YOWFF - 1 (Cycle)

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Spell-it-out

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Kind Benefactor
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Hi all,

This is a piece of flash fiction that I wrote a while back, I've hammered it into what I hope is close to acceptable to pass for fiction these days. I chose this one, because I couldn't think of a decent story with the suggested tip (Changling) :D I'll follow the lead next week Sophia :)

If anyone can, I'd love a few words on this before I start part three of the weekly challenge, submit.

Oh, NOTE: I've attempted to use an omni POV in this one, first time ever (intentionally) setting out to do it.
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Cycle

He drew in his first breath, high in the skies. A vague sense of Déjà Vú flashed in his mind. No time to look around, he fell and fell, such a strange sensation passed him by. His gasping slowed as he grew accustomed to his surroundings, air.

The droplet felt his shape bend and shake, his exteriors fluttered in the wind. Pieces of him were torn off and left trailing in the slipstream. He sensed the warmer air from below. Excited, he sped toward it, free-falling. Little dots of light became bigger, brighter. The small droplet could hear his brothers falling alongside him, screaming with joy. The thrill of being alive was racing through their very molecules.

His ancestors reached the tin roof first, splashing upwards upon impact, until they finally flowed off into a plastic gutter. The little droplet landed, as a trail of his ancestor’s remains cushioned his blow. Alarmed, he sailed downwards in the river of shattered hydrogen and oxygen. He wanted to cry, but it hurt too much. He felt the oncoming tears drawing from the reservoir that was his body. Into the dark gutter and down again.

As he switched between the plastic gutter and concrete sewers, he got a glimpse of city life; some of his brothers lay stranded and broken on the cold pavement, some crying, some laughing, others numbed by the trauma. The droplet thanked his luck, despite resting on the atoms of his crushed friends and family, he was still alive.

The route became dark as many waterways converged into one. Drifting along the gigantic concrete tunnel were molecules of dirt and disease. Seamlessly they multiplied and attached themselves to any available drops of water, needing a host to survive.
Downwards again.

The droplet longed for the open, free skies. Down here was too dark, too dangerous. His herd was slowly being scavenged. The droplet asked himself what kind of creator would send him down here to die.

But there was hope. Some of his brothers make a dash for an exit. At the side of the concrete tunnel there was a crack. He tried as hard as he could to lean towards the flow that headed directly towards the crack. Nearly there, he urged to be grabbed, come on.

Yes. The current swiftly took the droplet out. But, it was even darker outside. He felt long, rough fingers touch him as he passed. Blind, he twisted through a dark maze of dampness, trying desperately to avoid the creepy fingers.

No, one finger caught his body, and pulled. The droplet sensed his body being tugged, the finger was testing the very fabric of his body, and kept testing. Until, suddenly, he was pulled viciously into the being from which these fingers protruded. After the numbness had subsided, and some sense of direction had come back, the tickle of many tiny fingers lifting him made his shake. The droplet asked himself if he had died, crushed to death by a giant.

As he pondered life and death, he couldn’t help but feel the warmth coming from above. Ecstasy coursed through his body once again, as he changed direction, travelling level for once. His dark surroundings became brighter, a small disc outside grew, filling his atoms with relief. However, it did not stop growing. The droplet started to shake, trying to get away from the disc. It became too intense. It started to burn, as the exteriors of the droplet grew loose. Gradually they detached and faced toward the disc.

Pain shot through the droplet with renewed vigour, as his insides started to vibrate and boil. Before his very eyes he could see his body disintegrating. Am I to die so soon? The disc did not relent. It wanted more. It intensified, pulling the atoms apart, one by one. The droplet’s vision became blurry, as what was left of his body started to move towards the disc.

Then, with unimaginable pain, the droplet was ripped apart, atoms spilled off in all directions. Such unnatural force from the disc soon gathered all the pieces for itself. Upwards through the air, the shattered remains of the droplet sailed. Massaging air grew colder and colder, as billions of atoms shared the journey towards the disc, their lives cut short by the unexplainable beast.

Strangely, their assent slowed. The atoms started shaking and vibrating. The beast had relented. The cold air was refreshing, it was comfortable, and it smelled of life...

He drew in his first breath, high in the skies. A vague sense of Déjà Vú flashed in his mind. No time to look around, he fell and fell...
 

Yasaibatake

is her own imaginary friend
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Hey! Sorry I didn't have time to get to this last week - I know you sent it out already, but here are a few of my thoughts anyway and maybe you can use the general ideas in the weeks to come :)

Oh, NOTE: I've attempted to use an omni POV in this one, first time ever (intentionally) setting out to do it. How brave of you! Maybe it's just me, but I've always found omni a little scary :)
_____________________________________________________
Cycle

He drew in his first breath, high in the skies. A vague sense of Déjà Vú no accent on the u flashed in his mind. No time to look around, he fell and fell, such a strange sensation passed him by. passing him by? Because he's falling now? His gasping slowed as he grew accustomed to his surroundings, air.

The droplet felt his shape bend and shake, his exteriors fluttered in the wind. Pieces of him were torn off and left trailing in the slipstream. He sensed the warmer air from below. Excited, he sped toward it, free-falling. Little dots of light became bigger, brighter. The small droplet could hear his brothers falling alongside him, screaming with joy. The thrill of being alive was racing through their very molecules.

His ancestors I think I'd stick with family members or something of the sort here. The word ancestors made me stop and wonder if they had literally given birth to the droplet. reached the tin roof first, splashing upwards upon impact, until they finally flowed off into a plastic gutter. The little droplet landed, as a trail of his ancestor’s remains cushioned his blow. Alarmed, he sailed downwards in the river of shattered hydrogen and oxygen. He wanted to cry, but it hurt too much. He felt the oncoming tears drawing from the reservoir that was his body. I'd re-word this to read "from his body's reservoir" - the "that was" part made me stumble. Into the dark gutter and down again.

As he switched between the plastic gutter and concrete sewers, he got a glimpse of city life; some of his brothers lay stranded and broken on the cold pavement, some crying, some laughing, others numbed by the trauma. The droplet thanked his luck; despite resting on the atoms of his crushed friends and family, he was still alive.

The route became dark as many waterways converged into one. Drifting along the gigantic concrete tunnel were molecules of dirt and disease. Seamlessly they multiplied and attached themselves do you mean the other water droplets or the dirt and disease? I think you mean the dirt and disease, but I wasn't sure to any available drops of water, needing a host to survive.
Downwards again.

The droplet longed for the open, free skies. Down here was too dark, too dangerous. His herd was slowly being scavenged. The droplet asked himself what kind of creator would send him down here to die.

But there was hope. Some of his brothers make a dash for an exit. At the side of the concrete tunnel there was a crack. He tried as hard as he could to lean towards the flow that headed directly towards the crack. Nearly there, he urged to be grabbed, come on.

Yes. The current swiftly took the droplet out. But, it was even darker outside. He felt long, rough fingers touch him as he passed. Blind, he twisted through a dark maze of dampness, trying desperately to avoid the creepy fingers.

No, one finger caught his body, and pulled. The droplet sensed his body being tugged, the finger was testing the very fabric of his body, and kept testing. Until, suddenly, he was pulled viciously into the being from which these fingers protruded. It took me two reads to figure out you were talking about plant roots here. I think, since it's in omni, you might be able to replace one of the "fingers" with "roots" to make it clearer? Because the droplet wouldn't know what they were, but an omni narrator would. I think. This is why I don't write omni...lol After the numbness had subsided, and some sense of direction had come back, the tickle of many tiny fingers lifting him made his shake. The droplet asked himself if he had died, crushed to death by a giant.

As he pondered life and death, he couldn’t help but feel the warmth coming from above. Ecstasy coursed through his body once again as he changed direction, travelling level for once. His dark surroundings became brighter, a small disc outside grew, filling his atoms with relief. However, it did not stop growing. The droplet started to shake, trying to get away from the disc. It became too intense. It started to burn, as the exteriors of the droplet reword to "his exteriors" maybe? We've been inside the droplet's head this whole time, and the sudden switch to an external view made me stumble just a little grew loose. Gradually they detached and faced toward the disc.

Pain shot through the droplet with renewed vigour, as his insides started to vibrate and boil. Loved this sentence! Before his very eyes he could see his body disintegrating. Am I to die so soon? The disc did not relent. It wanted more. It intensified, pulling the atoms apart, one by one. The droplet’s vision became blurry, as what was left of his body started to move towards the disc.

Then, with unimaginable pain, the droplet was ripped apart, atoms spilled off in all directions. Such unnatural force from the disc soon gathered all the pieces for itself. Upwards through the air, the shattered remains of the droplet sailed. Massaging air grew colder and colder, as billions of atoms shared the journey towards the disc, their lives cut short by the unexplainable beast.

Strangely, their assent slowed. The atoms started shaking and vibrating. The beast had relented. The cold air was refreshing, it was comfortable, and it smelled of life...

He drew in his first breath, high in the skies. A vague sense of Déjà Vú flashed in his mind. No time to look around, he fell and fell...

Overall, I liked it! It's such a unique idea and POV. Nice work!
 

Spell-it-out

I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Kind Benefactor
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Overall, I liked it! It's such a unique idea and POV. Nice work!

Hiya,

It was a tough one to arrange, and thank you very much for the tips. When planning it, I couldn't see how limited third POV would work - even though I now see that I slipped back into it :)

Thanks for taking the time to crit it, hope your challenge is coming along okay this week!
 

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