True Friend(652 words)

jaus tail

Banned
Joined
Aug 10, 2013
Messages
7,091
Reaction score
430
Inside the hospital room Bob tapped Anita’s arm. “Wake up, teacher, I’ve come to see you. Wake up, teacher.”

With her eyes still shut, Bob looked at his watch. In an hour Pokemon would start and there was no way he could miss it. “Wake up, teacher. Please wake up.” He twisted the dial on the IV syringe to increase the flow.

Still sleeping.

Fed up he went to the shelf to pick the jar of water when a groan came from behind.

“You woke up!” Bob ran to her and hugged her. “I’m so happy you woke up, teacher. How are you?”

“Get off me, please,” she cried. “My hand is hurting.” She glanced at the syringe, up its path to the dial. The drops were flowing like a machine gun. “Who increased the flow?”

“The nurse did. Don’t worry, teacher, I’ll save you.” Bob twisted the dial in the opposite direction and stopped the flow of pain to Anita’s arm.

“Thank you,” she said, panting and shaking her head.

“You’re welcome, teacher, you’re welcome.” He sat on the bed and asked: “How are you now?”

“The doctor says it’ll take a few more days for me to recover.”

“Oh, dear, don’t worry, I’ll pray for you and soon you’ll be fine.”

“Thank you. That’s so sweet of you.” She looked back at the door. “You’ve come alone?”

“I asked others to come but they didn’t show much interest. I don’t know why. Maybe they are busy with other stuff. I just don’t know but I was sure I had to come to meet you.”

“Aren’t you the sweetest?” Anita raised her palm to Bob’s cheek and pressed it. “You’re my favorite student.”

“Really? Wow, thank you so much, teacher. I even brought a gift for you.” He ran to the door and picked a small box.

“What’s in that?” asked Anita.

“First get up.”

Anita’s face grimaced as she said: “I can’t get up, please. My back hurts.”

“Teacher, please.”

“I can’t.”

“Okay fine. Here’s the gift.” He placed it on her belly. The cardboard box trembled a bit. “Careful, teacher. Make sure it doesn’t fall. Jemu’ll get hurt.”

“Jemu?” asked Anita. Some purring sounds came from inside.

Scratching his head Bob looked at the ceiling and asked: “Won’t you open the box and see what your favorite student has brought for you?”

“Sure I’ll see.” Anita’s smile was persistent as she opened the two flaps on the top. She couldn’t see what was inside as the box was on her belly. She tilted the box towards her, and a scraggly brown kitten slid off and lay on her neck. “What the…” The kitten rubbed its head against Anita’s neck.

“Isn’t it lovely, teacher? I’ve named it Jemu.”

Anita’s face, that was till now grimaced with pain, threatened to crumble. She arched her head back a few times before a loud sneeze ran out of her nostrils.

“I’ll get you tissue, teacher.”

“Get this off me.” Her palm reached for the kitten, and while lifting it, the kitten grabbed the IV tube pulling the syringe off Anita’s wrist. Blood trickled off staining the bed sheet. Anita dropped the animal and covered her bleeding wrist with the other palm. The kitten, that had fallen on the floor, jumped on the bed and began licking the stain.

Anita’s whole body shivered as she took a few quick breathes. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling.

Bob grabbed the kitten and said: “Why did you do this, teacher?”

“You fool I am allergic to cats.”

“Well how am I supposed to know? I’ve never seen you with one.”

“That’s because I am allergic. Get out of here right now.”

“Fine.” He opened the box and put the kitten in it then walked out of the room. “Don’t worry, friend, I’ll take care of you.” He took Jemu home where the two watched Pokemon together.
 
Last edited:

LeadHead

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 19, 2012
Messages
309
Reaction score
52
Location
UK
Hi Jaus! I don't know what to think about this. It didn't really do anything for me and it read a little oddly :(

Anyway, here are some more specific thoughts:

Inside the hospital room Bob tapped Anita’s arm. “Wake up, teacher, I’ve come to see you. Wake up, teacher.” (already it sounds weird that Bob is always referring to Anita as "teacher")

With her eyes still shut, Bob looked at his watch (swapped the subject of the sentence here - stick to Anita or Bob or split it). In an hour Pokemon would start and there was no way he could miss it. “Wake up, teacher. Please wake up.” He twisted the dial on the IV syringe to increase the flow.

Still sleeping.

Fed up(comma) he went to the shelf to pick up the jar of water (again, "jar of water" sounds a little odd to me. Maybe "jug" would be better?) when a groan came from behind.

“You woke up!” Bob ran over to her and hugged her. “I’m so happy you woke up, teacher. How are you?”

“Get off me, please,” she cried. “My hand is hurting hurts (sounds more like what someone would say).” She glanced at the syringe, up its path to the dial ("glancing" is usually a really short action so it sounds weird to be glancing at something while looking to see where it came from). The drops were flowing like a machine gun. “Who increased the flow?”

“The nurse did. Don’t worry, teacher, I’ll save you.” (I hate Bob, even though he's a kid - where are his parents? Is there not a nurse around to stop him messing with things?) Bob twisted the dial in the opposite direction and stopped the flow of pain (so the liquid in the drip was causing her pain?) to Anita’s arm.

“Thank you,” she said, panting panted and shaking shook her head.

“You’re welcome, teacher, you’re welcome.” He sat on the bed and asked: “How are you now?”

“The doctor says it’ll take a few more days for me to recover.”

“Oh, dear, don’t worry, I’ll pray for you and soon you’ll be fine.”

“Thank you. That’s so sweet of you.” She looked back at the door. “You’ve come alone?”

“I asked others to come but they didn’t show much interest ("show much interest" doesn't really sound like something a kid would say, I would just write "want to" or "wanna"). I don’t know why. Maybe they are busy with other stuff. I just don’t know but I was sure I had to come to meet you *why does he think this?).”

“Aren’t you the sweetest?” Anita raised her palm to Bob’s cheek and pressed it. “You’re my favorite student.”

“Really? Wow, thank you so much, teacher. I even brought a gift for you.” He ran to the door and picked up ("picked" sounds like he chose it from a selection when I guess you mean "picked up") a small box.

“What’s in that?” asked Anita.

“First get up.”

Anita’s face grimaced as she said: “I can’t get up, please. My back hurts.”

“Teacher, please.”

“I can’t.”

“Okay fine. Here’s the gift.” He placed it on her belly. The cardboard box trembled a bit. “Careful, teacher. Make sure it doesn’t fall. Jemu’ll get hurt.”

“Jemu?” asked Anita. Some purring sounds came from inside.

Scratching his head(comma) Bob looked at the ceiling and asked: “Won’t you open the box and see what your favorite student has brought for you?” (why doesn't he just say "open it"?)

“Sure I’ll see.” Anita’s smile was persistent (seems like an odd choice of word) as she opened the two flaps on the top. She couldn’t see what was inside as the box was on her belly. She tilted the box towards her, and a scraggly brown kitten slid off and lay on her neck. “What the…” The kitten rubbed its head against Anita’s neck.

“Isn’t it lovely, teacher? I’ve named it Jemu.”

Anita’s face, that was till now grimaced with pain (have her grimace with pain earlier so that you aren't going back on yourself), threatened to crumble. She arched her head back a few times before a loud sneeze ran out of her nostrils.

“I’ll get you tissue, teacher.”

“Get this off me.” Her palm reached for the kitten, and while lifting it, the kitten grabbed the IV tube pulling the syringe off Anita’s wrist. Blood trickled off staining the bed sheet. Anita dropped the animal and covered her bleeding wrist with the other palm. The kitten, that had fallen on the floor (have the kitten fall the floor earlier), jumped on the bed and began licking the stain.

Anita’s whole body shivered as she took a few quick breathes. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling.

Bob grabbed the kitten and said: “Why did you do this, teacher?”

“You fool! I am I'm allergic to cats.” (makes the dialogue sound more natural)

“Well how am I supposed to know? I’ve never seen you with one.”

“That’s because I am I'm allergic. Get out of here right now.”

“Fine.” He opened the box(comma) and put the kitten in it then and walked out of the room. “Don’t worry, friend, I’ll take care of you.” He took Jemu home where the two watched Pokemon together.

On the second read-through I think I had problems with the dialogue (it sounds a bit robotic at times (e.g. "I am allergic" instead of "I'm allergic")), the main character (he's an annoying brat in my eyes :D) and the premise (who lets a kid run amok in a hospital!).

Anyway, there may be something in here you can use so best of luck with wherever you take this :)
 

Fruitbat

.
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 15, 2010
Messages
11,833
Reaction score
1,310
Hi Jaus. Here's a nitpicky line edit. Suggested cuts are red and suggest additions (plus comments) are blue. All just my opinion, of course. :p

Inside the hospital room Bob tapped Anita’s arm. “Wake up, teacher, .I’ve come to see you. Wake up, teacher.” Throughout, you have a lot of commas that should be periods.

With her eyes still shut, (as written, it sounds like Bob is a girl who looked at his watch with closed eyes, so it doesn't make sense) Bob looked at his watch. In an hour Pokemon would start and there was no way he could miss it. “Wake up, teacher. Please wake up.” He twisted the dial on the IV syringe to increase the flow. omg! :)

Still sleeping.

Fed up he went to the shelf to pick the jar of water when a groan came from behind.
I don't think this extra wait adds anything. Also, I don't know what "pick the jar of water" means. Throughout, I'll suggest cuts that I think will save words without losing meaning because every word counts with stories as short as flash fiction.

“You woke up!” Bob ran to her and hugged her. “I’m so happy you woke up, teacher. How are you?”

“Get off me, please,” she cried. “My hand is hurting.” She glanced at the syringe, and up its path to the dial. The drops were flowing like a machine gun. “Who increased the flow?” lol

“The nurse did. Don’t worry, teacher, . I’ll save you.” Bob twisted the dial in the opposite direction and stopped the flow of pain to Anita’s arm. ;)

“Thank you,” she said, panting and shaking her head. saves a few words. I don't think it really adds anything.

“You’re welcome, teacher,. (capitalize) you’re welcome.” He sat on the bed. and asked: “How are you now?”

“The doctor says it’ll take a few more days for me to recover.”

“Oh, dear, . (capitalize) don’t worry, I’ll pray for you and soon you’ll be fine.”

“Thank you. That’s so sweet of you.” She looked back at the door. “You’ve come alone?”

“I asked others to come but they didn’t show much interest. I don’t know why. Maybe they are busy with other stuff. I just don’t know but I was sure I had to come to meet you.” The MC seems to have a more childish, simple way of speaking so the parts in red sounded a tad off to me. Also, when he's calling her "Teacher" as her name, I think that could be capitalized.

“Aren’t you the sweetest?” Anita raised her palm to Bob’s cheek and pressed it. “You’re my favorite student.”

“Really? Wow, . (capitalize) thank you so much, teacher. I even brought a gift for you.” He ran to the door and picked up a small box. Ah, I see. As in the earlier line about the jar, you are leaving out "up." When someone physically lifts something, they don't "pick it," they "pick it up."

“What’s in that?” asked Anita.

“First get up.”

Anita’s face grimaced as she said: Anita grimaced.“I can’t get up, please. My back hurts.” Cutting "as she said" saves three words with no loss of meaning. Also, watch for body parts acting independently. A person's "face" doesn't grimace, the person grimaces.

“Teacher, please.”

“I can’t.”

“Okay fine. Here’s the gift.” He placed it on her belly. The cardboard box trembled a bit. “Careful, teacher. Make sure it doesn’t fall. Jemu’ll get hurt.”

“Jemu?” asked Anita. I didn't think that dialogue tag was needed because I already understood who was speaking there. When thre are only two people, you can often tell without a tag so it's not needed every time. Some purring sounds came from inside.

Scratching his headBob said, looked at the ceiling and asked: “Won’t you open the box and see what your favorite student has brought for you?” A comma is used before the dialogue, not a colon. Watch too many small motions because scratching heads, looking around and so on is not very interesting.

“Sure. I’ll see.” Anita’s smile was persistent as she opened the two flaps on the top. She couldn’t see what was inside as the box was on her belly. She tilted the box towards her, and a scraggly brown kitten slid off and lay on her neck. “What the…” The kitten rubbed its head against Anita’s neck. cute!

“Isn’t it lovely, teacher? I’ve named it Jemu.”

Anita’s face, that which was till 'til now grimaced with pain, threatened to crumble. She arched her head back a few times before a loud sneeze ran out of her nostrils.

“I’ll get you tissue, teacher.”

“Get this off me.” Her palmreached for the kitten, and while lifting it,. As she lifted the kitten, it grabbed the IV tube, pulling the syringe off out of Anita’s wrist. Blood trickled off out, staining the bed sheet. Anita dropped the animal and covered her bleeding wrist with the other palm. The kitten, that had fallen on the floor, jumped on the bed and began licking the stain. less detail does the same job here, I think.

Anita’s whole body Anita shivered as she took a few quick breathes. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling.

Bob grabbed the kitten. and said: “Why did you do this, teacher?”

“You fool, I am allergic to cats.”

“Well, how am I supposed to know? I’ve never seen you with one.”

“That’s because I am allergic. Get out of here right now.”

“Fine.” He opened the box and put the kitten back into the box, in it then walked out of the room. “Don’t worry, friend, I’ll take care of you.” He took Jemu home where the two watched Pokemon together.


I enjoyed this up until the end but then I was a bit disappointed at the ending. Endings are hard. Okay, so a kid visits his teacher in the hospital, hilariously turns up her IV, then gives her a cat that she's allergic to. She gets mad and tells him to leave so he takes the cat home and watches Pokeman as he wanted to. I think it needs more. It needs a problem resolution, a twist, or for the MC to be changed in some way from the beginning to the end, or something more than just "He did this, she did this, and then he went home. This story needs to be slapped harder!

It's a great start. You've got the kid's voice down just right, and the IV thing is hilarious. I think it just needs a little more development. Maybe think on it for a while. I really love the MC's good heart and horrible judgment. Maybe you could take that to the extreme and have him create a catastrophe then walk off cluelessly, lol. Or maybe show him arriving home and his poor parents trying to get him to go visit someone else so they can get some peace haha. Good luck with it.
 
Last edited:

jenische

Registered
Joined
Nov 18, 2016
Messages
10
Reaction score
2
Location
USA
I'm certainly not skilled enough to give you specific editing opinions, but I can tell you how it read to me. I'm not sure the mood you were going for, but I have to say it read far more dark and foreboding to me (but perhaps I'm just odd!). I felt like it was some creepy kid intenionally trying to hurt his teacher, which I honestly thought seemed like an interesting vignette of a larger story