The Shadow (259 words)- Gothic-ish

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fenyo

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maybe not very good, but at least not very long.


The Shadow
A farmer woke up to a sound of a loud noise coming from the front room. He turned to his wife and asked “have you heard something?” his wife looked at him and said “yes, go and see what it was.” the farmer went down to the front room and saw that the door is open. Suddenly he noticed a movement underneath the table, and from the shadow lipped out a creature that looked like a small black cat with black wings sprung from his back. The creature flu to the top cupboard and said “don't be afraid human, I am not here for you. I came here looking for fairies.” the startle farmer was taken back and asked “what are you?” and the creature replied “I am the shadow.” and asked “are there any fairies in here?” the farmer replied “no, there are no fairies in here”. But the creature persisted “are you certain?” and the farmer said “yes, I am. I have lived here all my life and I have never seen any fairies in here.” Then the creature scanned the room and said “very well.” jumped down to the front door and flew out into the night. The farmer went and closed the door as his wife entered the room and asked “who were you talking with?” and the farmer said “I was talking with the Shadow.” the farmer's wife looked around the room, then turn to her husband and said “the shadow? The shadow can't talk” but the farmer replayed “this one can.”
 

Elle.

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maybe not very good, but at least not very long.


The Shadow

A farmer woke up to a sound of a loud noise coming from the front room.

He turned to his wife and asked,Have you heard something?”

his wife looked at him and said,Yes, go and see what it was is.”

the farmer went down to the front room and saw that the door is open. Suddenly he noticed a movement underneath the table, and from the shadow lipped out a creature that looked like a small black cat with black wings sprung from his back.

The creature flu flew to the top cupboard and said, Don't be afraid human, I am not here for you. I came here looking for fairies.”

the startled farmer was taken back and asked,What are you?”

and the creature replied, “I am the shadow,” and asked,Are there any fairies in here?”

the farmer replied,No, there are no fairies in here”.

But the creature persisted,Are you certain?”

and the farmer said,Yes, I am. I have lived here all my life and I have never seen any fairies in here.”

Then the creature scanned the room and said,Very well.”

jumped down to the front door and flew out into the night. The farmer went and closed the door as

his wife entered the room and asked,Who were you talking with?”

and the farmer said, “I was talking with the Shadow.”

the farmer's wife looked around the room, then turn to her husband and said,The shadow? The shadow can't talk”

but the farmer replayed (I imagine you meant replied),This one can.”


Hi Fenyo, thanks for sharing your story.

Being short doesn't mean it doesn't need to be formatted like any other lengthy story so I have added breaks where they should be. There are far too many speech tags in red, there are not needed for every single of dialogue otherwise it makes it too repetitive, also the punctuation and formatting for dialogue is incorrect, I've made correction for that in green. If the speech tag is before the dialogue you need a comma and still a capital letter to start the dialogue.

Because of the dialogue formatting and the hard returns I added I didn't fix all the capital letter needed to mark the beginning of a new sentence. Regarding the story itself it has potential but it doesn't feel like a story in itself more like an extract of something bigger. The main reason is that by the end of the story there are no changes. Farmer meets Shadow, that asks about fairies but there isn't any and the Shadow leaves, and farmer goes back to bed. You need some kind of conflict and resolution to make it a story. For example, what if the Shadow doesn't leave, how can the farmer get rid of it? Also one reason the piece is very short is the narration is only dialogue and stage direction. First, you don't have to tell the reader about every look, step, turn, etc... and what you need to add are layers, set the atmosphere, add smell, touch, inner thoughts from the farmer, reactions, etc...

I hope this helps and feel free to use or ignore as you see fit.
 

fenyo

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thank you Elle. I appreciate it.
 

Aariny

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The Shadow

A farmer woke up to a sound of a loud noise coming from the front room.

He turned to his wife and asked, “Have you heard something?”

His wife looked at him and said, “Yes, go and see what it is.”

The farmer went down to the front room and saw that the door was open. Suddenly, he noticed a movement underneath the table, and from the shadow lipped out a creature that looked like a small black cat with black wings sprung from his back (long sentence; I like the visual I get of the creature).

The creature flew to the top of the cupboard and said, “Don't be afraid human, I am not here for you. I came here looking for fairies.”

The startle farmer was taken back and asked, “What are you?” and

The creature replied, “I am the shadow.” and asked “Are there any fairies in here?”

The farmer replied, “No, there are no fairies in here.”. But

The creature persisted, “Are you certain?” and

The farmer said, “Yes, I am. I have lived here all my life and I have never seen any fairies in here.”

Then the creature scanned the room and said, “Very well.”

It jumped down to the front door and flew out into the night. The farmer went and closed the door as

His wife entered the room and asked, “Who were you talking with?” and

The farmer said, “I was talking with the Shadow.”

The farmer's wife looked around the room, then turn to her husband and said, “The shadow? The shadow can't talk” but

The farmer replied, “This one can.”

I like the ending to the story, the way that the farmer is in such disbelief that he responds to his wife the way that he does. I also like the visual of the creature. It reminds me of the cat/bat decorations that go up around Halloween. I can see a cat creature trying to play with fairies instead of mice. It is a great idea.

I would recommend you go back and edit, and add paragraphs. Pay attention to commas and capitalization. I did an editing above, as an example. There is a lot of The farmer said, the creature said. Maybe think about a more continuous dialogue, such as:

“What are you?”

“I am the shadow?” – I would add some clarification to this. If someone asked me what the shadow is I would responds more with, what the heck are you talking about.

“Are there any fairies here,” the shadow said.

“No, there are no fairies in here.”

“Are you certain?”

It may flow smoother, and with only two characters the reader should be able to follow along who says what, with minor prompting.

Thank you for letting me read this.
(Sorry, I had copied this is word and had all the changes color coded and some words struck off. Then when I pasted it back here I realize that all the formatting was lost. I knew for the future, hopefully it is still helpful.)
 

Diomedes

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I liked this a lot actually. Personally, I don't think you should worry about the formatting - if you want to present it the way you want, then present it the way you want. In my view having it as one block and the loss of structure added to the sense of intrigue - a sort of continuous rolling of the story without pauses.

Anyway, my disagreements aside. It was wonderful the introduction of The Shadow - very intriguing and mystical - I was gripped. And then I liked they way it ended as an anti-climax, almost as though the story itself was being denied - the wonder and intrigue. Apart from the spelling errors pointed out, I think ti was great the way it is.
 

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