A silly little piece I wrote years ago for my myspace blog...
OFFICIAL MEMORANDUM
From: M. Tyler Mathis
To: Every employee and employer in the fifty United States, as well as the various protectorates under control of said nation, as well as all military personnel
Subject: AMERICA'S NIGHT AT THE BAR
Recently I proclaimed Thursday to be "America's Night at the Bar". If you were not informed of this proclamation--and you probably weren't, as I only informed one person--then the fault lies with my administrative staff, the same people who always receive the brunt of the blame when shit goes awry in the workplace.
I am happy to report that this proclamation has met with astounding success, and is to be continued every Thursday of every week until the end of time or the coming of doomsday, whichever one happens to come about first. Participation is mandatory for all employees in all industries, be they blue collar, white collar, military, etc... All personnel will report to the drinking establishment of their choice every Thursday after the end of the working day. Going home for a change of clothes beforehand is optional, though recommended if you work on a construction site, in a filthy factory, changing oil, or have spent the day in a fighting hole shooting blanks at a bunch of other idiots who are wiling away four years of their lives dressed in camouflaged suits.
Every employee will be required to consume at least three (3) alcoholic beverages during their time at the bar. During this time said employees may engage in constructive criticism of their workplace, bosses, spouses and/or significant others, in-laws, or whatever and whoever the hell they feel like bitching about at that specific moment. Getting buzzed is encouraged; getting trashed is optional; driving home trashed is forbidden. In other words, you may hang loose and have a good fucking time, though you are forbidden from getting into any sort of trouble (as that is never very fun...)
Special Addendum: To the employers of the employees whose attendance is mandatory on "America's Night at The Bar"
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Having read the above memorandum, it has probably occurred to you that certain of your employees may attend work on Friday morning with certain minor medical symptoms associated with imbibing too much alcohol, such as headaches, stomach aches, diarrhea (also known as "the shits"), overtiredness, or perhaps a slight feeling of euphoria from alcohol that has not yet been eliminated from their bodies. This, of course, may lead to a slight to major drop in production numbers, efficiency, initiative, motivation, and the general ability of the employee to perform his job in a properly functional manner. Employers, you are to not only to accept this general drop in performance, but you are to embrace it openly as an unalterable fact of life on every Friday until hell freezes over. Don't like it? Too bad. All you Richard Cory's out there will simply have to deal with it, and to help you do so I offer the following cliches that you yourselves have used over the years when informing your employees of the life-altering decisions you've thrust upon them (i.e. pay cuts, layoffs, downsizing, outsourcing, cuts in medical insurance, unjustified firings, etc...) : Suck it up, take it on the chin, take one for the team, we all have to sacrifice at some time or another, you'll adapt to this soon enough, it's not forever (though in this case it is), we're going to make this as painless as possible...ad nauseum/infinitum. You get my point. So all of you assholes had best be on your best behavior every Friday. No yelling at your people for goldbricking and/or smoking in the restroom, or falling asleep on their machines, or farting excessively to your discomfort and annoyance. Just take a leaf from your own extensive book of piss-poor advice for dealing with unpleasant situations and let it be.
So mote it be.
END OF MEMO
(P.S. I don't drink anymore)
To: Every employee and employer in the fifty United States, as well as the various protectorates under control of said nation, as well as all military personnel
Subject: AMERICA'S NIGHT AT THE BAR
Recently I proclaimed Thursday to be "America's Night at the Bar". If you were not informed of this proclamation--and you probably weren't, as I only informed one person--then the fault lies with my administrative staff, the same people who always receive the brunt of the blame when shit goes awry in the workplace.
I am happy to report that this proclamation has met with astounding success, and is to be continued every Thursday of every week until the end of time or the coming of doomsday, whichever one happens to come about first. Participation is mandatory for all employees in all industries, be they blue collar, white collar, military, etc... All personnel will report to the drinking establishment of their choice every Thursday after the end of the working day. Going home for a change of clothes beforehand is optional, though recommended if you work on a construction site, in a filthy factory, changing oil, or have spent the day in a fighting hole shooting blanks at a bunch of other idiots who are wiling away four years of their lives dressed in camouflaged suits.
Every employee will be required to consume at least three (3) alcoholic beverages during their time at the bar. During this time said employees may engage in constructive criticism of their workplace, bosses, spouses and/or significant others, in-laws, or whatever and whoever the hell they feel like bitching about at that specific moment. Getting buzzed is encouraged; getting trashed is optional; driving home trashed is forbidden. In other words, you may hang loose and have a good fucking time, though you are forbidden from getting into any sort of trouble (as that is never very fun...)
Special Addendum: To the employers of the employees whose attendance is mandatory on "America's Night at The Bar"
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Having read the above memorandum, it has probably occurred to you that certain of your employees may attend work on Friday morning with certain minor medical symptoms associated with imbibing too much alcohol, such as headaches, stomach aches, diarrhea (also known as "the shits"), overtiredness, or perhaps a slight feeling of euphoria from alcohol that has not yet been eliminated from their bodies. This, of course, may lead to a slight to major drop in production numbers, efficiency, initiative, motivation, and the general ability of the employee to perform his job in a properly functional manner. Employers, you are to not only to accept this general drop in performance, but you are to embrace it openly as an unalterable fact of life on every Friday until hell freezes over. Don't like it? Too bad. All you Richard Cory's out there will simply have to deal with it, and to help you do so I offer the following cliches that you yourselves have used over the years when informing your employees of the life-altering decisions you've thrust upon them (i.e. pay cuts, layoffs, downsizing, outsourcing, cuts in medical insurance, unjustified firings, etc...) : Suck it up, take it on the chin, take one for the team, we all have to sacrifice at some time or another, you'll adapt to this soon enough, it's not forever (though in this case it is), we're going to make this as painless as possible...ad nauseum/infinitum. You get my point. So all of you assholes had best be on your best behavior every Friday. No yelling at your people for goldbricking and/or smoking in the restroom, or falling asleep on their machines, or farting excessively to your discomfort and annoyance. Just take a leaf from your own extensive book of piss-poor advice for dealing with unpleasant situations and let it be.
So mote it be.
END OF MEMO
(P.S. I don't drink anymore)
