The "T" Party.

[Diana Hignutt]

So I had a minor thing happen recently, but it derailed me from my writing and, well, normal life. I’m female, but I got called a “he” in a digital space. Which was probably just an honest mistake, but the writer referred to me as he multiple times. And for the first half second, I thought that was ridiculous. But for the rest of it, I felt…it’s hard to describe, but seen? Like someone had finally bothered to look inside and was like “oh yeah. That is a he.”

I’m used to using the female version of myself as the outside, business persona. I have to put her on so to speak. Mostly I feel either gender neutral or masculine and there’s been a few times where the pronoun ‘she’ rubbed me the wrong way. But I sort of pushed it all back down.

Kind of like what I’m slowly realizing I’ve been doing all my life? I wore baggy clothes as a kid and dressed as a boy and hated my breasts and my period. I kinda thought that was par for the course. Like maybe I was just being stubborn about growing up. But I’m seeing all these things in a different light. For the last year, I’ve told myself “yeah, if I had grown up in this era, I’d probably change my pronouns and stuff, but I didn’t so tough”. I just turned 35 and I thought, I’ve spent this long being okay in this body and others have it much worse, so…*shrug*

But then the “he” thing happened and I couldn’t work or sleep. I talked to my sister who helped. She showed me some videos and friends she knew that were trans. And I guess I’ve been burying my head in the sand, because I didn’t realize how T could completely transform your body. I spent the rest of the night watching comparison video after video and being what I can only describe as jealous.

So I’m very confused now. Everyone keeps saying take your time and sort it out, but it feels like there’s this urgency that wasn’t there before. Like if I don’t address it now, I’ll push it away again? And it feels all of a sudden fundamental that I don’t. So I guess I’m just wondering if this normal or if I’m overreacting?

Sorry for the word vomit of feelings.

It's 100% normal. Don't apologize for how you feel.

 

[Sinuka]

Oh my, this is a really interesting thread!
This might not be very specific but I would love to maybe hear some thoughts in general:

I am a pansexual manga author and most of my cast will be queer folk. I want to display a world where people don't give a single damn about who loves who, as what people identify, etc. Basically a world where LGBTQIA+ is absolutely common (they way it is supposed to be!). People have more than enough "good" reasons to hate and kill each other in the story, no worries. It takes place in a gang-infested metropolis after all.

Now, I am not that deep in the queer game yet. I try to learn constantly in order to understand and treat others as good and respectful as possible. However, I am a little worried that I might make mistakes in my depictions of the different queer characters in the story. Of course, I won't cram stereotypes or prejudices into them, oh hell nah. I will try to make them as realistic as possible.
And I know that the community is very understanding and helpful. Still, I am worried that I might heavily offend or hurt someone by accident.

 

[ChaseJxyz]

So I’m very confused now. Everyone keeps saying take your time and sort it out, but it feels like there’s this urgency that wasn’t there before. Like if I don’t address it now, I’ll push it away again? And it feels all of a sudden fundamental that I don’t. So I guess I’m just wondering if this normal or if I’m overreacting?

When you figure it out, it really is like a lightning strike moment. All of those things youv'e done in the past, all those feelings of disconnect/discomfort that you thought were normal (what teenager DOESNT hate their changing body?), they're now Signs that you've been trans all along. It can be pretty overwhelming!

For some people, they want to "address" this and start making changes right away. Others want to wait and make sure they're 100% sure. Hormones and surgeries cause irreversible changes, but things like how you dress, how you do your hair, and what names/pronouns people use for you on the Internet or (very chill) friend groups aren't. Surgeries are the only thing where you have to PROVE you are trans and have "been trans" for x months/years, but that's because insurance is ass. Some states might require you to be trans or have certain procedures done before you can legally change things, but others there's no such requirement.

I don't think you're overreacting! You can start making changes today if you want. When you're getting into the medical/legal leg of it, though, make sure you do your research so you know what you're getting into, the costs involve, the various pains in the asses that crop up (dealing with used sharps, your credit score taking a hit when you get a new name).

Feel free to DM me if you have questions about masculinizing HRT or surgeries. I can give tips on insurance/the medical system, too, if you're in the US.

Also, do be aware that there are people that are stupid and say shit like "there's no point in transitioning after 30/28/26/25/21/18/15/16/13. It's too late!!!" Yes, if you want MAXIMUM results, you need to get on this before "normal" puberty hits, but the vast majority of trans people aren't able to do that (either they haven't figured it out yet, their parents/society weren't supportive, or they couldn't afford it). There's no such thing as it being too late to transition. HRT is nuts, it changes so many things. But, more importantly, it's replacing a vital chemical your brain needs that it isn't currently getting. And that'll make your life better in so many ways that psych meds or therapy can never do.

 

[ChaseJxyz]

Now, I am not that deep in the queer game yet. I try to learn constantly in order to understand and treat others as good and respectful as possible. However, I am a little worried that I might make mistakes in my depictions of the different queer characters in the story. Of course, I won't cram stereotypes or prejudices into them, oh hell nah. I will try to make them as realistic as possible.
And I know that the community is very understanding and helpful. Still, I am worried that I might heavily offend or hurt someone by accident.

That's why you get "sensitivity readers." I'm pansexual and transmasculine/nonbinary, but I have friends I can ask about transfeminine stuff, or asexual stuff, or lesbian stuff. My sister is a very good resource for the latter, and it was very funny hearing her talk about The Locked Tomb trilogy, because it's a sapphic story and there's the "sapphic gaze" towards the attractive women, so the things the narrative focuses on to telegraph "this person is hot" is very different than what a cishet writer would do.

The one thing that I would recommend you not touch, though, is "two spirit" stuff. It's this umbrella term used by Indigenous people in America, but it doesn't really mean "queer," or "trans" or even "gay." It's its own unique thing. But even WITHIN Indigenous groups, there is debate on what it means, or even if it should be used at ALL, as not all Indigenous cultures even had a concept of queer people. As a white person, all I can do is stay in my lane and not use any of that.

Also, it's impossible to make something that doesn't hurt/offend EVERYONE. One of my characters is a smith, and she's a trans woman, and I know that there's going to be a lot of trans women who'll like that, because that's the kind of stuff they do as a hobby. But I also know there's going to be people who WON'T like that, because, oh, that is just a stereotype that all trans women know how to work a soldering iron and code in Rust! Some people want their queer characters to be Exactly The Same As Everyone Else, but there are also people who think being nonbinary isn't valid, you have to be a binary gender, and you need to transition all parts of your body, if you do anything less than assimilate as a cishet person, then you're not really trans, you're just [insert horrible thing here].

But a lot of these people, I've found, have their own damage to get over. It's like when you're first figuring out you're trans and you see other trans people "farther along" than you and it makes you dysphoric. It's not okay to tell other trans people they can't celebrate their progress or post pics of themselves because it makes you feel bad. You need to work on your own problems. If seeing a gay trans man who's a bottom makes you feel disgusted, well, that is on you, dude. It's like how there's people who will get offended that you have queer characters, at all. You know not to listen to them, because they're not worth making happy. People who want to start shit with you because you say asexuals are queer or other dumb arguments aren't worth changing what you're writing to pacify, because they just want to erase experiences to fit their narrow view of "acceptable"/"respectable" queer folk.

 

[Shadowlark]

It's 100% normal. Don't apologize for how you feel.

Thank you. Just hearing that helps.

When you figure it out, it really is like a lightning strike moment. All of those things youv'e done in the past, all those feelings of disconnect/discomfort that you thought were normal (what teenager DOESNT hate their changing body?), they're now Signs that you've been trans all along. It can be pretty overwhelming!

For some people, they want to "address" this and start making changes right away. Others want to wait and make sure they're 100% sure. Hormones and surgeries cause irreversible changes, but things like how you dress, how you do your hair, and what names/pronouns people use for you on the Internet or (very chill) friend groups aren't. Surgeries are the only thing where you have to PROVE you are trans and have "been trans" for x months/years, but that's because insurance is ass. Some states might require you to be trans or have certain procedures done before you can legally change things, but others there's no such requirement.

I don't think you're overreacting! You can start making changes today if you want. When you're getting into the medical/legal leg of it, though, make sure you do your research so you know what you're getting into, the costs involve, the various pains in the asses that crop up (dealing with used sharps, your credit score taking a hit when you get a new name).

Feel free to DM me if you have questions about masculinizing HRT or surgeries. I can give tips on insurance/the medical system, too, if you're in the US.

Also, do be aware that there are people that are stupid and say shit like "there's no point in transitioning after 30/28/26/25/21/18/15/16/13. It's too late!!!" Yes, if you want MAXIMUM results, you need to get on this before "normal" puberty hits, but the vast majority of trans people aren't able to do that (either they haven't figured it out yet, their parents/society weren't supportive, or they couldn't afford it). There's no such thing as it being too late to transition. HRT is nuts, it changes so many things. But, more importantly, it's replacing a vital chemical your brain needs that it isn't currently getting. And that'll make your life better in so many ways that psych meds or therapy can never do.

Everything you said makes me feel a lot better. Thanks a bunch.

I think I’m going to start with the small stuff (hair, clothes, etc.) like you said and see how I feel. I just had my birthday party with the family last night and kept getting called the “birthday girl”. Which made me cringe every time but is not their fault at all. I told them I was questioning but didn’t specify any pronouns yet. They basically just said “Well of course you’re a masculine girl. You’ve always been that way.”

Anyway, onward and upward. I’m very glad for this thread and thankful.

 

[Diana Hignutt]

Hey. I know things seem pretty dark right now for trans people, but I just want to remind you that no one knows the future, and there is still hope. Try to remember that. Keep your chin up. Tomorrow can be better than today.

 

[frimble3]

(dealing with used sharps, ).

I've been following this with interest and sympathy, and finally I may have something to suggest!
Don't know where you are, or what the medical system is like, but, in Canada my pharmacy provides a special sharps container. It can free with my first batch of insulin. Toss the sharp into the plastic box, which has an angled top on it so children and pets can't get in, and when the box is full, return it for replacement and safe disposal.
I am a diabetic, but I can't imagine that a pharmacy would deny one to anyone taking regular injections. It's a public safety thing.

 

[Unimportant]

I've been following this with interest and sympathy, and finally I may have something to suggest!
Don't know where you are, or what the medical system is like, but, in Canada my pharmacy provides a special sharps container. It can free with my first batch of insulin. Toss the sharp into the plastic box, which has an angled top on it so children and pets can't get in, and when the box is full, return it for replacement and safe disposal.
I am a diabetic, but I can't imagine that a pharmacy would deny one to anyone taking regular injections. It's a public safety thing.

Same in New Zealand. Sharps containers are definitely a thing. For commercial places like vet clinics, they pay to have them disposed of and replaced, but for patients it's part of the funded system.

 

[ChaseJxyz]

Re sharps: you can BUY shaprs containers easily enough, it's just finding a place that takes them BACK that is the issue. The next town over is doing a Big Dangerous Waste pickup, so I'll be offloading my accumulated sharps containers, old medicine, and various electronics. But because of covid protocols, they have to be in the back trunk of your car so you pop the trunk and someone else takes them out for you. Which sucks because I don't have a car. But my roommate does, and she has electronics to offload.

There is a free clinic in Berekely that has a sharps drop-off container, but it's supposed to be for people experiencing homelessness and etc. And the CVS sharps containers I was buying "comes with sharps return" but you have to buy/print out a shipping label for $20+ to do that which....man, fuck that. The list of places that take medical waste on the county website is horribly out of date or it's like. I'm not going to a police station to hand over sharps/old medicines. I don't want them hassling me or assuming I'm using controlled substances. ACAB.

 

[StarsForScales]

For the last year, I’ve told myself “yeah, if I had grown up in this era, I’d probably change my pronouns and stuff, but I didn’t so tough”. I just turned 35 and I thought, I’ve spent this long being okay in this body and others have it much worse, so…*shrug*

There absolutely isn't an age limit on transition, or a minimum amount of discomfort you must be feeling before you can explore whether you might be happier a different way. If you do want to take some time to process while also moving forward in a way, one option might be talking to a supportive therapist - someone who can help you figure out what sort of changes you're hoping to see in your body and life because of this.

 

[frimble3]

Re sharps: you can BUY shaprs containers easily enough, it's just finding a place that takes them BACK that is the issue. The next town over is doing a Big Dangerous Waste pickup, so I'll be offloading my accumulated sharps containers, old medicine, and various electronics. But because of covid protocols, they have to be in the back trunk of your car so you pop the trunk and someone else takes them out for you. Which sucks because I don't have a car. But my roommate does, and she has electronics to offload.

There is a free clinic in Berekely that has a sharps drop-off container, but it's supposed to be for people experiencing homelessness and etc. And the CVS sharps containers I was buying "comes with sharps return" but you have to buy/print out a shipping label for $20+ to do that which....man, fuck that. The list of places that take medical waste on the county website is horribly out of date or it's like. I'm not going to a police station to hand over sharps/old medicines. I don't want them hassling me or assuming I'm using controlled substances. ACAB.

$20 for a shipping label? And then you have to wrap and mail it? Or, if you 'just' return it to CVS, they're gouging you!
Next time you see a nurse/doctor, ask for a note to take to the police stating your legitimate desire to dispose of potentially dangerous items.
What real junkie would dispose of sharps or meds when they could sell or trade them?
Or, is the Berkeley drop off near you? It may be intended for people who are homeless, etc., but surely your occasional drop off would count as 'etc'? Perhaps spot someone sketchy going in with their little bundle, and give them a couple of bucks to take yours in as well? Even if you gave them $20 instead of CVS, at least you'd have the warm glow of 'sticking it to the Man'.

 

[ChaseJxyz]

Next time you see a nurse/doctor, ask for a note to take to the police stating your legitimate desire to dispose of potentially dangerous items.
What real junkie would dispose of sharps or meds when they could sell or trade them?

I a'int going to the cops for anything. 10% of the county sheriff deputies were just put on (paid ) leave because they just figured out that if you fail your psych eval, you're not supposed to be hired. Cause one of them did a double murder and turns out he failed his psych eval, but that didn't prevent him from being hired (nor was his failing his probationary period at his previous LEO position). Plus, I don't expect them to be smart enough to realize that my expired epi-pens and thyroid meds aren't recreational substances.

The only things you should ever say to the police are "why am I being stopped?" "am I being detained or am I free to go?" or "I'm not speaking without an attorney present." Anything else is just creating opportunities for them to create false narratives to falsely accuse you of crimes. Dropping off sharps/meds is handing them "evidence," so why in the world would I ever do that?

Plus, words like "junkie" and "sketchy" aren't very cool. A lot of folx who have substance use issues are LGBTQ and language like that shames people. If we want people to stop using (which is what all anti-drug people want, isn't it?), passing judgment and starting interactions by looking down on them isn't going to make them want to trust you/work with you.

 

[StarsForScales]

I guess I could introduce myself in this thread as well! I (Nyx) am a non-binary person who has been on T for the better part of a decade. I am pretty well settled in my body and gender at this point, though I have been drifting back into a more feminine presentation lately - it just hits different when people assume you to be a pretty guy instead of a woman. Or, even better, when they aren't quite sure what to make of you at all.

 

[StarsForScales]

Speaking of not knowing what to make of you, I was called 'young lady' at the grocery store yesterday and instantly turned into Obi-Wan Kenobi. "Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time..."