How do you let your sig. other know that you're serious? (without making it worse)

Fraulein · Dec 23, 2008

If I try to show that I'm serious about something to my boyfriend, whether I say that I don't want him to say/do _____ types of things because they are getting on my nerves/hurting me or that I need to be left alone, it seems like he tries to make the situation worse. What's up with that?... How do I make it 100% clear that I am not being funny and that I need _____ to stop?

ETA: It's usually the teasing or 'button pushing' that makes a situation worse. If I wanted to be tested (my patience that is), I'd go babysit a drunk group of friends...

Thanks for the help!

Beach Bunny · Dec 23, 2008

I'm going to answer the question first.
He knows he is annoying you. He's getting some kind of reward or pleasure from his behavior. If nothing you have said to him so far, including "I'm serious stop that.", has made him stop, then you have to change your response to his annoying behavior. This is not an easy task for you. Because when we're annoyed we go for the natural response to annoyance, it's hard to respond in an uncharastic way. A response that does not contain a bit of annoyance and does not otherwise reward his behavior is the best. You'll have to figure out what that might be as it's hard to tell what might work in a your specific situation as I do not know your SO. Some responses which might work: pick up a novel and start reading, put on headphones and listen to your ipod, leave the room.

Since he's demonstrated that he is not going to stop doing something when you have repeatedly asked him to, it might also be a good time to ask yourself, "Do I really want to stay in this relationship?" He's not going to change. You will have to. It's hard work for you to change. Is it worth it?

thethinker42 · Dec 23, 2008

Coming from a family of snarky button-pushers, I would say that if he can't - or won't - respect a boundary, or back off when you tell him you REALLY aren't kidding, then you may want to reconsider staying with him. My family pushes buttons constantly, but a serious "Look, don't go there" is enough to tell someone they've pushed the envelope too far. Refusing to respect that is incredibly disrespectful.

Yeshanu · Dec 23, 2008

I really can't answer in full, because I don't know the whole situation. I can think of a number of possibilities:

1) If it's a minor thing you're fussing about, it may be best to simply ignore what he's doing. He's quite possibly doing whatever it is just to get a rise out of you, and if you stop rising to the bait, he'll stop doing the behavior.

2) If it's more major (like saying hurtful things, or doing things that are risky physically for you or him), and intentionally hurtful to you, I'd simply tell him: If you don't stop doing X, that's it. I'm out of here.

That sort of behavior, under guise of "teasing" can easily cross over into real abuse. Even if it doesn't, he's shown no respect for you or your feelings.

And listen to the Bunny: You need to ask yourself now: Is this relationship worth the work I'd have to put into it to make it healthy? Only you can answer that question, but be advised that it will be work, and he may not be willing to do any of it.

And hugs. You're in a tough spot, and you've got a difficult decision to make. Go easy on yourself. :Hug2:

Ciera_ · Dec 23, 2008

How do you let your sig. other know that you're serious? (without making it worse)

Hmm. . . as Zachary Quinto never responds to me, I don't think I'm that good at the getting-through-to-significant-others thing, but I'll give it a shot:

smack him upside the head when he acts like an immature little brat. Or, if you're a pacifist. . . (Uh, I'm at a loss. I hope you're not opposed to violence!)
And, y'know, for a long-term and proper fix, listen to Beach Bunny ^.^
ETA: and the others who stealthily posted while I watched South Park >.>
good luck!

NeuroFizz · Dec 23, 2008

"Don't know when to stop" runs in my family. The honest approach doesn't always work, but it's always the best way to go, complete with a clear indication that there will be consequences if he doesn't let up. The most important thing, however, is to follow through with those consequences, even if it is to take a breather in the relationship (adding my check mark behind BB's suggestion).

Cassiopeia · Dec 24, 2008

Dang it, I had this brilliant post all done up and then the site wouldn't load.

So let me have a go at this again.

I have found when someone is pushing my buttons that the worst thing I can do is react. What works for me is to leave the room without any reaction what so ever. And I mean no facial expression, no exasperated sighs, no jerking movements that show I'm annoyed. After all, button pushers are LOOKING for a reaction.

If that person follows me (little kids as well as some adults are prone to do that) I just keep silently moving from room to room until I'm left alone. As I'm usually a fairly animated person in that I'm talkative with my family and friends and I'm a smiley kinda gal, it FREAKS them out. I let the stillness speak for me.

It usually takes about two hours before that person comes to me willingly asking me what they did and how can they make it better. THAT is when I can be heard and only then. I tell them peacefully without anger or malice what I want. I do it in two sentences or less and I don't lecture. If I find myself lecturing I know they are going to resent me.

And you know what is so great, there's no fighting. I say my peace and if they aren't receptive I just start over, move to the other room and keep quiet.

Pete and Repeat.

If that doesn't work? Well, I'm not going to be so politically correct as BB and Fizzy. Dump his sorry butt for not being respectful of you and your feelings. There's plenty of fish in the sea out there and no one needs to settle for someone who doesn't respect them.

ETA: On those times when I haven't used the method I just spoke about, I ended up in a screaming match and in tears. I hate screaming, particularly if I'm the one doing it.

regdog · Dec 24, 2008

After years of living with family members who get a kick out of doing this, I can give you only one piece of advice.

Walk away. It is the healthiest thing for you to do.

Fraulein · Dec 24, 2008

Thanks everyone!

I'm stuck working with Christmas Eve and multitasking just to get out of the door to be on time for work- make-up plus typing- but I'll be back soon...

Rolling Thunder · Dec 24, 2008

If I try to show that I'm serious about something to my boyfriend, whether I say that I don't want him to say/do _____ types of things because they are getting on my nerves/hurting me or that I need to be left alone, it seems like he tries to make the situation worse.

It's called passive-aggressive behavior.

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Dec 24, 2008

Yuppers. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

He ain't got it? He can't get it? He won't get it?

He ain't worth the time of day. Dump him and move on to someone who is.

vixey · Dec 24, 2008

The others have said it so well already, but the 'take a good look at the relationship and run' message gets another vote here.

truelyana · Dec 24, 2008

That's interesting. Just today, honesty. Otherwise it's never going to work.

scarletpeaches · Dec 24, 2008

vixey said:
The others have said it so well already, but the 'take a good look at the relationship and run' message gets another vote here.

And another.

Me? I certainly wouldn't stand for being disrespected in this way.

Ganymede · Dec 24, 2008

I wouldn't put up with it, either.

Having family members who do that as well, I am very familar with this.

Another tactic, besides leaving the room, is to not do things for them. IE when they ask for help with something, want you to fix something, cook something, go on an outing with them, etc., then don't. Tell them you aren't going to do X for them because they wouldn't do Y for you earlier.

Another good line to say:
"If you won't respect me, why should I respect you?"

You might get a range of reactions from disbelief changing over quickly to a temper tantrum with nasty remarks, but great. You just add,

"By saying [what they said], you're only confirming that you don't have a lot of respect for me. Which is why I don't want to spend my energy doing things for you right now."

And leave the room again.

The hardest part will be staying calm, firm, and consistent, but you'll have to stick to your guns without yelling, swearing, or making comments that can be viewed as 'personal attacks'.

The relationship may unravel if you continue this, or your SO may get a big clue that you mean business and straighten up. But if it were me, I say either scenario is better than putting up with a jerk all the time and being unhappy.

Good luck. Sorry to hear you are in this situation, but glad to hear you're trying to do something to stop it.

NeuroFizz · Dec 24, 2008

Aside from the long-term solution that everyone seems to think best (me, too), here are some short term "freeze-outs" you may want to try.

Just stare him down and say, "Feeling better about yourself now?" Maybe he'll get the hint. (This one works on me when I get a little pissy.)

Or if that doesn't work there's the old standby, "If I wanted to listen to an a$$hole, I would have farted." Just strange enough to shut them up for at least a little while.

If either one triggers a temper tantrum, just leave.

vixey · Dec 24, 2008

NeuroFizz said:
Or if that doesn't work there's the old standby, "If I wanted to listen to an a$$hole, I would have farted." Just strange enough to shut them up for at least a little while.

Shadow_Ferret · Dec 24, 2008

WTF? I swear I responded to this... ?

OK.

To me it sounds like he's a wiseass, like me. He thinks not taking you seriously is funny.

What you need to do is this. Give him a good swift kick in the nuts and yell, "Now are you going to take me seriously, asshole?"

Otherwise, I agree with everyone who said you need to do a serious re-eval of your relationship. If he isn't willing to take you seriously, find someone who will.

And I apologize, but I'm taken.

Cassiopeia · Dec 24, 2008

It's really hard for my kids to take me seriously. Mainly because I'm such a cool mom.

But seriously, (yes I am a cool mom but that's not why they tend to not get the point) part of the problem I had in the beginning was tolerating their joking around and not listening. So I came up with a new rule. If I have to resort to yelling at you to get your attention, you are soooooooooooooo grounded. AND have to do twices as many chores AND the gaming consoles are now hereby confiscated.

So, you might want to consider putting him time out.

It will get his attention. Time out is just an alternative method to the one I have said before but it works just as well. You tell him: Listen, I'm tired of telling you to knock that off so go away. That's it. Just go away until I say otherwise.

I love Fizzy's suggestions as well as my dear Ferret Face. Sometimes it does help to be a bit more blunt but you gotta know your guy to know which is most effective.

Fraulein · Dec 24, 2008

Ok. Thanks again for all of your suggestions!!!

First, if the "wiseass"ness doesn't resolve soon, then I will be moving on. I don't think anyone deserves to be treated like that if they don't act like that themselves.
Also, on the flip side, after 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, I don't think it's a good idea to cut the cord without going through some kind of procedure that could very well lead to a resolution.

Second, there is a trend in his family for people to either 1) overreact by turning anything into a doom-and-gloom type of situation 2) attack others whenever the person feels like he/she is being criticized, whether it was intended to be critical or not or 3) to be antagonistic until the situation turns into a verbal slaughter that inadvertently harms the other person due to overstepping personal boundaries.
(This is just so fantastic, NOT! ...although I think it's fixable, at least in his case because he can be very reasonable and thoughtful.)
So thinkythinker42, I agree that temperament can flow through a person's family with or without it being intentional. The type of negative temperament that seems to have been taught within his family, which you can see in his mother sometimes, also seems to be hellbent on sticking around, too. Lovely!

Third, I am trying to be very straightforward and upfront with what I need to change. As Neurofizzy said, I can't waiver or my efforts will be ineffective.

After ignoring his antagonistic behavior last night and earlier today (which oddly resulted in a significant amount of guilt from my SO --> after I got off from work, I came back to a super clean apartment, a nicely wrapped present with a handmade bow, and groceries), I plan to separate myself, each and every time, from the snide and snarky comments until this gets resolved.
I think everyone who suggested this within the thread was right on target! (BB, Cassi, Ganymede, et al.) What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, right?
Sometimes I find myself caving to pressure whenever I shouldn't, so I will try my best to hold my ground and make it very clear that I do not want to be part of a wiseass's verbal target practice.

scarletpeaches · Dec 25, 2008

Fraulein said:
...after 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, I don't think it's a good idea to cut the cord without going through some kind of procedure that could very well lead to a resolution...

Even if the other person's doing a very good impression of someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?

Fraulein · Dec 25, 2008

scarletpeaches said:
Even if the other person's doing a very good impression of someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?

that, or getting too comfortable in his ways and taking the relationship for granted.

He says, almost every day, that he wants to be with me indefinitely (in some form or another), but you would think that his actions would show that much more so than they do now.

I really wouldn't mind seeing a relationship counselor or someone like that. Perhaps a 'referee' would help, and maybe he won't feel so bullied by me- Ms. Has-to-fix-it-now-or-else.

scarletpeaches · Dec 25, 2008

Oh, I completely agree with you. If something's wrong in a relationship I wanted it fixed now. I don't see the point in waiting. Why prolong any emotional pain when one could sort it out A.S.A.P?

But if a man said he wanted to be with me 'indefinitely' I'd wonder exactly what that meant. Is he saying 'until I find something better'? Especially if he was treating me so disrespectfullly.

I remember saying once that I never listen to what a man says; I look at what he does and if his actions (or lack thereof) contradict his words, that says a lot about where his priorities lie.

Fraulein · Dec 25, 2008

scarletpeaches said:
Oh, I completely agree with you. If something's wrong in a relationship I wanted it fixed now. I don't see the point in waiting. Why prolong any emotional pain when one could sort it out A.S.A.P?

Me too! I'm at the now or never point, and it's really difficult.

scarletpeaches said:
But if a man said he wanted to be with me 'indefinitely' I'd wonder exactly what that meant. Is he saying 'until I find something better'? Especially if he was treating me so disrespectfullly.

I remember saying once that I never listen to what a man says; I look at what he does and if his actions (or lack thereof) contradict his words, that says a lot about where his priorities lie.

That's how I've always thought about things, too, and I don't want to waver from what I expect out of a relationship.

Stlight · Dec 26, 2008

Rolling Thunder is right. So are the others. And SP is a wise woman. This is abuse. One form of abuse leads to another. You really need to think about this relationship and how much you’re willing to take. People don’t abuse those they love.

Many people after they beat the crap out of their SO bring flowers and or jewelry. With the suddenly clean apartment, I’d say the pattern is beginning.

Call it abuse for awhile and see how you feel about it. Putting the correct name on things can clear one’s vision.

How do you let your sig. other know that you're serious? (without making it worse)

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