Shaving - 230 words

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TexasPoet

When Is It Dark Enough?
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It always takes me too long to shave. I stand there, lathered, looking like a rabid baboon, sucking in my gut for the no one else in the room and that stupid look in my reflection asking “where should I start. I always begin at my right side burn, but I still have to think about it every morning like “hey, this is the morning I start somewhere else.” No matter where I place the razor, I’ll have the same face tomorrow morning, the same turbid stare, the same middle-management job and an inbox overflowing with “Urgent - I need it by noon today” emails. That shit takes its toll on body and soul. Growing old gracefully is the kind of crap that only happens in the movies. The best you can do is ease into a memory of some lakeside picnic in a secluded spot, where everything was legs, meaningful kisses and heavy breathing and forgetting about the potato salad going bad in the sun; eyes that looked at you as though they were beholding a king or Elvis or the second coming of Christ, or maybe all three. Now, where was I….shit…it’s 6:30…I should be on the tollway by now…..why does it take so long to shave? Now, let’s see…..where should I start?




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It always takes me too long to shave my face. I stand there, lathered, looking like a rabid baboon, sucking in my gut for the no one else in the room
and that stupid look in my reflection asking “where I should I start. I always start at my right sideburn, but I still have to think about it every morning like “hey, this is the morning I start somewhere else and that will change everything else in my life that sucks.” No matter where I place the razor, I’ll have the same face tomorrow morning, the same turbid look on my face, the same middle-managementjob and an inbox overflowing with “Urgent - I need it by noon today” emails. That shit takes its toll on both body and soul. Growing old gracefully is the kind of crap that only happens in the movies. The best you can do is ease into a memory of some lakeside picnic in a secluded spot, where everything was legs, deep kisses and heavy breathing and forgetting about the potato salad going bad in the sun; eyes that looked at you as though they were beholding a king or Elvis or the second coming of Christ, or maybe all three. Now, where was I….shit…it’s6:30…I should be on the tollway by now…..why does it take me so long to shave? Now, let’s see…..where should I start?
 
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LeadHead

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Hi. A nice piece this. I definitely felt the frustration of middle age, although I don't personally think so much about where to start shaving :). There were a couple of missing spaces and I would write: "where should I start" (remove one "I") for that sentence to read better but otherwise it all made sense and was easy to read.

Best of luck with it :)
 

Omicron

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Very nice imagery here! I loved the mention of legs- what a great, instantaneous way to convey the scene! Gorgeous!

In my opinion, I think if you left out the explicit "that will change everything else in my life that sucks," it could add to the gravity of the piece. If you just say "hey, this is the morning I start somewhere else," I think the reader will definitely still get the big idea, but in a way that seems more poignant. I find that short stories like yours allow people to see while not being told, but still get the same feeling from it.

Your piece is very emotional, and you write well, so I think that leaving some of the explicit messages out will make it more effectively felt by the audience.

Also, is there another way to say "deep kisses?" I feel like "deep" is a word a lot of people default to (ie "feel deeply," "deeply sorry," "deeply saddened," etc), so for some reason it seems tired to me. It also doesn't seem to do the romantic feeling of your writing justice.

I like your style! Keep writing! Do you write any romantic things?
 

Omicron

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You could even just leave the dialogue about starting somewhere else out entirely, come to think of it, and I think your piece would still convey that sentiment nicely.
 

odubhthaigh2207

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I've been in that same situation. Covered in lather and HATING the next 10-12 hours of work. Friggin' loved this. Good job, dude.
 

oscar54

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I like this and have some similar memories. But memories are what they are until switched to an electric razor.
 

Spell-it-out

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I really like this! Witty, introspective and familiar. I found myself nodding along and smiling...so that's a compliment in itself.

Nicely done.
 

jenische

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I like how you take a mundane act and make it reflective. I also agree with Omicron about the leg bit. It's a nice touch.