Shit. I'm totally dead money. That is exactly what is going on. I really don't want it to be true, but... I'm trying to sit down and trying play with the pros. Even if I'm great, the odds are still not in my favor. I am the amateur poker playing, thinking if I just keep betting on myself I will hit the jackpot. Meanwhile I lose all my money and fail to be taken seriously.
Well, if you are, in fact, dead money then all need not be lost. But to keep the poker analogy, you MUST honestly self-appraise your "game." Harboring vague thoughts like "I might be great, but among them I'm not great enough" is counter-productive. It is ego fluff. "I'm still great, it's just that it's SO HARD out there." Baloney.
May I share a story? (someone said, "Yes," and loudly. I'm sure I heard it!)
I played poker as a young man and into my early adulthood. I gambled at many things and was considered generally astute. I won more than I lost, in most endeavors. But then I got married and undertook raising a family, so I put aside my "childhood toys."
Years later I discovered Pokerstars and online gambling. Wow! Where has this been all my life? A poker game, for whatever stakes I want, available 'round the clock? I was in.
And for a several sessions I was the dead money. I lost each time, and a not insignificant amount of money. I was surprised (shocked?) confused, and wondered if online poker was in some way "fixed." It felt as if they could see my cards -- maybe they were seeing my cards?
So, I didn't play for awhile. I thought on it. Finally I decided that although a "cut-up game" could easily enough be arranged online -- with either "real" or computerized players -- it was much more likely I lacked the skills needed for this form of poker. It was not an easy admission (thankfully I valued my bankroll more than my delicate feelings).
I found and read a couple of books on internet poker (Texas Hold'em). I then played exclusively on the free side of the site, until I had committed to memory all of the automatic pre-flop calls and raises. Then I played in the penny stakes room until I'd made enough to stake myself in the nickel games. Then the dime games, quarter, etc., etc., etc., right on up the line. Eventually I transitioned to almost exclusively a tournament player. At my peak -- before Black Friday, when the US Treasury Department stole away our blessed poker -- I was ranked in the 98th percentile worldwide. I was on the cusp of becoming a full time (professional) poker player.
If that read like I was bragging, I apologize. I am proud, perhaps too proud, about what I accomplished playing poker. But I tell that story because how I set about becoming a winning poker player is the same method I've chosen to set about becoming a paid published novelist. It starts with my need to write better. Actually, it starts with my need to be brutally honest about how well I write at present. Most people fail at this step, and so I know if I can "buck up," I'm already ahead of the game. Then it's play in the free games until I dominate, move up in class ($.01), move up in class ($.05), etc., etc., etcetera.
The answer to a "dead money" player isn't to quit playing. It's to quit playing THAT game. Then it's find out what game you can play in and WIN. Then it's get better. Always get better. Before long you'll be the professional. I believe it.