Saigon

editing_for_authors
Editing for authors: because every writer needs a good editor.

skelly

Kickin it old school, posers beware
Poetry Book Collaborator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 4, 2007
Messages
2,630
Reaction score
981
beneath an
earthshine
moon

away from the
neon
ho chi minh

at an angle
perpendicular
to the present

the city reeks
of prop wash
and scarred souls

and the temple
buddha
bleeds
 

Kylabelle

unaccounted for
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 3, 2013
Messages
26,200
Reaction score
4,015
I like this. Forgive me, it's not the kind of thing I like to say "like" about but it's late in my brain tonight.

Could you consider losing the "and" beginning last stanza?
 

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
agree with kyla on the "and," but I like, particularly "at an angle perpendicular to the present."
 

zarada

not afraid to leap
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 24, 2013
Messages
1,018
Reaction score
70
Location
where she belongs
i think you could reduce the line breaks for better flow, especially between 1 and 2, and maybe 3 & 4. nice work otherwise.

ETA: Whoops, this ain't 'critique' the poetry, is it. sorry.
 
Last edited:

CassandraW

Banned
Flounced
Kind Benefactor
Joined
Feb 18, 2012
Messages
24,012
Reaction score
6,476
Location
.
Our forum mods have said that it's fine to offer suggestions in this part of the forum.

I post here because I think more people read stuff in here (because no password is required). Comments and suggestions are welcome, if people are inclined.

If you really want no comments, there is always chapbook.
 

skelly

Kickin it old school, posers beware
Poetry Book Collaborator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 4, 2007
Messages
2,630
Reaction score
981
I don't mind the critiques at all...here or anywhere. Thank you all for reading and commenting. I am particularly interested in the comments about the last "and." In my ear, without it, the poem sounds stilted. Zarada, I will experiment with those line breaks and see what it looks like. Thank you for the suggestion.
 

Kylabelle

unaccounted for
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 3, 2013
Messages
26,200
Reaction score
4,015
I get what you're saying about that "and". And, it's a minor point (to me) either way.