Twilight Rodeo - 286 words

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TexasPoet

When Is It Dark Enough?
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Ron came to the arena early, before anyone else, he thought. As he rounded the cattle chute, he saw a dark figure, standing in the center of the rink, what was left of moonlight glinting off the 10 inch knife in the figure’s right hand.

”I’ll take that buckle, cowboy”, he yelled as he flicked the knife in his hand toward Ron.

The buckle he wanted cost Ron six months in a hospital and seven pins in his right leg. A bull named “Timestop” had broken his femur by trouncing on him like a dirty rug. It was the hardest ten-thousand dollars he ever won.

He gave himself to the thought of running, but he knew his freshly healed leg wouldn’t permit that. So, he started to undo his belt.

The flat leather wasn’t like the rope he used in heeling, but the feel of it in his hand was familiar enough to give him an idea.

Ron did a few quick calculations in his head about the length of the dark figure’s reach and the length of his belt. He wouldn’t be able to rope his assailant with it, but the fourteen ounce metal buckle with its notch hook on the underside would make a great Morning Star.

Ron held the belt out like a dead snake in his hand and the figure started running toward him, knife held high above the attacker. At just the right distance, Ron let the buckle fall to the sand of the rink and took the other end of the belt firmly in hand.

Swinging it over his head and then letting the buckle fly toward his enemy’s face, he yelled, “Welcome to the Twilight Rodeo, mother fucker!”
 
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Hedwig

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Hey, TexasPoet!

I'm so sorry that you posted this almost a month ago and no one has commented yet. I hate it when that happens. -.-

Thank you for giving the opportunity to read this! This was pretty entertaining, and the voice and detail were great, but I'm afraid I have to say the thing we dread an editor will say: I'm not sure this constitutes a story. We have a good idea of what is at stake for Ron, but I don't see how this scene will impact Ron into the future. In other words, I don't see a change or "movement" in Ron because of this. I think that element of change is what differentiates an anecdote from a story. Flash fiction doesn't give much room for a full plot, so I think what makes it satisfying is seeing the effect of the story on the character.
 

DanielSTJ

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Heya TexasPoet! (Good to hear from you once more!)

Hm. I am entertained and would read on, but as it stands I'm kind of with Hedwig here. There doesn't seem to be change in the main character and so much of the piece is expended upon knowing about him, I'm not sure how an editor might react to this as well- but I could be totally off the mark here. This is my first critique in ages (looking to get back into it) but rest assured that I was pleased with the piece and that it is good writing, might just need a tweak and addition to bring things up a level.

Just my 0.02c! Write on!
 

SundryHen

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Generally, an enjoyable read. I like the pace and the subtle tension you've managed to create in such a short story.
The only thing I had to stop at and reread a couple of times: 'Ron held the belt out like a dead snake in his hand and the figure started running toward him, knife held high above the attacker' < the phrasing in the highlighted part makes it sound like there is a second attacker and the figure is holding his knife above this second person. Perhaps rephrase for smoother read. Also, 'motherfucker' is spelled as one word.

Great read, thanks for sharing. I do hope you see this, I realise now it has been some time.

Best,
Sundry
 

TexasPoet

When Is It Dark Enough?
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Great input, all.

Working...I like the story and will incorporate your input and repost soon.

Cheers,
tp
 
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