Sundown - 115 words

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BenPanced

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(This is probably my second attempt at flash fiction, the first being <garbled in transmission> years ago during my APA/fanzine days, before I think the term had even been coined. It was prompted by a picture of a rodeo participant and his leather man boyfriend walking hand in hand, taken from behind. Just thought I'd share it and see if I'm on the right track.)


He squeezed his hand. "You brought the oils with you, right?"

"Of course. As always."

"Completely therapeutic, I'm sure."

"After watching you today, completely therapeutic."

"The doctor said I could probably finish out the rodeo cycle this year, but...I don't know."

"Come on, babe. We've already had this talk."

"It's tough, man. Giving up everything I know and love."

"Well. Not everything, I hope."

"You know what I mean, goofball."

"How's the rest of the crew taking it?"

"I haven't told them yet, but I think they suspect something's up. I'll do it tonight at the awards party. Try to go out on a high."

"Sundown's beautiful tonight."

He squeezed his hand. "Yeah. It is."
 

Glass Valkyrie

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Hello! :hi:

Please take everything with much salt. This is all just one person's opinion.

To me, this was not at all clear. For one, I have no idea who is talking, which is a problem for me in a piece that is 99% dialogue. In fact, the only non-dialogue text is the same in the first and last lines, I am assuming this is intentional? I've read it through several times trying to get a firmer grasp of what exactly is going on and I still cannot say 100%. Even in flash fiction, although the word counts are low, there still needs to be a story structure - beginning, middle, and end. This to me just feels like I walked up to someone in the middle of a conversation I'm not meant to be a part of, except in this I can't even tell who is talking. Unless you are trying for a drabble (100 words) then there is room to add here to give the reader more of the story.

I hope something here helps you. Good luck in your revisions!
 

MRFAndover

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On the other hand, I had no trouble following who was talking. Dude 1 is the rodeo guy who gets the first and last words, and Dude 2 is goofball.

There is something sweet about it. But it seems a little bit like a snippet, or as Glass says, like a middle without a beginning or end. I'm going to have to read it a few more times and compare it to a couple of things.

Please keep in mind that I am no expert. I write mostly nonfiction and have written only a handful of flash fiction. I'm at the "a story has a beginning, middle, and end" stage.
 

BenPanced

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On the other hand, I had no trouble following who was talking. Dude 1 is the rodeo guy who gets the first and last words, and Dude 2 is goofball.

There is something sweet about it. But it seems a little bit like a snippet, or as Glass says, like a middle without a beginning or end. I'm going to have to read it a few more times and compare it to a couple of things.

Please keep in mind that I am no expert. I write mostly nonfiction and have written only a handful of flash fiction. I'm at the "a story has a beginning, middle, and end" stage.

Thanks for taking the time and commenting!
 

ivylass

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I think if you have to preface a story with an explanation as to what inspired you, your story needs a bit more work. It should stand on its own. I think your inspiration is intriguing, but I agree...without the explanation, I would have been lost.