Bite Me - chapter one

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Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong place but there's nothing in SYW that suits. I'm starting a new genre made up out of my own head called "Chaste Erotica". Maybe MacCannister could add a new page to teh SYW forum, unless she's a looser.

Anyway please crit. Here is chapter one from my novel, "Bite Me". I have spended months on this; do your worst:

Once upon a time I went to live with someone far away and he was like, totes unimportant but I needed an excuse to go somewhere it rained a lot. My hair went frizzy but it smelled of strawberries.

I went to school and like, everyone there asked me out even though I'm like, not pretty. Anyway the boys there were oogy except for this one guy who was like, really pale and stuff? And his brothers and sisters were really pretty but not as pretty as him.

Anyway one night he broke into my house and we made out. Then some guy hit on me and my new boyfriend totes tore his ass up and I was like, "My hero."

The End.
 

Adam

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A fascinating insight into the life of a girl wot smells of strawbs.

I like the overall structure of the piece, and feel it flows well. One small point though, you didn't indent the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

I would definitely buy this book.
 

thethinker42

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do your worst:

Fair enough, seeing as how you've obviously done your worst...

Once upon a time
Way cliche. Should totes be "It was the best of times, it was the worst of dark and stormy nights to call me Ishmael."

I went to live with someone far away
With gas prices being what they are, I think you really should try to stay local. Perhaps move up the street, to live with the old dude with halitosis and a wooden leg.

and he was like, totes unimportant but I needed an excuse to go somewhere it rained a lot.
See, this is where I'd like to see the zombies introduced. You really shouldn't wait to introduce the zombies. Readers get impatient, you know.

My hair went frizzy but it smelled of strawberries.
You know, people these days want more pizazz. I think if your hair burst into flames and smelled like rotting grapefruit, you might be able to capture the attention of today's audiences.

I went to school and like, everyone there asked me out even though I'm like, not pretty.
So wait, is she the zombie? Or are the other students vampires? I'm lost. Need more clarification here.

Anyway the boys there were oogy except for this one guy who was like, really pale and stuff? And his brothers and sisters were really pretty but not as pretty as him.
I would phrase it "As you know, Bob, his brothers and sisters..." Just fits so much better.

Anyway one night he broke into my house and we made out. Then some guy hit on me and my new boyfriend totes tore his ass up
You know, I'm all for gratuitous violence, but this gratuitous sexual content is just gratuitously unnecessary and really should be cut out. I would suggest replacing it with a gratuitous visit to the old folks' home to read them wholesome stories about the good old days.

and I was like, "My hero."
Now here we have a case of telling instead of showing. I need to know how he's your hero. "My hero." Bleh. Need something like "He went all Chuck Norris on the rampaging zombies and destroyed them all using nothing but a stick of gum, a roll of duct tape, and a half-burned copy of The Da Vinci Code." THEN I could see him being you hero. In fact, he'd be my hero. Tru fax.

Now see, this is just done to death. We really need something more poignant. Like..."Fin." Perhaps with a shark swimming by so that we could SEE the fin and also see that you, good author, have clearly jumped the shark.

All in all, it sucks. never write again.
 

thethinker42

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A fascinating insight into the life of a girl wot smells of strawbs.

I like the overall structure of the piece, and feel it flows well. One small point though, you didn't indent the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

I would definitely buy this book.

Don't listen to him. He's clearly delusional.
 

maestrowork

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Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong place but there's nothing in SYW that suits. I'm starting a new genre made up out of my own head called "Chaste Erotica". Maybe MacCannister could add a new page to teh SYW forum, unless she's a looser.

Anyway please crit. Here is chapter one from my novel, "Bite Me". I have spended months on this; do your worst:

Once upon a time I went to live with someone far away and he was like, totes unimportant but I needed an excuse to go somewhere it rained a lot. My hair went frizzy but it smelled of strawberries.

I went to school and like, everyone there asked me out even though I'm like, not pretty. Anyway the boys there were oogy except for this one guy who was like, really pale and stuff? And his brothers and sisters were really pretty but not as pretty as him.

Anyway one night he broke into my house and we made out. Then some guy hit on me and my new boyfriend totes tore his ass up and I was like, "My hero."

The End.


You just described my high school, except I was the guy who was pale and stuff.
 

Zipotes

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Scarlet, your siggy is scaring me.
 

Adam

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I have an endless well of clevers. Do not trifle with me, n00b, or I will unleash mah cleverz.

Ah wull.

Don't tempt meh.


Eye'll bee gud. Prommis, wif no crozzed finngers or nuffink!
 

Cranky

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This would be loads better if your MC's boyfriend were a WEREWOLF...vamps sux. Heee Heeee HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
 

poetinahat

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I think this is great. Amazon could bundle-sell it with my Vampirotic noir love-story, Fangs for the Mammaries.




i'm no good at this twilight stuff...
 

thethinker42

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This would be loads better if your MC's boyfriend were a WEREWOLF...vamps sux. Heee Heeee HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Pfft. The boyfriend should totes be Chuck Norris.

A vampire Chuck Norris.

But then, wouldn't a vampire Chuck Norris starve to death, because Chuck Norris doesn't suck?
 

Adam

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Werewolves need far too much grooming. And have you ever tried to worm one? Yeesh.
 

Cranky

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Pfft. The boyfriend should totes be Chuck Norris.

A vampire Chuck Norris.

But then, wouldn't a vampire Chuck Norris starve to death, because Chuck Norris doesn't suck?

That's why Chuck is actually a werewolf. That's why she should make her MC one. Martial arts proficient werewolf? Total WIN.