The Goose and the Gander-572 words

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Detri Redmond

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((Contains some profanity))
Suspense?
Be as harsh as needed. I've submitted it one place I don't expect it to be accepted but yeah...

The Goose and the Gander


Drip…

Came the sound of the bathroom sink faucet. He repeatedly played it out over and over in his head searching for something he may have missed. This can’t be happening? He had planned everything so thoroughly. Had pretended to be the most loving and caring husband in front of family, friends or anyone who would have taken notice.

Drip…

After the crippled bitch was dead, from his carefully planned accident that is, his mistress Sharon and himself would marry, run off and travel the world. They would finally be free to love and enjoy life just as he deserved. All paid expenses courtesy of the soon to be dearly departed. Why should he be trapped, held back, made miserable by taking care of a wife who was now no longer suitable?

Drip…

The floor underneath him is cold. The throbbing pain from where he hit his head on the side of the tub when he went down was further away now. He knew he could not have had that much wine to drink that evening. He tried to move again but to no avail hoping to god that he would not have to share her fate.

Drip…

When the door to the bathroom creaked open, and he heard his wife ask, “Jake, are you ok in there?” Thank god, was his first thought. She would see him in this predicament and hurry to call 911 and all would be well. He would be saved. And she would be placed right back on the fast track to giving him the life he wanted. One without her in it.

Drip…

She peeked around the door, saw him, and pushed it open the remainder of the way. She rolled her wheelchair in. “Help.” He moaned the word out as best he could. She reached in her lap for what he initially thought would be her cell. It was not. It was a bag. A bag from which she pulled bottles of pills from as if that would help the situation in any possible way at all. This did not surprise him in the least being the useless, crippled, hag that she is.

Drip…

However, what came next did surprise him. She carefully emptied some of the pills in the bathroom sink before discarding a bottle here and there and doing the same near where he lay on the floor. After becoming apparently satisfied she said, “Perfect” then slowly rolled the wheelchair back out of the bathroom before softly closing the door behind her. That had indeed surprised him…

Drip…

The door creaked open again and he felt the tendrils of hope creeping back in. Of course she could not go through with it. He is her husband after all. They had had many great years together before she had become confined to the wheel chair. The same thoughts tormented him before he decided to push through them and set in motion his own plans of getting rid of her.

Drip…

She smiled through the cracked door, “Thanks for dinner babe.” Then closed the door once again. “Mother was right,” He could hear her voice drifting further away. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

Drip… Drop.

END
 
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Hedwig

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I love the irony of this piece. It reminds me of "The Very Gentle Murders" by Ray Bradbury.

You have successfully painted the main character as the villain who, the audience is gratified to discover, gets his comeuppance. I do think the story, as laid out now, is too obvious. Rather than stating the MC's plans outright, I think the story would be much improved through implication. Let the reader infer what the main character plans to do, then when his wife comes to "kill" him instead, the reader can confirm their suspicions about the MC are true.

This is a great start, and I'd be really interested to see another draft.


P.S. I'm sorry nobody has commented on this until now. I'm usually only on once a week and tend to forget some of my favorite forums!
 
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DanielSTJ

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This was a gripping piece of flash. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it and I wish you luck with your submitting process! =-)
 

Elle.

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I like this and the irony in the story but like Hedwig I think it would be improved if you imply the MC's nefarious plan and let the reader connect the dots instead of being too on the nose. I believe it will make for more powerful piece.

I hope this helps.
 

Detri Redmond

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Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to read and reply. I will take your crits into consideration and revisit the piece. Sorry for the late reply rl has been being a little too real life lately lol.

Edit: I sent it out to The New Yorker like 4 months ago and just got a form rejection. Not surprised :)
 
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Krampus Nacht

St. Nicholas and Krampus