Good point. I'll see what I can come up with.This does flow better and I'm getting a better idea of what's going on than the previous version. It's a little bit confusing because sentence two made it seem like Alexa is inside the diner, but the other sentences it seems like she's outside. Commenting that the diner's been busier than expected reads like she's inside the diner. "Busier than expected" is like how a staff member or customer might describe it. Maybe if you want to focus on an external perspective you might want to consider something like "more people going in and out than expected"?
Honestly, I missed that. The story starts in late summer but I don't need to say that. I could use one or the other. A cold summer rain would work as well.Also (a nitpick), cold late summer rain is a lot of adjectives for an opening clause. Is it important to know the season right now? We don't know what geographical location it is yet, so late summer doesn't mean anything much in terms of how cold the rain is. So maybe a different word to describe the temperature of the rain and you could indicate that it's late summer a bit later on?
That happens in the next few linesI'm interested in Alexa - some hint of why she's hiding or what's at stake might help to draw me in more.
Thanks for the feed back!