shadow Government.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]And to be quite frank, I have never met a man more qualified. His grace, his finesse, his limberness, his stuttering lizard-talk – all speak of his years of training and his qualifications as the shadow leader of this great nation.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Male Models, the leader we need. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]No, the leader we deserve![/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Why do people park in driveways yet drive on parkways?[/FONT]