Screenwriter Jokes !

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Raghu

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Guys,

Once in a while this part of our forums tends to get, what shall I say…..not boring but a little inactive.….er….um….listless maybe?

Anyway I decided to entertain you people and what better way to do it that by whipping up a few jokes? I’ve been collecting screenwriter jokes for quite some time now and here is the cream of the crop from my collection, culled from numerous sites on the net, including our very own AW Forums.

Enjoy yourselves and I hope the mods will not move this thread to some desolate, uninhabited part of the internet !


Two development execs meet in the hallway. One says, "Hey, what's cooking?" The second one, extremely excited, replies, "I just bought this script. It's the most perfect piece of writing I've ever seen. Characters, story, EVERYTHING about it is A-number-one. Academy award time."

"That's fantastic," says the first one, dripping with envy. "So when do you go into production?"

"As soon as I get the rewrite."


Three guys are sitting at a bar.

#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
#2: "What do you do for a living?"
#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
#1: "What do you do?"
#2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "Gee... hmmm... I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?"


A screenwriter dies, and is allowed to choose between an eternity in Heaven or Hell, after St. Peter shows him both. In Hell, he sees rows of writers chained to desks in a room hotter than a thousand suns. As they work, their fingers are singed by fire, and demons whip them with chains. Next, he sees Heaven: rows of writers chained to desks in a room hotter than a thousand suns. As they work, their fingers are singed by fire, and demons whip them with chains. Plus, it smells like an outhouse. The screenwriter's curious, "What gives, Pete? These are worse conditions than Hell!" St. Peter replies, "Yeah, but the work gets produced, and there's no rewriting."


How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


Q; Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps, while California got all the agents?

A; New Jersey had first pick.


THE RULES OF SCREENWRITING:

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread or bunch of celery that sticks out the top of a full bag.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without
difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you weren't carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The EiffelTower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with creatures from anywhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning, even though their husbands and children never have time to eat.

Cars which crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of the Astrodome.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you're visiting.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any alien civilization.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage, and nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment, and it's never necessary to listen to the complete bulletin.

It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. They'll dance around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.


Did you hear about the screenwriter who jumped out the window on the 15th floor? He could have gone to the 16th, but that's another story.


A couple of screenwriters are enjoying a junket on ICM's cabin cruiser, when their agent falls overboard. Before anything can be done, an enormous shark approaches to within six feet of the agent, but suddenly veers off in another direction. The young writer exclaims, "Did you see what just happened? That's an act of God!" The older writer replies, "Nah, it was just professional courtesy."


An agent goes ice fishing with his new screenwriter client. While they're sitting around a hole in the ice, a hungry polar bear starts charging them from a half-mile away. The agent immediately pulls off his ice boots and starts putting on a pair of tennis sneakers. The writer screams, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar bear, his top speed is 40 miles an hour!" The agent calmly replies, "I don't have to outrun him - I just have to outrun you!"



Just before Christmas, an honest agent, a kind studio exec and Santa Claus were riding up in the elevator of the Beverly Hills Hotel. When the doors opened, they all noticed a twenty dollar bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa, of course - the other two don't exist!


How many agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: Sorry, we're not screwing in any new light bulbs anymore. But have you considered turning your light bulb into maybe... a candle?

A2: Oh yes, I screwed in your light bulb, but I haven't had a chance to turn it on yet. I'll get to it as soon as possible. It's just that we're already sitting under too much light.

A3: Loved your light bulb. Great light. Lots of illumination. Unfortunately, the agency's decided to remain in the dark indefinitely.


How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.


How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.


How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.


How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does it *have* to be changed?


How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!


A minister, a doctor, and a literary agent are all playing golf. As they approach the third tee, they notice that the foursome in front of them is playing very slowly. These guys are helping each other line up their putts, they all stand around while each other hits, and they're generally taking far too long to play golf.

By the time the minister, doctor, and agent make the turn, they've had enough, and complain to the ranger about the slow play. Patiently, the ranger reveals that the foursome is a team of blind firemen who lost their vision while entering a burning house to save an entire family, and their eyes were singed. "We let them play for free," he explains, and asks the group to be understanding.

The minister feels terrible, and insists, "I'll offer a prayer for each of them and their families."

The doctor says, "I'm going to give them free medical treatment for their bravery."

The agent screams, "CAN'T THEY PLAY AT NIGHT?"


A Hollywood agent, a Brooklyn lawyer and a used car salesman from Peoria are gathered around a coffin containing the body of an old screenwriter friend. One of the three says, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have it to spend on the other side." They all agree that this is appropriate, so the car salesman drops a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the lawyer does the same. The agent takes out the bills, and writes a check for $300.


After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young agent and his wife decide that counselling is the only way to save their relationship. They had been at each other's throats for quite some time, and felt this was their last chance.

When they arrive at the therapist's office, the doctor jumps right in, and opens the floor for discussion: "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the wife begins talking ninety miles an hour, describing all the problems in their marriage. In contrast, her husband puts his head in his hands, and remains silent.

After fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist walks over to her, picks her up by the shoulders, kisses her passionately, and sits her back down. The wife is speechless.

The marriage counsellor looks over at the agent, who stares in disbelief. The doctor says to him,” Your wife NEEDS that, at least twice a week!"

The agent scratches his head and replies,
"Okey-doke. I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


The crusty old literary agent finally passed away, but his agency kept getting calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.

The reply: "I was one of his screenwriters, and I just like to hear you say it."


What's the difference between a vampire bat and a William Morris agent?

One is a fearless, evil, bloodsucking monster, and the other is a small, harmless, mouse-like creature with wings.


What's the difference between a pit bull and a CAA agent?

Jewellery.


A hotshot literary agent went hunting in the mountains with his insurance salesman and stockbroker, but their car broke down on the return trip. While hiking back to civilization, they came across a very small farm house, and asked to use the phone. The local towing company couldn't do anything until the next day, but the farmer graciously offered them overnight accommodations, explaining that there was only enough room for two extra guests in the house. Unfortunately, one of them would have to sleep in the barn, which had not been cleaned in years. The stockbroker said, "No problem, I was raised on a farm, and I'm used to those kinds of things."

Everyone went to bed, but fifteen minutes later, there was a knock at the door. The stockbroker was on the step, complaining, "Nothing on our farm ever smelled like that." So the insurance salesman said, "When I was a kid, I worked at a slaughterhouse. You can't believe the horrible stuff that was produced there." He went out to the barn, and everybody went back to sleep.

Fifteen minutes later, there was another knock at the door. The insurance salesman stood outside, and said, "Nothing in the slaughterhouse was as bad as that barn." The agent shook his head and said, "You bunch of wimps, I'll sleep out there."

Fifteen minutes later, there's a third knock at the door. It's the barn animals.


An agent and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even this small percentage was probably more pain than the agent had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the agent felt OK, and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The agent was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the guy's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The agent continued to feel quite comfortable. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping his wife considerably, the agent encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”



Q. What's the difference between publishers and terrorists?
A. You can negotiate with terrorists.


A male romance novelist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The writer took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The writer guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The writer got excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The writer selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.

The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The novelist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a romance novelist, aren't you?" The writer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"

The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."


An L.A. agent is driving his Mercedes down a deserted Mojave highway, and notices a sign which reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination, and drives on. But soon, he sees another: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there's a third: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.

The agent's curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. Beside the parking lot sits a sombre stone building with a sign on the door: SISTERS OF MERCY.

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he's very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and just before she leaves, she tells him,
"Please knock on this door."

The agent does as he's told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun says, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

After placing his money in the nun's tin cup, he trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU'VE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.


When gaffers get together on the weekend, the conversation turns to football.

When screenwriters gather, they discuss tennis.

Directors talk about golf.

Conclusion: the bigger your credits, the smaller your balls.


That’s it folks !

Raghu.
 

Joe Calabrese

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"How many producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?"


"A film is like a family. The screenplay is the newborn baby. The crew and talent are the older siblings who sometimes regret having the newborn getting all the attention, but are somewhat happy to have it around. The director is the mother who guides and nurtures all the children to fit her and the father's hopes, dreams and expectations. The producer is the father who bring home the bacon, manages the money and is the disciplinarian.

What part of the movie family does the screenwriter play?

The sperm donor. Absolutely needed, but never invited to Thanksgiving dinner."
 

Maryn

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Got several laughs here--thanks!

Maryn, who'd only heard a few before
 

Raghu

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Joe,

What part of the movie family does the screenwriter play?
The sperm donor. Absolutely needed, but never invited to Thanksgiving dinner."

Ironic isn't it. We do all the hard work and some guy who acts for ten days gets all the credit and tens of millions to boot !

Maryn, Crimsonlaw,

Got several laughs here--thanks!
Maryn, who'd only heard a few before

Excellent jokes! Loved them! Great way to start a Wednesday!

You're welcome guys....anytime.

Billingsgate,

I love these jokes!
Continuing on this theme, here's a link to some cartoons done by yours truly many eons ago. They're about a guy writing a Hong Kong novel, but substitute "screenplay" for novel and "producer" for publisher, and the same applies:
http://www.lilywong.net/archive/arc980720.htm


I've been drawing and painting all my life and I found your cartoons excellent. Great job

Raghu.
 
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