Last year I posted this in SYW, and a certain little undead doggie said he wanted to see it again next Christmas. So, by popular demand, I re-present my Christmas Poem.
... you will note I am not posting this in SYW. It went there last year, you were all very nice about it, I fixed it accordingly. This time it's just for fun.
All I Want for Christmas
Didn’t mean to kill the fat man
Couldn’t stop in time
Thought him some drunk reveler
A little too much wine
Or because he wore the beard and suit
Sloshed on too much nog
Regardless which I hit him soundly
Fell just like a log
Then left me puzzled by his smile
An odd thing on his lips
Bleeding out upon the street,
Body twisted ‘round his hips
Sprawled upon new-fallen snow
Saw his life slip past
Pale white skin and crimson stains
Red and white of Christmas
I remember idly wondering
Where he’d left his sleigh
Before the sound of jingle bells
Chased idle thoughts away
Less over river, through the woods
More of string at grave
Pulled upon unceasingly yet
No one who will save
Instead feet stomping fresh ground
Until there’s no more sound
Nothing tiny about reindeer
Certainly not eight, no
(Eight, not nine – no shiny nose
Though weirdness even so)
Asking ‘self which suburbanite
Took trimmings just too far
Someone’s warped idea of festive
Traipsing round my car
With flinty hooves and antlers now
Herding me instead
Keeping me beside the body
Filling me with dread
Dead Santa’s belly all a-quivering
No bowl of jelly here
Instead see hordes of chitinous things
Skin crawls with more than fear
The suit’s alive though tattered felt,
Fur trim stained and dusty
Smells of things best buried wet
Left damp and slightly musty
It crawls and creeps and so does come
In part by no small measure
With clicking claws and creeping tendrils
My warm body it does treasure
A sentient being through and through
No errant garland ‘neath the tree
This thing snakes itself around my foot
To wrap and bind and snare me
A beard sprouts, itchy with new growth
And biting little fleas
A tangled mass of grey that threatens
To stifle, smother me
Wide belt cinches, things pool around my gut
Latching to my sides
Try not to think of scarab eyes and things
That like to dig inside
No reindeer games this night,
Antlers prod and goad
Promising to gore and skewer
Should I head for the road
From shadows, elves with sharkish teeth
In twisted wicked grins
Yellowed claws go snicker-snack
Sink into my skin
All pointy hats and pointy faces
Pointy teeth that gnash
They drag me over to the sleigh
My hands to reins they lash
Soon enough it’s plain to see
Why my predecessor ran
Took off in haste, and seized his chance
Knew dying’s better than
Being forced all night to fly around
And go from house to house
By creatures, stirring, all foul intent
And the quiet of a mouse
At each new home they enter in
Wee ones to spy upon
Things to leave to break and splinter
No joy to greet the dawn
Toys to them just a foul pursuit
Dark things to fill a sack
It’s the screams of little children
Which keep them coming back
So they plunged me into the role
To soar at dizzying height
As icy cold and frost and wind
Prolong unending night
This Santa doesn’t “ho ho ho”
I’ve no reason to be merry
It’s lack of air, gasping for breath
Turns my face red like a cherry
You see all I want for Christmas
Is to escape what lies for me
What waits there frozen at the pole
New horrors there shall be
Instead I wait while evil gnomes
Crawl past sleeping heads
Intent on leaving some new thing
To torment those in beds
Left hoping the sleigh takes turns too sharp
And I fall upon some spire
Or failing that, to hurl myself down in
Where chimneys promise fire
So if by chance you see me soon
On corner street or mall
You’d best stay off of Santa’s lap
Heed not the siren call
Tuck tight your children on Christmas Eve
Don’t let your small ones wake
In hopes that they might glimpse
A Santa that’s no fake
For this is no jolly elf they’ll see
(Though them you need not tell)
Just only me locked inside the suit
And a cold unending hell
... you will note I am not posting this in SYW. It went there last year, you were all very nice about it, I fixed it accordingly. This time it's just for fun.
All I Want for Christmas
Didn’t mean to kill the fat man
Couldn’t stop in time
Thought him some drunk reveler
A little too much wine
Or because he wore the beard and suit
Sloshed on too much nog
Regardless which I hit him soundly
Fell just like a log
Then left me puzzled by his smile
An odd thing on his lips
Bleeding out upon the street,
Body twisted ‘round his hips
Sprawled upon new-fallen snow
Saw his life slip past
Pale white skin and crimson stains
Red and white of Christmas
I remember idly wondering
Where he’d left his sleigh
Before the sound of jingle bells
Chased idle thoughts away
Less over river, through the woods
More of string at grave
Pulled upon unceasingly yet
No one who will save
Instead feet stomping fresh ground
Until there’s no more sound
Nothing tiny about reindeer
Certainly not eight, no
(Eight, not nine – no shiny nose
Though weirdness even so)
Asking ‘self which suburbanite
Took trimmings just too far
Someone’s warped idea of festive
Traipsing round my car
With flinty hooves and antlers now
Herding me instead
Keeping me beside the body
Filling me with dread
Dead Santa’s belly all a-quivering
No bowl of jelly here
Instead see hordes of chitinous things
Skin crawls with more than fear
The suit’s alive though tattered felt,
Fur trim stained and dusty
Smells of things best buried wet
Left damp and slightly musty
It crawls and creeps and so does come
In part by no small measure
With clicking claws and creeping tendrils
My warm body it does treasure
A sentient being through and through
No errant garland ‘neath the tree
This thing snakes itself around my foot
To wrap and bind and snare me
A beard sprouts, itchy with new growth
And biting little fleas
A tangled mass of grey that threatens
To stifle, smother me
Wide belt cinches, things pool around my gut
Latching to my sides
Try not to think of scarab eyes and things
That like to dig inside
No reindeer games this night,
Antlers prod and goad
Promising to gore and skewer
Should I head for the road
From shadows, elves with sharkish teeth
In twisted wicked grins
Yellowed claws go snicker-snack
Sink into my skin
All pointy hats and pointy faces
Pointy teeth that gnash
They drag me over to the sleigh
My hands to reins they lash
Soon enough it’s plain to see
Why my predecessor ran
Took off in haste, and seized his chance
Knew dying’s better than
Being forced all night to fly around
And go from house to house
By creatures, stirring, all foul intent
And the quiet of a mouse
At each new home they enter in
Wee ones to spy upon
Things to leave to break and splinter
No joy to greet the dawn
Toys to them just a foul pursuit
Dark things to fill a sack
It’s the screams of little children
Which keep them coming back
So they plunged me into the role
To soar at dizzying height
As icy cold and frost and wind
Prolong unending night
This Santa doesn’t “ho ho ho”
I’ve no reason to be merry
It’s lack of air, gasping for breath
Turns my face red like a cherry
You see all I want for Christmas
Is to escape what lies for me
What waits there frozen at the pole
New horrors there shall be
Instead I wait while evil gnomes
Crawl past sleeping heads
Intent on leaving some new thing
To torment those in beds
Left hoping the sleigh takes turns too sharp
And I fall upon some spire
Or failing that, to hurl myself down in
Where chimneys promise fire
So if by chance you see me soon
On corner street or mall
You’d best stay off of Santa’s lap
Heed not the siren call
Tuck tight your children on Christmas Eve
Don’t let your small ones wake
In hopes that they might glimpse
A Santa that’s no fake
For this is no jolly elf they’ll see
(Though them you need not tell)
Just only me locked inside the suit
And a cold unending hell
