Please critique the overview for my proposal.

I have finally gotten off my duff and started my proposal. I have already changed it many times based on what I understood in Mark Larsen's book of how to do it. It's funny, but I completely understand what he says goes into the Overview and how it applies to many things, but I am completely lost when it comes to a memoir! His book makes perfect sense if I wanted to do a "How To" style book - but memoirs? I'm completely lost.

I have gotten such good feedback on how to word things and make them sound better and I am VERY grateful for all the help.
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Introduction
Overview

The Armed Forces of the United States is the largest work force in America. There are approximately three million men and women currently serving in the military and the numbers continues to rise. The average person joining the military is between eighteen and twenty-four, fresh out of high school or college.
Our military personnel take an oath to protect our country against all enemies, both foreign and domestic, and to follow orders to ensure the safety and security of the nation. Our military does its job well. However, in 1968 with the massacre of men, women, and children at My Lai, the media brought attention to problems in the Armed Forces. In 1991, the media reported the scandal of Tailhook. Then came the mistreatment of prisoners of war at Abu Grabin in 2004. Since then the news media, CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX, and CBS, have reported about military women being raped, sexually assaulted, and sexually harassed in the service.
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics in 2008 reported that (within the civilian sector) one in eight females age twelve and over are raped. According to the Bureau, when alcohol was removed from the equation, this number fell to one in eight females.
In 2008, the Department of Defense reported that one in three women are raped in the military.
Silent No More: A Soldier's Story of Surviving Military Sexual Trauma is the first book written by a female soldier. I spent twelve years in the United States Army. I speak of my good times, my husband, children, the multiple rapes and the journey in learning to overcome my past. The manuscript is complete in draft form at _____ pages. The names have been changed for safety reasons.
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I don't know why Larsen says to use number of pages as opposed to number of words. The changed names, he says to use for liabilities that publishers worry about.

I'm also still editing so it's not really complete yet, but I'm kind of working on everything at the same time and I swear things are constantly changing.

Thanks again for all the help.
Candy

What happened to the indentation? Hmmmm.

Thanks.

Looks like I got ahead of myself while I was typing. It's supposed to be one in six and then take away the alcohol it drops to one in eight. Thanks for catching that!

According to Larsen (and he's supposedly the best for nonfiction proposals) using stats, it's suppose to show a market for this type of book. Quite frankly? stats put me to sleep too! I don't see where they work in my type of proposal. Query? Yes. Proposal? Not in this instance.

Yeah, using all the initials for the news media made it look like alphabet soup, but I wasn't sure if I should leave it at the "news media" or put the actual organizations that did the reporting. I used the actual stations in my query buut now the proposal wants to drive me to drink!

Thanks again.

Candy

Thanks Derek. I remember taking Statistics in college and I was so lost. I think it was the only math course that I ever had problems with.

Your explanation is the first one to actually make some sense to me. It also gives me a better idea of what I should say. Larsen's book is great but for a memoir - I'm totally lost and trying to follow his pattern, only loses me more.

I have my chapter outline done. The similar books section is done. I've only found four that come close to mine, but only one is from a male perspective. In reality, I think mine would be the first sole female point of view. One book was written by a journalist who interviewed several women and wrote the stories on five. The last book, I'm not even sure about. It was written by a lieutenant who was part of the first class of cadets to go through Annapolis. From what I've read, she fictionalized two women, but told the stories of rape and harassment. If memory serves, the book was listed as nonfiction, but I can't remember. I've ordered the book from the library and I'll see what happens then. If it's fiction - then I can just list it as such, but if it's nonfiction, then I'll need to bring in the part about the fictional characters. But as far as the "similar books," that part is done. I've had to add a couple of blog sites that deal with MST because the books just aren't there.

The market section is a little iffy. I'm not sure where I can go with that. The military is the largest work force in the US. It comprises men and women between ages 28 and 24, fresh out of high school or college. All branches are reporting that there is an increase in enlistment between 6% and 8%. They base these figures on the downed economy. When the economy gets turned around, then they have trouble getting and keeping people to enlist.

Platform? I'm sunk. I don't have one and have no idea how to get one. I've recently become involved with "A Black Rose" which is an organization that helps get the word out to Congress and the President about what really goes on in the military. I've posted to a few military rape blogs, but that's really about the extent. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost.

The first two chapters are done - for the moment. I'm working on the third and when it's done - I'll shove it in a drawer and come back in a couple of weeks to re-edit it. That seems to be the general consensus and it works!

I think that if I do it like you mention, then I'll have an easier time. I can be professional but for something like this - it's difficult to keep professional in a business sense on something that doesn't happen to everybody. Everybody can buy a computer, but not everybody will be raped. Know what I mean? Does that make sense?

Again, thanks so much for your advice. It definitely makes more sense to me.

Candy

Thanks for the book. I guess my searching is narrower. That book NEVER showed on any of my searches. I looked through B&N and Amazon. Two keep showing up: The Lonely Solider and For Love of Country. First Class and Life Isn't Fair and now this one, never showed up in my searches. Looks like I need to order this one from the library as well.

I looked at that book and it's about 300 pages - sure hope I can get mine that low!

Candy

Thanks for the advice. I think this proposal thing is an agent thing. Some of the agents I've come across say they want one because it's nonfiction. Most seem to say that although a memoir IS nonfiction it's done like fiction. Scary thought!

I read on Michael Larsen's guidelines that he actually expects you to read and follow his book. It's a good book and don't get me wrong - you can tell from my first post that it doesn't seem to work real well for memoirs.

A question: in the 'similar books' category, does fiction really count? I mean people who read memoirs do so because they're non-fiction as opposed to fiction. I would think comparing fiction to memoir wouldn't be accurate, and would take a whole lot more searching. I mean, shoot, rape is a plot line in oodles of novels.

That's a real good question. I've been searching for books on military rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, but all in the nonfiction genre. I'm ASSuming that since mine would be nonfiction then that's what I need to compare it to. I'm probably wrong but ... I can't think of anything else. I do know that more and more blogs are popping up like weeds but books are a different matter. I'm thinking that if I were to include fiction then I probably would stand an ice cubes chance in Hades. Can I say that I'm confoosed? (That's one stage below being confused! )

Truthfully? I'm thinking anyone over eighteen and even THINKING about going into the military could be my target audience. According to what I have been able to find out. Fifteen percent of the military (in general) is made up of women. I think that's from 2009. It might be 2008, I'll need to double check. The 1 in 6, the Justice Dept is the one that included females over 12. They also base their numbers on incest as well.

I'm thinking that IF an agent wants a proposal - I'll have one ready. If they DON'T - then no need to send one. Sounds like a danged if I do and danged if I don't. It doesn't sound like proposals are very common for memoirs to me and I can only think of one agent that says he wants one. For that agent - shoot he may be trying to just sell more of his book!

Thanks again for all the help.

Candy

I'll try to be a little more clear on this: females is a pretty generic term. A dog, tree, etc. can be female. Since I'm guessing that 12 year olds wouldn't be your target audience and they eventually become 20 and 30 year olds, you could easily solve this problem by saying "1 in 6 women in the US are raped", period. (There was just a discussion on Jezebel on the use of 'female' recently, coincidentally enough, and it was not regarded positively.)

Can you tell I'm ex-military? You're right about what you say about "females." I'll make sure I change that to girls (12 y/o aren't exactly women) and women.

Definitely sounds like it's one of those better to have it and not need it as need it and not have it. If nothing else, it will give me some practice in writing them.

CAndy