Sundown - 115 words

[BenPanced]

(This is probably my second attempt at flash fiction, the first being <garbled in transmission> years ago during my APA/fanzine days, before I think the term had even been coined. It was prompted by a picture of a rodeo participant and his leather man boyfriend walking hand in hand, taken from behind. Just thought I'd share it and see if I'm on the right track.)

---

He squeezed his hand. "You brought the oils with you, right?"

"Of course. As always."

"Completely therapeutic, I'm sure."

"After watching you today, completely therapeutic."

"The doctor said I could probably finish out the rodeo cycle this year, but...I don't know."

"Come on, babe. We've already had this talk."

"It's tough, man. Giving up everything I know and love."

"Well. Not everything, I hope."

"You know what I mean, goofball."

"How's the rest of the crew taking it?"

"I haven't told them yet, but I think they suspect something's up. I'll do it tonight at the awards party. Try to go out on a high."

"Sundown's beautiful tonight."

He squeezed his hand. "Yeah. It is."

 

[Glass Valkyrie]

Hello!

Please take everything with much salt. This is all just one person's opinion.

To me, this was not at all clear. For one, I have no idea who is talking, which is a problem for me in a piece that is 99% dialogue. In fact, the only non-dialogue text is the same in the first and last lines, I am assuming this is intentional? I've read it through several times trying to get a firmer grasp of what exactly is going on and I still cannot say 100%. Even in flash fiction, although the word counts are low, there still needs to be a story structure - beginning, middle, and end. This to me just feels like I walked up to someone in the middle of a conversation I'm not meant to be a part of, except in this I can't even tell who is talking. Unless you are trying for a drabble (100 words) then there is room to add here to give the reader more of the story.

I hope something here helps you. Good luck in your revisions!

 

[BenPanced]

Thanks for taking the time!

 

[MRFAndover]

On the other hand, I had no trouble following who was talking. Dude 1 is the rodeo guy who gets the first and last words, and Dude 2 is goofball.

There is something sweet about it. But it seems a little bit like a snippet, or as Glass says, like a middle without a beginning or end. I'm going to have to read it a few more times and compare it to a couple of things.

Please keep in mind that I am no expert. I write mostly nonfiction and have written only a handful of flash fiction. I'm at the "a story has a beginning, middle, and end" stage.

 

[NoirSuede]

Is this even legal ????

 

[BenPanced]

On the other hand, I had no trouble following who was talking. Dude 1 is the rodeo guy who gets the first and last words, and Dude 2 is goofball.

There is something sweet about it. But it seems a little bit like a snippet, or as Glass says, like a middle without a beginning or end. I'm going to have to read it a few more times and compare it to a couple of things.

Please keep in mind that I am no expert. I write mostly nonfiction and have written only a handful of flash fiction. I'm at the "a story has a beginning, middle, and end" stage.

Thanks for taking the time and commenting!

 

[ivylass]

I think if you have to preface a story with an explanation as to what inspired you, your story needs a bit more work. It should stand on its own. I think your inspiration is intriguing, but I agree...without the explanation, I would have been lost.