Through the Void (200 words)

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Editing for authors: because every writer needs a good editor.

drewag

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I've deleted the original text. Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate you taking the time to review my work and provide feedback. It really helped me refine this story.
 
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fenyo

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I'm sorry, I still don't get it.
why through the void? is it a dream or not? did it happened or not? is it syfy and they are actually going to mars? what is the point of the story?
I'm not saying it is bad or that there is any thing wrong with it, but it is a bit confusing for me.
 

Elle.

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Hey drewag,

I am having the same issues as fenyo. I am spending too much time trying to figure out what is happening and it's taking away from me just being able to enjoy the story. From what I understand it's a man dreaming his wife laughed at him the first time they met and then wake up and realise it was all a dream. I'm not sure such a small narrative is the correct format for that kind of story. I read it and went "oh, that's it then?' It comes across as an excerpt from something longer.

Also some of the wording didn't work for me: the radiant eyes and their starlight came across as generic to me, and 'she exploded in a cacophony of laughter' didn't work and felt overwritten.

Also the sentence "My eyes ease open as I regain consciousness." is confusing as for me it implies someone losing consciousness or passing out, not someone waking up. I think that might one of the thing that trips the reader and confuses them as to what is happening. Ease open sounds awkward as well.

What did you want to convey to the reader when you wrote that story? How did you want them to feel or what did you want them to think about?

I hope this helps.
 

drewag

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Thank you both for your feedback!

I definitely need to do some clarification in the story! (I have answers to all of those questions but if I they weren't answered in the piece itself, that's a problem)

the radiant eyes and their starlight came across as generic to me

Hmm ok. The idea is that yes, he is indeed dreaming, because he is in stasis on his way to mars, and that is why it is infused with space imagery. But I don't want it to feel generic so I'll have to work on that.

"My eyes ease open as I regain consciousness." is confusing as for me it implies someone losing consciousness or passing out

This is great to know!
 

Elle.

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I'm all for space imagery to tie to the theme but make it different, more interesting than the usual "radiant" or "stardust". For example, you mentioned she has blue eyes: so could they be compared to a blue more radiant than the Eagle Nebula or a a blue that could rival the stars of the Pleiades, or a Beta Orionis star (which is one of the bluest and brightest star in the sky — google is your friend) etc... With specifics like that you can convey the space imagery but also implies that the MC is a spaceman who knows his stuff about space.
 

audibob1

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I second Elle. Some of the wording is good ("For so long, I've studied that dreamlike blue") but others seem stale (radiant, etc., see Elle's post) and/or out of place. (For example, the turn of phrase "her words blast through me" took me out of the story because it seemed so sudden and almost violent. I'm probably being way too picky, but those are my thoughts.)
 

A large christmas tree with lights outdoors in the snow, with a snowman, houses, and children