• Basic Writing questions is not a crit forum. All crits belong in Share Your Work

One person addressing two people separately, new paragraph or not?

MaeZe

Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 6, 2016
Messages
12,774
Reaction score
6,480
Location
Ralph's side of the island.
For example,

"Siri, turn the lights down."
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

One paragraph or two, and one quote set or do you include it all in one quote?

Or one set, opening and closing over the two paragraphs?

"Siri, turn the lights down.
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

Or do I need to divide it some other way?

"Siri, turn the lights down," I commanded. Turning to Missy, I asked, "Is that better?"

It could also be speaking separately to two people, not just commanding a thing.


Thanks in advance. This odd thing would take me a while to hunt the answer down, maybe one of you already has.
 
Last edited:

cornflake

practical experience, FTW
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 11, 2012
Messages
16,171
Reaction score
3,734
For example,

"Siri, turn the lights down."
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

One paragraph or two, and one quote set or do you include it all in one quote?

Or one set, opening and closing over the two paragraphs?

"Siri, turn the lights down.
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

Or do I need to divide it some other way?

"Siri, turn the lights down," I commanded. Turning to Missy, I asked, "Is that better?"

I was confused by the second half of the question, as I didn't get it was the same person speaking. I'd not do the return, as it's not speaking to another person. Might do an action line or tag in front or in the middle.

I tapped my phone. "Siri, turn the lights down. There, that better?"

"Siri, turn the lights down." As if by magic, or technology, the room dimmed. "Better?"

Something.
 

MaeZe

Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 6, 2016
Messages
12,774
Reaction score
6,480
Location
Ralph's side of the island.
I was confused by the second half of the question, as I didn't get it was the same person speaking. I'd not do the return, as it's not speaking to another person. Might do an action line or tag in front or in the middle.

I tapped my phone. "Siri, turn the lights down. There, that better?"

"Siri, turn the lights down." As if by magic, or technology, the room dimmed. "Better?"

Something.

I like both those options.

How about yelling at the kids rather than commanding an inanimate computer?

"John and Mary, you get to bed right this minute! Now, what was I saying?"
 
Last edited:

Samscript

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 19, 2019
Messages
54
Reaction score
8
My choice ...

"Siri, turn the lights down." Turning to Missy, I asked, "Is that better?"

"I commanded" is unnecessary since same line means same speaker and the tag is in the next sentence. Both names are used (Siri and Missy) to ensure clarity. There are many ways you can do this, but out of your examples, this is the only one that is perfectly clear.

I will say though that because no one asks their phone "better" then you probably dont need missy. But in most cases, its two people, not 1 person plus ai.
 
Last edited:

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 9, 2005
Messages
16,768
Reaction score
4,663
Location
Scotland
You can have a character say whatever you want, but whatever a character says, it should always be clear to the reader who is speaking, and to whom.

Specifically addressing more than one individual requires dialogue or action tags to show that, or the dialogue itself includes changes of address/names to clarify to whom the speaker is speaking. A new paragraph isn't usually necessary.

Aim for clarity through simplicity.

I had difficulty following the original question when you refer to addressing two people separately, then seem to be instructing a computer doodah, Siri.

The 'new paragraph' thing usually refers to a 'new speaker'. The other memo prompt is 'Same speaker- same paragraph'.
 
Last edited:

Paul Lamb

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
550
Reaction score
417
Location
American Midwest
Website
www.paullamb.wordpress.com
You can have a character say whatever you want, but whatever a character says, it should always be clear to the reader who is speaking, and to whom.

Though I had a scene with three people around a campfire and a line of dialog that could have been spoken by any one of them. I deliberately left it untagged since that fed perfectly into the point of the story. (Got it published that way too.)
 

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 9, 2005
Messages
16,768
Reaction score
4,663
Location
Scotland
Though I had a scene with three people around a campfire and a line of dialog that could have been spoken by any one of them. I deliberately left it untagged since that fed perfectly into the point of the story. (Got it published that way too.)

Glad the exception worked for you, but I would hazard a guess that if it could have been spoken by any one of three characters, a reader would simply attribute it to the last name mentioned and also take into account who responded.
 

MaeZe

Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 6, 2016
Messages
12,774
Reaction score
6,480
Location
Ralph's side of the island.
I'm surprised my question was confusing. Probably because I over explain.

New person talking- new paragraph.
New person being addressed- new paragraph or not.

Thanks for all the answers, I got it: New person being addressed- new paragraph NOT.

This is what I settled on: “House, two more beers. I’ll get it out of you.”

The two people talking and drinking beer are brother and sister, the reader knows from the rest of the conversation that this is the sister quizzing the brother about a new love interest of his. Commands to the 'house' can get physical things like lights on, alarm off, etc and in this case it will result in a servant bringing the beers. These people are in the billionaire class.
 
Last edited:

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
For example,
"Siri, turn the lights down."
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

One paragraph or two, and one quote set or do you include it all in one quote?

Or one set, opening and closing over the two paragraphs?
"Siri, turn the lights down.
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

Or do I need to divide it some other way?

"Siri, turn the lights down," I commanded. Turning to Missy, I asked, "Is that better?"

It could also be speaking separately to two people, not just commanding a thing.


Thanks in advance. This odd thing would take me a while to hunt the answer down, maybe one of you already has.

I found your first two examples confusing. You have one line of unattributed dialogue, addressed to Siri, and one line of attributed dialogue from someone who isn't Siri.

The third example makes sense and that's the way I'd do it. From that, I'm now guessing that Mary was original speaker of both lines of dialogue. In which case:

"Siri, turn the lights down," Mary said and turned to me. "Is that better?"

All in one paragraph. And potentially you could eliminate "said" (or "commanded"):

"Siri, turn the lights down." Mary turned to me. "Is that better?"

In general, best to keep a single speaker's lines all in one paragraph, even when they're addressing more than one person sequentially.
 
Last edited:

MaeZe

Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 6, 2016
Messages
12,774
Reaction score
6,480
Location
Ralph's side of the island.
I found your first two examples confusing. You have one line of unattributed dialogue, addressed to Siri, and one line of attributed dialogue from someone who isn't Siri.

Aaaaaaahhhhh! :tongue

See thread title: 'one person addressing two people'.

It's okay. I take full responsibility for confusing people.


Edited to add, I wanted to know the paragraph rule. I didn't want to have to get around the rule adding an action in between. Sure, one would do that if it was the right sentence, but I still wanted to know the rule. I think I do now, hopefully.
 
Last edited:

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
Aaaaaaahhhhh! :tongue

See thread title: 'one person addressing two people'.

Heh. Yes, yes, I saw that, but without further context, I couldn't figure out how that question fit those two separate lines.

At any rate, if you don't want to have some sort of physical action in the middle, it could go something like:

"Siri, turn the lights down," Mary said, adding to me, "Is that better?"

or even,

Mary told Siri to dim the lights. "Is that better?"

I think the overall context would show that the question is addressed to the viewpoint character, not to Siri. :)

Anyway, all that matters is that it's clear she's addressing two different people (or entities, as it were), and that's probably best kept to a single paragraph or sentence.
 

bugbite

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 2, 2019
Messages
60
Reaction score
4
"Siri, turn the lights down," I commanded. Turning to Missy, I asked, "Is that better?"

I think this is correct, because it tells the sequence at a more digestible pace, whereas the other write moves across the sequence at a sprinters pace. I think it should be slowed down ever further. Maybe:

"Siri, turn the lights down," The bulbs dimmed as I turned to Missy who sat on the lounge chair. "Is that better?" I asked

And even still I think it can still be slowed down further, I think it's a matter of increasing the word count in the sequence to better serve the complexities.
 
Last edited:

Paul Lamb

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
550
Reaction score
417
Location
American Midwest
Website
www.paullamb.wordpress.com
Glad the exception worked for you, but I would hazard a guess that if it could have been spoken by any one of three characters, a reader would simply attribute it to the last name mentioned and also take into account who responded.

Right. It was more thematic playfulness than something meant for specific understanding.
 

Paul Lamb

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
550
Reaction score
417
Location
American Midwest
Website
www.paullamb.wordpress.com
I recently read Joseph Conrad's novel An Outcast of the Islands and he had a scene where a character was talking simultaneously to both his little daughter on his lap and some lackey standing before him. Each sentence was directed to one person, then the next to the other. It went on like this for a half dozen sentences in one paragraph. It was easy to figure out to whom each sentence was directed given the context, but I thought it was masterful on Conrad's part to lay it out like that.
 

Ricardo Salepas

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 18, 2019
Messages
69
Reaction score
2
Location
South Africa
Different speakers, different paragraphs.
Same speaker addressing two different people...same paragraph, just make it clear to the reader as to who the person is addressing.
 

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 25, 2014
Messages
7,271
Reaction score
9,335
Location
Dorset, UK
For example,
"Siri, turn the lights down."
"Is that better?" Mary asked.​

Maybe Siri is better than google, but in my experience the above would confuse google.


"Okay google, play radio 2. Oi, will you kids stop fighting?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know how to help with that"
 

MaeZe

Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 6, 2016
Messages
12,774
Reaction score
6,480
Location
Ralph's side of the island.
Maybe Siri is better than google, but in my experience the above would confuse google.

"Okay google, play radio 2. Oi, will you kids stop fighting?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know how to help with that"

In my future world it isn't Siri, it's the house.

This is what I settled on (repeating from upthread): “House, two more beers. I’ll get it out of you.”

It's a sister asking her brother how his date went. Servants would then bring the beers.
 
Last edited:

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 25, 2014
Messages
7,271
Reaction score
9,335
Location
Dorset, UK
In my future world it isn't Siri, it's the house.

This is what I settled on (repeating from upthread): “House, two more beers. I’ll get it out of you.”

It's a sister asking her brother how his date went. Servants would then bring the beers.

Hopefully future tech won't be as easily confused as Google, lol :greenie

It's interesting because in my story set in 2055 the MC's family has a smart home type thing, (nothing fancy like servants though). I'm trying to write this computer like it's a character in the story and also make it a bit comical (the story is a comedy, albeit with serious bits in it). I imagine that no matter how technologically advanced we get, tech will sometimes still not work the way we want it to. Either because of limitations to the tech or humans giving it bad instructions and the tech taking it literally :greenie
 

MaeZe

Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 6, 2016
Messages
12,774
Reaction score
6,480
Location
Ralph's side of the island.
I think we're close to smart houses now.

As for the personality, I do have a scene where one of the characters is arguing with the house alarm clock. The house is not self-aware or anything like that. The character says she's up and the house says "I sense you are not up." Another character, visiting, is amazed one can argue with a house.