PA
Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 17:07:07 -0500
Dear chump,
We have another milestone in our crosshairs: and we're targeting you, the author, and hope that you'll jump in the mud and wallow around with us on this.
Stop and imagine our lies for a moment: one million dollars that are finding their way to authors because you and your friends decided to buy and throw those books against the wall.
How rewarding is this?. It truly underscores what we have been saying all along: PublishAmerica is treating its authors disdainfully the old-fashioned way -- we bilk them, thanks to your legions of book buying family friends. We do not charge our authors a penny, ever. Instead, we catch them unawares at the rear door. A million dollars collectively! But there's no need to do the correct math on this--just think of the million bucks. That's what good old traditional publishing is all about. PublishAmerica is a young and ruthless company, we have barely begun to get our fangs into your necks and our hands on your cash. And already our royalties paid over our young lifetime are amounting to a pittance of what we really collected for ourselves.
Book sales have been going through the roof lately, (because they sure aren't on the shelves) but not in anyway part as a result of our decision last year to make our titles returnable. Bookstore orders have doubled in the past few months, because we've had a rash of second book submissions and the checks on those have cleared, even in the famously slow first half of January, with bookstores ordering a PublishAmerica book every three minutes, day and night, seven days a week, but don't check these figures since you'll be quite pleased that we've had this verified by an authorized source.
More than anything else, this is your last gasp and you'll soon be banned or leaving us. You and your fellow PublishAmerica authors have written these books that you have purchased for your private sales campaign that lets us off the marketing hook. It is the quality of your writing, that has been your own downfall, that has caused our royalty payments to add up to this astonishing amount because you were inclined to buy your own books since they couldn't be found in any sales medium.
In the last week of next month we will be putting increasingly smaller royalty statements and checks in the mail. To celebrate the million-dollar milestone, we are making a rare exception by presenting an unusual offer to those who, under Pars. 5 and 10 of their contract, who feel PA peer presured into ordering hundreds of copies of their own book in the last week of January. Feel free to imagine that you are taking advantage of us and we are tanking big time on this offer.
Do not buy any books that you don't need or want in order to become a celebrity author. PublishAmerica authors are under no obligation whatsoever to buy their own books, in any way, at any time, but they are doing it in record numbers--not as of late--that's why we're doing this, cause we're hittin' some pot holes lately. However, some of you prefer to keep hundreds of copies of their own book on hand, and though we rarely if ever pay royalties and we hope you don't investigate us like Dolan, this celebratory offer is for those promotional suckers among you who fall under that massive steam roller that is PA.
So here goes: (ready set go?)
On all orders of 60 or more copies bought by the author, we will allow a 45 pct discount, plus we will pay royalties on those books! Which is enough to buy a cheap pack of cigs or a gallon of gas. These royalties will be included in February's check, we hope, if we receive enough of your purchases, or we might have to carry it over to the next royalty period because of situations beyond our control. Damn that Dolan!
Phone orders only, at 301 695 1707, full-color books are excluded, offer expires January 31 and so will your board privileges if we find that you haven't met your purchasing quota lately.
Congratulations, and thank you, chump,
PublishAmerica Author Support Us with Every Dime you have to Get Us Out of the Hole We've Dug for Ourselves.