you had set the pile on-fire. To make matters worse, earlier, when filling your chainsaw you splashed gasoline on yourself, and your gasoline soaked clothing starts to burn. Fortunately...
Fortunately...unfortunately
- Thread starter QueenB
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...the material your clothing (your "monster" costume") is made of is a new, space-age substance which is totally fireproof and in which you are completely safe. Unfortunately...
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...the mob now thinks you are some sort of extraterrestrial and advance on you with murderous intent. Fortunately...
...an iridescent bubble floats in, and a beautiful woman emerges. She explains that she is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, and that all you have to do is click your heels together three times to get out of this mess. You try it. Unfortunately...
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...you are wearing your favorite six inch stiletto heels because you thought, oddly correct, that they would help with your climb onto the roof. However, you twist your ankle attempting to click your heels. Fortunately...
...your neighbor is an orthopedist, and when he looks out his window and sees your plight, he rushes over, climbs to your roof and bandages your ankle, saying "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning." Unfortunately...
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...the angry mob becomes more enraged, viewing the act of kindness as collaboration, and start pelting you and your neighbor with last year's fruitcake. Fortunately...
...a troop of Girl Scouts (wearing masks and accompanied by a parent) comes along selling cookies, which are delicious and now come in varieties like mint, lemon, peanut butter and caramel. The mob is distracted by all these flavors and moves away from your house in order to buy some of the goodies. This allows you to descend from the roof and barricade yourself indoors. Unfortunately...
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...smoke from the leaf fire still blazing outside has filled your house and set off all your smoke detectors. Fortunately...
...you know all about smoke detectors (having worked as a smoke detector installer in your youth), and you run around the house and turn off all the alarms. Unfortunately...
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...in your haste you forgot about your injured ankle, which now resembles a hideously disfigured eggplant. Fortunately...
A Nigerian prince who you befriended on the internet is willing to skirt the export prohibition on an ancient potion that will cure such ailments. He will have to bribe customs officials and airline shipping clerks, and they will only accept US dollars. Unfortunately...
...you have only $10.78 to your name (having lost a rather large sum at the racetrack), so you decline the prince's kind offer. But your ankle is getting worse by the minute, and your friendly orthopedist tells you the only solution is amputation. This is a bit of a disappointment. Fortunately...
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...she tells you about a new prosthesis program modeled on Cyberpunk, which makes you think you may become the Bionic Man. Unfortunately...
. . . you still have only $10.78 to your name which is no where near enough. Fortunately . . .
...a black van comes speeding along, and as it disappears around the bend, something tumbles from its rear door onto the road. It is a black lacquer box with a gold dragon design, and when you open it, you find stacks of bills that, at a glance, must amount to at least $100,000! Since you have no idea to whom it belongs or where the van has gone, you mutter "finders keepers" and resolve to keep the money. Unfortunately...
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...the Girl Scouts have all climbed into their respective mom's minivans and departed, leaving the less angry, but still disgruntled mob wiping crumbs and itching for a fight. They were also aware of the black van spilling it's contents and begin to trundle in your direction. Fortunately...
...you see them coming from a distance and look around for a place to hide the black box. After a few seconds, you see an old tree with a hole in its trunk. You stick the box in the hole, figuring you will outwit the mob and come back for the box later. Unfortunately...
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...the family of squirrels living in the hole do not take kindly to the intrusion of the box, being far too large for their den and clashing with the wallpaper. With a mighty team effort they thrust it back out of the hole, chittering curses upon you. Fortunately...
...you catch the box before it hits the ground and look around frantically for another hiding place. A small, dark pond! The money will get wet, of course, but currency is durable, and you will dry it out later. You drop the box in, still confident that you will outwit the loutish mob. Unfortunately...
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...as the box is disappearing in the murky water you spot a large form swimming toward it just below the surface. With a wet, slurping sound the creature devours the box. Bubbles pop to the surface emitting tiny, watery burps. Fortunately...
the lacquer box is Japanese Urushi, made from the sap of the urushi tree (poison oak). The creature immediately has a swift, violent reaction and starts vomiting up the box. Unfortunately...
...you had previously overlooked a sign posted near the pond. It reads "Bottomless Borehole #276. This hole, created by the Soviet Union in 1989, extends 12,262 meters into the earth. The diamond drill fractured during the drilling, and the hole's lowest point has never been reached again." By now, you realize, the black box is on its way down. Fortunately...
... Glinda remains nearby. She says, "The Russians, and their boreholes, have no power here! Be they gone, before somebody drops a house on them, too!"
At which point a house plummets from the sky, killing both the nebulous creature of the deep and the family of squirrels. In gratitude, you kiss Glinda, and she, in a maidenly flutter, magically yanks both the box and the diamond drill bits up from the borehole, saying, "The Russians may have no power, but that smacker--wowza."
Unfortunately,
At which point a house plummets from the sky, killing both the nebulous creature of the deep and the family of squirrels. In gratitude, you kiss Glinda, and she, in a maidenly flutter, magically yanks both the box and the diamond drill bits up from the borehole, saying, "The Russians may have no power, but that smacker--wowza."
Unfortunately,
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...the mob, who have been watching the proceedings from a respectful distance, now realize that far more is at stake than one banner-waving, ankle-twisting, wannabe bionic person. En masse, they shove you aside and begin to pummel a now very surprised Glinda. Fortunately...